


Song of my Soul

by WackyGoofball



Category: Being Human (US/Canada)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Music, Band Fic, Band!fic, Bishop screws things up, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Guys are a bit younger in this fic, I don't write songs, Inspired by Music, Likely OOC-ishness, M/M, Male Slash, Music, Song Lyrics, Teenage Love Vibe, Too many tags ..., fluff mixed with a bit of dirty talk in-between
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-20
Updated: 2015-09-20
Packaged: 2018-04-22 13:21:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 46,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4836839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WackyGoofball/pseuds/WackyGoofball
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Aidan is lead singer of a band and Josh is his greatest fan. </p>
<p>Both fall in love. </p>
<p>Trouble ensues when Aidan gets drawn into not only showbusiness but also... vampirebusiness after a man named Bishop becomes his manager. </p>
<p>Will the two manage to stay together? Read to find out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Fan

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, everyone! Welcome to my world of madness!
> 
> Alright, so here I am to dedicate another story to one of my personal OTPs. After it didn't get attention anywhere else, I thought that maybe it'd find some folks enjoy it here, which is why it's not on AO3, too.
> 
> I just love those two. Together. That's why I write this stuff even though there are seemingly not as many sharing my preferences ;) 
> 
> Anyways, this is sort of inspired by the fact that Sam Witwer is a singer in real life, too (if I am informed correctly), so I kinda liked the idea of carrying that back over to Aidan – and to Josh in a way, too.
> 
> I am by no means a songwriter – and I usually don't do poetry, so please be gentle with me. In case you don't like that part especially… skip it and think of unicorns or so, and just imagine there were actually some good song or poem written in that spot.
> 
> Lyrics or verse will be in italics (unless I forget to do it or my computer bugs me again).
> 
> Aidan is a bit younger in this one, because I liked the idea of teenage-love-vibe between the two. I had to make some more changes to his storyline (but I won't spoiler right away which ones) – artistic license if anyone asks. This is not supposed to be in canon. AU-warning was hence given. 
> 
> I'm still no native speaker, which sucks, nevertheless I give my best to make it sound well. This story is un-beta'd, hence all mistakes are mine… though I will always blame my English teachers if anyone asks.
> 
> I hope you'll like it anyway.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own anything, the least my mind. I am slave to fiction and fanfiction in particular.

Aidan loves his job. Actually, it doesn't even feel like a job to him. Not only because they earn almost no money at all, but really because it's something he loves to do. Because they earn little with the band, which requires them to oftentimes take on other jobs to finance their passion. Yet, he wouldn't change a single thing about it. Making music is so many things: It's a way of living, a way of breathing, speaking, making love, even, expressing all those feelings one cannot give voice to.

Of course it'd be great if they had a bigger fanbase, though. Not just because of the finances (his credit is always crap), but also because he wants to spread their music – further than the small pubs they play in.

Nevertheless, Aidan loves it.

_Inside my head, inside my heart, all I see and all I hear, it's you. It's always you._

A few people clap their hands, while others are still too busy nursing their beers or chatting… or hooking up.

"Thank you, we'll take a fifteen minute break," he whispers into the microphone before he puts down his guitar.

"The audience doesn't seem to warm up much," the drummer, Jake, grumbles.

"It can't be coz of our performance, though," Henry, the bassist argues. That guy overflows with self-esteem that Aidan just always wants to roll his eyes at him. He is younger than Aidan – and he tries his best to "teach" him somehow, but Henry is a bullhead most of the time. Always.

"Of course it can be, you moron," Gabriel, the man for the percussions, huffs. "If the audience is not interested, then you're doing something wrong."

"Guys, forget about it. We wanna enjoy ourselves tonight," Aidan grunts, running a hand over his face. This annoys him. He wants to make music, not bicker and pout over reception. "I'll get myself something to drink. You fight it out, I don't care."

" _He's_ here again," Henry chuckles softly.

"Who is?" Aidan frowns.

"The one fan we seem to have," Henry shrugs.

"You'll have to be a bit more specific," Aidan grunts.

"The guy over there, who is busy cleaning the table with… baby wipes… _wow_ , we really are a bunch of losers if that is our only fan," Henry shakes his head. Aidan tilts his head at the man sitting at one of the tables to the side, close to the stage, but still secluded enough not to draw attention to himself. He is really wiping the table clean. Odd.

"And that is our only fan how?" Aidan questions.

"He's been here like… since ever. I don't know. He always turns up for our gigs. You never noticed? Dude should ask for autographs, then we could make at least a few bucks from these. That promotion was surely a mistake, Gabriel, wasn't it?" Henry snickers mischievously.

"God, I was just trying out some marketing!" the other man cries.

"Did you talk to him?" Aidan asks.

"No? Why should I?" Henry frowns.

"You said it, he's our only fan," Aidan replies.

"And a loser, from the looks of it," Henry huffs.

"And that is also why we don't have fans. You are a dick," Aidan retorts.

" _Au contraire_ , I just _got_ a massive dick, that's a difference," Henry says, sticking out his tongue.

"Whatever," Aidan rolls his eyes. That guy never stops gloating over his conquests. There was a time when Aidan was like him… thinking about it, he probably rubbed it off on Henry back then, but… doesn't matter. Aidan is different now. And it pisses him off that in all these years, Henry didn't change at all.

"Are you going to talk to him?" Henry grimaces as he sees Aidan eyeing that awkward man curiously. He knows that look.

"Yeah?" the raven shrugs.

"C'mon. That's gotta be a joke," Henry exclaims, tossing his hands back.

"Watch me," the other man sneers before he leaves the stage, swiftly hopping off of it. He earns a few flirty glances from the women within his close periphery, but doesn't really mind. They should better listen to his music than marvel over that kind of stuff. It's pointless, really. He makes his way over to the table, where the guy is now busying himself with scribbling something in a journal with worn leather cover.

"Hey there," Aidan greets him, putting on a nice smile. The man looks up, his eyes widening unnaturally wild. He drops his pen, fidgeting around, "Oh, ugh, hi, I mean… hey."

"Am I right that you are one of the few people who actually listen to us?" Aidan goes on, sporting a casual grin. He never had trouble starting conversation with people he doesn't know. However, that seemingly doesn't apply to the brunet in front of him, who looks like he is just about falling off the bench.

"What? Yes! I mean, I really like your music, all of it, and… sorry, I'm just nervous," the brunet stammers helplessly, blushing furiously. Aidan chuckles softly. He looks cute when he does that, like a teenager, though he is definitely no teenager anymore from the looks of it.

"Don't be. Once the spotlights go off, we are just a bunch of losers trying to pay the loan, more or less successfully. Though I guess I owe a thanks to you for staying around us?" Aidan goes on smoothly.

"Please, I owe you thanks for… making that music," the other man insists, suddenly very serious.

"You really are a fan, huh?" Aidan can't help but beam. He never thought there would be someone out there admiring their music. Most of the time, people don't get it and think it sounds too odd, and not at all like in the charts.

Some things just never change: People always want things the way they know them.

New things are just… scary – because they force you a bit too far out of your own comfort zone.

"May I?" he asks, nodding at the free seat next to the brunet, who stammers, blushing even more, "Oh, ugh, sure, of course."

"Thanks," Aidan grins, sliding down on the bench next to him. Their arms almost touch, but just almost. Aidan always misses this warmth radiating from other people's skins. The days he had that seem so far away at times.

"See that? Aidan's found himself some prey again," Henry chuckles as he watches Aidan doing his routine with the brunet odd chap.

"That guy? You sure? I thought he was a lady's man," Gabriel scrunches his nose.

"He doesn't mind. And that guy might be just his type," Henry shrugs.

"What? He likes losers?" the other man snorts.

"No, but the insecure ones," Henry grins, picking up his towel to wipe over his eyes. "I need a drink."

"Now I really forgot my manners," Aidan grins at him. "We didn't properly introduce ourselves. I'm Aidan."

"I know," the other man tells him with a slight roll of the eyes.

"And you are?" Aidan asks politely.

"Josh," the other man says.

"Josh, nice to meet you," the raven grins.

"Nice to meet you, too," Josh brings out, though he is still speaking a few octaves too high at times.

"So… what do you do for a living, Josh?" Aidan asks casually.

"Uhm, you don't have to do that, you know?" the man suddenly says, playing around with the bottle of beer in his hand, creating circular patterns of dew on the greasy tabletop, not meeting the raven's eyes. Aidan frowns at him, "Do what?"

"I heard the bassist, Henry, say that I am your one fan. You don't have to talk to me only coz I am. I will still come, you see. So you don't have to actually do the whole care-for-the-fans-stuff," Josh replies with a sad smile he tries to hide.

Others would totally fangirl right now – and he normally would, does… but now he just feels like he's getting pity from one of his idols. And to his surprise, he finds that even worse than this damned sticky tabletop.

"I would like to say two things about that: First of all, you go the ears of a bat, as it seems, and secondly, I wanted to talk to you because I wanted to talk to you. Right now, I'm a guy at a bar just like any other," Aidan tells him resolutely. Josh looks at him in surprise. He never expected Aidan to… seemingly have… honest interest.

He doesn't believe anyone to be interested in him anyways, who is he kidding?

"So… what do you do for a living, Josh?" Aidan asks again.

"I work at a takeaway-restaurant with… little hygienic standard whatsoever, but I need the money, so…," Josh admits meekly.

"So that means you'd rather do something else?" Aidan tilts his head. For some reason, he likes the sound of Josh's voice. Now that he calmed down a little, it's this hushed, whispering voice, a little rough at the edge. Yes, he loves music – and that man's voice is harmony and melody to his ears all at once.

"I did, but that's over now… there's just some personal stuff going on, and the finances… and the rest of the world, you know how it goes – not according to plan," Josh chuckles nervously.

"Yeah, tell me about it," Aidan sighs. He knows that feeling. When everything is seemingly against you and you just keep having bad luck. You beg for a break, but you don't get one. You have to pick yourself up and work through the pain.

Because life _never_ goes according to plan.

"Why did you clean the table, by the way?" Aidan asks curiously. "I was just wondering?"

"Uhm… do you know what OCD is?" Josh asks.

"Kinda," Aidan shrugs. "Doesn't it mean that you do mad cleaning and stuff?"

"Some clean, some count things, some have other nervous ticks. It's a way to… well, deal with stress," Josh explains.

Why is he saying this to his idol again?

God, is he stupid.

And God, is he a loser.

"You are stressed right now?" Aidan teases, giving him a flirty look.

"Oh, no, not at all. Talking to the lead singer of my favorite band is not at all something that makes me freak out, no," Josh jokes, earning an honest laugh from Aidan.

God, does he love that smile.

God, stupid.

God, loser.

"But I was actually trying to get off something sticky. I guess the staff is not into cleaning much. I wanted to raise my hand, but my sweater got stuck, I swear," Josh adds.

"Yeah, I see what you mean," Aidan makes a face as he tries to pull his arm up, only to find the sticky tabletop trying to suck him back in. "Ew. I thought the place was better when they called, but well… anyways, with the OCD – it must be hard to work in that restaurant, then, huh? I bet that doesn't really help."

"Not really. Though I consider it exposure therapy if anyone asks," Josh grins.

"That works," Aidan agrees.

"So how long do you listen to our stuff?" Aidan asks after Josh and he fell silent for a while.

"About a year. I saw you perform first in the _Blue Square_. When you sang that bridge in _Safe Haven_ , I was simply… hooked," Josh muses.

To tell the truth, this band is his favorite band because it saved his life.

Literally.

No shit.

This really happened.

He had gotten beaten up by a gang of thugs, one with red hair who just got mad at him for some fucked-up reason and started punching him and calling him a dog. As if that guy knew what that means to Josh in reality. Once he came back around, he stumbled through the streets a while, until he could walk a straight line again… and considered, really considered, to take a cab to his apartment and hang himself with the worn brown leather belt and… and anyways, that is when suddenly he heard music in his ears. His arm dropped and he followed that noise, until he stood in that club, the _Blue Square_ , and saw Aidan's band, _The Fangs_ , performing onstage.

And suddenly all bad thoughts had left Josh and he just drowned in the sound of Aidan's voice, bathed in the words.

 _You won't ever be alone. Because I am your home. In the storm, I am the stone. You can hold on to me, I won't let you go. You are safe with me, forever so_.

Josh made a decision that night – that he wanted to keep hearing that voice, that voice he can't describe with words. Rough but soft. Loud but silent. Holding the single tones, but then he lets them go, sets them free like birds. Breathes music in and music out. Aidan's voice, to Josh, is everything at once and nothing at all, a million paradoxes hidden behind those dark eyes that make him blush like a stupid teenager ever since.

And once again – God, is he a loser.

"Wait, _Blue Square_ … ugh, the last thing I remember about that gig was that someone threw up on my sneakers," Aidan grunts.

"Oh yeah, I saw that," Josh grimaces.

"Now don't laugh. I liked the sneakers!" Aidan pouts playfully.

"Nevertheless, you finished the song," Josh argues.

"True that," Aidan grins.

"That speaks for you," the brunet grins.

"Thank you! Finally someone says that! The guys kept making fun of me that I kept going," Aidan exclaims.

He looks around, grimacing as he sees the others getting back onstage. The minutes just flew by, geez.

"Okay, I think I have to head back to the stage," Aidan makes a face, making his apparent disappointment no secret.

"Yeah," Josh agrees.

"Will you stay for the rest of the performance?" Aidan asks.

"Of course. I paid for it, too, right?" Josh huffs.

"We'll give our best to make it worth it," the raven winks at him.

"Even your not-best will be worth it, trust me. That stint never had better music than tonight," Josh assures him.

"Thanks, but make sure you stay, okay? I wanna finish up that chat with you properly," Aidan smiles as he turns to the stage. The other man stares at him.

Is this seriously happening?

"… Okay," he stammers as Aidan waves at him.

"Awesome," the raven grins. "See you later, Josh!"

With that he makes his way back over to the stage, feeling fueled.

Josh leans back in his seat, breathing hard.

Is this really happening?

How do you go from loser to lottery winner in less than fifteen minutes?

"You are serious about that guy?" Henry asks as Aidan settles back down onstage.

"Shut up, Henry," Aidan hums, not looking at him as he fixes his guitar.

"What?" the other man huffs.

"He can hear you," Aidan mutters.

"As if I cared," Henry snorts.

"I care, now stop, get your shit going and let's do our thing," Aidan looks at him, hard.

"Fine, whatever," Henry rolls his eyes. Soon, they are ready to go.

"Alright, ladies and gentlemen, we are back. Thanks for sticking around. Now we'd like to perform _Safe Haven_. We hope you'll like it," Aidan breathes into the microphone. Josh sits there, staring.

Is he really… singing… _that_ song now?

And then the first tune hits him like a wave.

Yes, yes he does indeed.

The brunet leans back, allowing himself to get drowned in the music once more.

_You smile with your eyes. You speak with your heart. And I don't find the words at all._

* * *

"So, here I am. Thanks for waiting up," Aidan greets Josh as he comes to him. Packing up took longer because Jake kept messing around, the little bastard. He always tries to mess up his tour if Henry doesn't anyways.

"Thanks for… not just taking off either," Josh grins at him uncertainly.

"So? Do you still have any plans for the night?" Aidan asks.

"I'll just do my night tour and then I am off for home, I guess," Josh shrugs.

"What tour?" Aidan tilts his head.

"Huh? Oh, that's just… just some ritual I have. I don't know, it's stupid," Josh replies quickly. Why is his tongue always faster than his mind?

"C'mon, now don't lure me out like that and chicken out last second. You got me at 'night tour'!" Aidan pouts playfully.

"What about the others?" Josh nods at the rest of the band.

"I don't have to escort them. They are almost grown up by now, at least some of them. So I'd be glad if you took me on one of those tours," Aidan smiles at him.

"Okay, if you say so," Josh shrugs.

"Then… lead the way," Aidan says. Josh gets up and walks outside.

Into the night.

* * *

Aidan is honestly surprised that they head to the outskirt of the city. To tell the truth, he hoped Josh would take him to his favorite pub or club or so… or his apartment, to be honest. Now he finds himself strolling with that cute brunet whose voice is music and he doesn't know what the hell that guy is up to.

Though Aidan has to admit, a part of him finds that pretty exciting.

They eventually reach a set of vacant buildings where most windows are broken and graffiti is sloppily and less than artistically spread over the walls.

"Why are we going to these vacant buildings?" Aidan scrunches his nose. All that walking for that view? Really?

"That's one of the stops on my tour," Josh shrugs.

"You are a weird bird," Aidan shakes his head.

_And all I want to do is fly away._

Josh walks a little further, suddenly grasping Aidan by the hem of his coat sleeve to pull him along. The raven grins at what Josh surely considers a very bold move, judging by that familiar glow on his cheeks. The brunet stops at one point, now a little closer to the building, but still the same building which is nothing but ugly in Aidan's eyes.

"So, here we are…," Josh grins.

"And I see… nothing," Aidan snorts.

"Coz it's not time yet. We are a bit early," Josh explains.

"Oh?" the raven tilts his head.

"Just thirty more seconds," Josh tells him.

"There better be some fireworks or something," Aidan huffs.

"Well, I won't promise these," Josh rolls his eyes.

"Then what?" Aidan asks curiously.

"Just look," Josh points at the building again as suddenly the sole streetlight illuminating this place turns off.

"And now we stand in darkness. If some thug comes to rob us now, I'll blame it on you," Aidan blurts out.

"There's something wrong with this particular streetlight. It goes off at the same time each day, but no one bothers to fix it," Josh smiles.

Why is that guy smiling again?

"Where are the fireworks now?" Aidan asks, growing impatient. However, that is when Josh flashes what seems to be black light at the wall of the building in front of them – and that is when Aidan sees it, too. Dozens and dozens of lines of poetry, lyrics, everything, scribbled over the hideous graffiti. In fact, you only see the poetry, glowing in the dark.

"Wow!" Aidan gapes.

"There's a lot of people who come here to leave… a mark," Josh begins to explain.

A million voices.

A million thoughts.

A treasure only those can find who go looking for it.

"I live here for all my life, but still I never caught that," Aidan shakes his head. And that surely means something. He's been here for long.

"Well, I found it only just by accident," Josh shrugs.

"You accidentally had that flash on you?" Aidan snorts, not quite buying it.

"No, I wanted to do the same thing those guys did – but only then realized that I wasn't first to have the idea," Josh explains.

"So you are a poet, too?" Aidan asks curiously.

"Nah, I just wanted to write down some wisecrack comment I read on the internet, not at all original," Josh lies swiftly enough for Aidan not to catch it.

"You didn't?" the raven frowns.

"No. Once I realized people did that for a purpose, I felt bad, so I just said to myself, I'll come by to see who else climbs the walls," Josh shrugs.

"You are a curious case, Josh," Aidan can't help but say.

"I am nuts, I know that," Josh chuckles, scrunching his nose.

"What's the next spot?" Aidan asks, now honestly excited.

"Hm? Well, usually, I'd stroll along the river a while. I like the noises… if you pass at just the right momentum, it sounds like you can hear some girl singing 'You are the death of me'… but… I gotta walk back home still, and that's the opposite direction," Josh grimaces.

"I live very close to the river," Aidan says with a dark grin.

"Oh?" Josh blinks at him. Aidan bites his lower lip, gaining confidence, "So… show me the river and I show you my apartment."

"I don't know," Josh grimaces.

"Well, you know, I… okay, maybe that was a bit rash… but… you know… Now I act like a stupid teenager, sorry. But what I mean to say is that… I would like to…," Aidan bites his lower lip, but Josh holds up his hands with a small grin, "I got the implication."

"So? Interested?" Aidan asks hopefully.

" _Interested_? You are kidding me, right? I am your fan, you idiot. Of course I am," Josh rolls his eyes.

"Well, then this is decided, right?" Aidan concludes with a smile. Jackpot!

"I am no good… catch, you know?" Josh breathes.

Actually, juts some wave drifting away.

Just a loser.

Trust me, I know.

Aidan kisses him, then. For a moment, Josh forgets how to breathe or how to move, but then leans into that touch.

He almost forgot how that felt like.

 _Forget the world. Just for a night. Just for a day. That's all I have to say: Stay_.

"For that you are too damn good at this," Aidan breathes as he breaks off the kiss. He honestly feared that Josh wouldn't… take part in it, but he did – and honestly? Aidan can't remember the last time he felt so enchanted by someone as he does now.

"We could also… skip the river," Josh breathes.

"Sounds about just right," Aidan chuckles softly.

"Okay," Josh smiles shyly.

"Okay."

Aidan takes his hand this time and leads him away from the poetry and back home.

* * *

Soon, they find themselves madly kissing as they make their way down the hallway leading to Aidan's apartment. The good thing is that no one in the house bothers about loud noises. They know that Aidan has a band – and that this is not uncommon. Or that he actually gives a damn.

Generally, people give a damn, but Aidan couldn't care less at this second, as he has that odd chap in his arms who's got him under his wing already.

Aidan fidgets for the keys, not wanting to let go of that man for only just a second.

"I'll give you a fair warning, my room looks like crap. So OCD alert is high," he grins as he turns the key in the lock.

"I guess I'll live with it for as long as you don't make me lie in something gooey," Josh grins.

For Aidan, he may even overcome that, though.

"No, no food or shit, just stuff," Aidan shrugs. Food is really no problem. He is just into producing clubber… and not into cleaning.

"That's fine with me," Josh breathes, leaning closer.

"Good, would be a pity to break off now that it's getting real good," Aidan chuckles as finally the door opens. Both stumble inside, kissing again. They close the door.

_Hold me. Don't let me go. Hold me. Because it's you I want to get to know. Inside out and outside in. It's your embrace I get lost within._


	2. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next morning. 
> 
> Josh is awkard, as always, but Aidan seemingly likes that about him. 
> 
> Josh finds reasons to stay. 
> 
> Their thing begins. 
> 
> Josh learns some truths about Aidan's very 'nature' and his own.

The next morning begins for Aidan with nervous shuffling. The raven contemplates for a moment if he even wants to bother to look, but then decides to do it after all – just to see Josh collecting his clothes in a hurry, his face screaming " _What the fuck was I thinking – and where are these damned jeans_?!"

The raven has to hold back the laughter meaning to escape his lips upon that sight.

"Josh?"

Thud.

Josh straightens up as fast as he can, still trying to make no noise - as if that could make him invisible somehow.

Yeah, that guy surely is a klutz.

And really weird, but that is nothing new anymore, is it?

The brunet looks at the guy still sprawled over the bed unceremoniously, looking so much like anything he'd ever dreamed about... Ugh. Josh tries hard not to slap himself across the cheek. He is acting like some stupid teenager. And he is definitely too old for that.

He never does that, for the record. Just going with someone he's barely known for a few hours. _Okay_ , one time after he was dead drunk and there was this guy who kept making compliments and had those brightly blue eyes and… doesn't matter. But usually, Josh knows better than this.

Oh God, and then this guy of all people. Aidan of all people in the entire world.

He'll never be able to listen to their small concerts again. He won't hear Aidan sing again. Oh no.

He needs that.

Really needs that.

What did he do?!

What for God's sake did he do?!

"Can I help you with something?" Aidan asks with a frown that comes off too playfully to Josh's liking. Because it makes him want to blush ever the more.

"… I… I gotta head to work. I am sorry, ugh… yeah, work and… life, you know, the usual things," the brunet explains hurriedly. Where are these socks?!

"I reckon you are kinda spooked?" Aidan grimaces.

"No, no, not at all, it's just…," Josh mutters.

"Coz that surely would be a pity," Aidan goes on, his voice almost humming, picking at the edge of the sheets.

"Why?" Josh asks with a frown.

"Because I surely liked it a lot," Aidan grins smugly. "So if you are freaked out... that's just not good for the ego."

"Oh?" Josh blinks at him.

Really? He liked it?

"You are weird," Aidan can't help but chuckle. That guy is even cuter and more teenager-like in bright daylight.

"Sorry?" Josh grimaces.

"Don't you think you can skip work? Just once?" Aidan bargains.

"What?" Josh looks at him. He honestly thought that Aidan would, if at all, show him the door and tell him to get the hell out.

"I asked you if you couldn't stay after all," Aidan exhales.

"I... I don't know," Josh stammers.

"Coz I'd like to spend more time with you," Aidan shrugs.

"Oh," Josh blinks at him.

"You oh a lot," Aidan makes a face.

"I guess," the brunet shrugs.

"Okay, talk to me: What's the problem?" Aidan sighs.

"No problem. This was… ugh… the night of my life, but, ugh…," Josh stammers, but then shrieks. "Stop laughing!"

Aidan rolls on the bed, giggling, "Sorry, that was about the greatest compliment someone's ever made about my performance. I mean, I know I'm good, but it's always nice to get a compliment for it."

"Shut up!" Josh pouts. He just wants to bury himself alive right now.

"Really, what's the matter?" Aidan asks, swallowing down the last laughter. This actually seems to be pretty serious to Josh.

"… I thought that maybe if I didn't wake you up, you'd just forget about me and all… so that I could still come to your gigs," Josh says, gesticulating wildly.

"… Why wouldn't you want to come to the gigs anymore?" Aidan furrows his eyebrows at him.

"I want to – but I can't anymore, at least now," Josh shrugs.

"Why? For God's sake?" Aidan demands.

"I can't just sit there after we've been…," Josh stammers, his voice trailing off, and Aidan completes casually, "Naked? Having fun under the sheets? Seriously?"

"Well, won't it bother you?" Josh argues.

"… No?" Aidan grimaces. Why would it?

"Oh," Josh puckers his lips again.

"… That's all I get for a reaction?" Aidan grimaces.

"Yeah?" Josh offers. His mind can only perform little output at this point, so he mostly sticks to one-word-sentences. At least he won't stammer like some helplessly stupid teenager, then... hopefully.

"It doesn't bother me. And if it bothers you that much… wear a hat next time you come to see us, sit in another corner, tell people a wrong name, or whatever. Because sure as hell I will be mad at you if you, as our only fan, don't come anymore. And I'll be even madder if you don't come back to bed – right now," Aidan warns him.

"Oh," Josh puckers his lips.

"Stop that!" Aidan hisses. "And anyways, do you really have to be at work at that hour?"

"Nope," Josh admits.

"Then drop these, now, and come back here. This is way too early to have such conversations. I am still tired as hell," Aidan demands, throwing himself back into the sheets to underline his point.

"Oh, okay," Josh tilts his head.

 _If you let me – I will stay. For as long as you keep me, I will not run away_.

He walks back over to the bed and sits down slowly, but Aidan already snakes his arm around his midsection to pull him close. Josh can feel him breathing into the nape of his neck lazily.

He never felt that comfortable or protected.

And if it's only just this day… Josh would rather get lost in it.

What else has he?

Exactly, nothing.

"And by that I mean also sleepy sex," Aidan mutters with closed eyes, though Josh can hear the smug grin on his lips.

"Oh," he says. "Okay."

* * *

So that's how it started… this… _thing_ between a musician and his fan. Aidan is glad that Josh kept true to his promise and shows up to the gigs, even if he can see the man squirming in his seat whenever he says that one of the love songs they have in store is dedicated to a _certain someone_.

Aidan didn't feel like attaching to people in a longer while, other than the band perhaps, but that is solely platonic, obviously. Perhaps it comes with the years that you try not to attach too much to anyone or anything – because it makes letting go ever the harder, but with Josh… he finds himself drawn to this man, for some reason he can't really explain.

Of course he feels physically attracted to him. Josh is his type, for a guy. And Aidan adores how goofy and childish he can be (or how he cleaned up his entire room within a day – to the day Aidan doesn't know how). He can't help but muse over the dozens of kinks Josh has. It's a bit of a treasure hunt, to discover a new one each day, because once Aidan does, he feels a little closer to that man he oftentimes fails to understand.

And what is perhaps the greatest thing about JOsh is that with him, Aidan feels no gaps, no boundaries. While that man seems utterly insecure at the surface (and a lot beneath the surface, too), Aidan had to realize, too, a strong devotion and will to fight beneath the nervousness. That guy works whatever job he has to to make a living. And he doesn't complain, really, not from the bottom of the heart. Of course he curses his boss, but he is not the whiny type.

And when Josh gets angry or takes charge of a situation – then really, Aidan feels like his knees grow weak and that this is fine, because he is sure that Josh will catch him.

He didn't feel like that… ever.

To feel like there is someone to catch him in case he stumbles, in case he falls.

It's just that there is this one gap between them that Josh persistently keeps open.

"So? Will you be there morrow night?" Aidan asks as he fine-tunes his guitar, sitting on the bed cross-legged. Josh stands a little away from him, reading and scribbling in that little notebook Aidan feels more than tempted to read in.

But of course he doesn't, not without permission.

That doesn't mean he doesn't want it, though.

"I… ugh, no, I gotta work. I'm royally sorry," Josh says in a hurry, putting on the puppy eyes.

"It's weekend," Aidan argues.

"Yeah, I know it sucks. And otherwise I would come, believe me, but… but when the boss calls, you answer," Josh shrugs.

"The _boss_ …," Aidan snorts, not buying it. He knows what's up. It's curious that Josh didn't get it yet. Any of this. Because isn't it plainly obvious?

"Yeah?" Josh grimaces uncertainly.

"And you are sure it has nothing to do with the full moon?" Aidan then says, not looking at him.

"Wh, what?" the brunet stammers.

"Full moon?" Aidan repeats. He knows he got him.

"I…," Josh breathes hard.

That can't be.

No.

He kept it hidden for so long.

He wanted to protect people.

And now it's out?

No, please, no.

"Okay, I guess I owe you an explanation," Aidan then says, much to Josh's surprise. He puts the guitar away to look at him.

"Which is?" Josh asks, his voice quivering.

"I suppose I was not the only one who lied about his past," Aidan breathes.

"Oh?" Josh frowns.

Aidan lied about his past, too?

What now?

"I told you to cut that out," Aidan grunts.

"Oh, I mean… sorry," Josh bites the inside of his cheek. Aidan contemplates for a moment. There seems to be no holding back anyways. If he wants to move it up a gear with Josh, if he wants to move closer, he has to say it. And Josh has to say it, too.

You have to build bridges to travel across.

Because these gaps… they just make Aidan sick.

"Since I take it that you won't spill, I will. I am 256 years old. Coz I am a vampire. And ever since I got to know you, I know that you are a werewolf coz of the smell that only we vampires can detect, which is why you want to stay away morrow night. Because you'll turn into a wolf," Aidan says matter-of-factly.

"You are a vampire?" Josh looks at him.

To make his point, Aidan flashes his fangs, his eyes turning black, "You may oh now."

That Josh starts to laugh uncontrollably is the kind of reaction Aidan expected least.

"Okay… I think I missed the punch line," the vampire tilts his head. He expected… other?

Josh holds his stomach, seemingly coming down from the laughter, "I. I am sorry."

"… What's so funny now? I would love to laugh, too," Aidan makes a face. And that is when he sees the tears now standing in the other man's eyes, "I always thought I was the only one living with such a curse. I was… fundamentally proven wrong."

 _I'm not alone. And that makes me wanna cry. Because you, too, not just I, drowned in that misery, drowned in years-old memory_.

He didn't realize that the guy he is with is a vampire. While Aidan knew all along.

He is really, really, really one ridiculous idiot.

But above all that, he feels this one feeling: a strange kind of relief. Because he isn't the only one. There are others, like him, well not quite like him, but who hide a very dark side. Be it fangs or fur. They hide from the world what only the night can see.

"… you are aware that there is at least your alpha, right?" the vampire frowns.

"My who?" Josh grimaces.

"Your alpha, the wolf that turned you, the guy or girl that is like you, your monster-mommy-or-daddy," Aidan gesticulates.

"… I guess I was adopted," Josh puckers his lips.

"What?" Aidan makes a face, so the werewolf explains, "I've never seen or heard of that. Look, I was camping, with a friend. We were having a good time. We heard some noise, got into the woods – and next thing I know is that I get bitten and I black out from the pain. The next time I come around, patrol is flashing his flashlight in my face, my dead's lying mauled next to me, me wounded by the shoulder, and that wolf or alpha or whatever was just gone… until I turned around the next moon – because trust me, if you least expect it, it's even worse."

"Your alpha never showed up?" Aidan asks.

"No, should he have?" Josh furrows his eyebrows.

"Okay, now we are really alike," Aidan can't help but say.

_Two souls living through the same ordeal. Two souls – can they heal? If bound together? Or will they fly away just like a feather?_

"Yours didn't show either?" Josh frowns.

"Nope. But I knew that there was such a person. And the way I figured, I said to myself that I was better off without an alpha if he or she doesn't even bother to look after me - after screwing up my life," Aidan shrugs.

"Same here," Josh can't help but agree. "... 256, really?"

Josh can't help but ask again, his voice soft, though. That is just so... unbelievable.

"Yeah, girls would eat their hearts out over my beauty secret," Aidan chuckles softly.

"That's many lives you already lived," Josh mutters mindfully. So many years he saw the good and the bad in the world - and still, Aidan is someone who enjoys life and lives it. And Josh, only stuck with this for the blink of an eye in comparison to Aidan's path, already felt like giving up so many times.

Such a long life.

Such a strong life.

Aidan looks at the other man, confused. He thought Josh would be… more upset, to be honest.

"I suppose," the vampire grimaces.

"I can't even imagine what that must be like," Josh breathes.

"Well, it has its down-and upsides. I don't need food to survive. That's a plus. I got blood cravings. That sucks," Aidan shrugs, feeling the hairs in the back of his neck rising and falling.

Is that what it's like to feel the empathy from someone else?

"So many lives…," Josh mutters.

"So? Are you frightened by the monster?" Aidan asks.

"Are you?" the other man returns.

"Should I be?" the vampire questions.

"I am oftentimes afraid that I will just end up hurting my loved one's coz of it. That's why I left my family," Josh admits.

"Well, I know what I am up to with you. I knew it from the start," Aidan shrugs.

 _A million lives I lived alone. A million times I was just gone. Disappeared from their eyes. Until you found me. And brought me back to light_.

"I never knew what I'd be up to with you. I knew that from the start also," Josh replies.

"So we complement each other, I guess," Aidan can't help but smile.

 _I am in pieces, but you make me whole. You put back together my bleeding soul_.

Josh just rushes up to him to kiss him passionately. Aidan leans into his warm touch, into that warm embrace, that feeling of empathy he had long since forgotten.

"Wow," he breathes, still surprised at the sudden reaction. Usually, Josh doesn't make the advances, at least not the first – because he is surely not as insecure as he sometimes lets on.

Josh kisses him again.

"Does that turn you on or what's the matter?" Aidan chuckles as he pulls away again.

"I am just happy that I am part of this your life," he says, kissing him again.

For choosing me once.

For letting me in.

For not turning bitter.

For not giving up just yet.

"Josh," Aidan breathes. He could drink that voice all day long, these words, so soft in tone, but so strong in meaning.

"And before a full moon, I am horny as hell," Aidan smiles against his teeth, making Aidan laugh, "Thank God we still have the whole night tonight… possibly the next day, too."

And hopefully... many more.


	3. Lyrics on Recyclable Paper

Josh never thought this could possibly ever happen. He didn't even dare to believe that his idol, Aidan Waite, would have interest for him. And by no means did he ever believe that Aidan would want more than a one-night-stand.

He never thought someone would want him like that.

Maybe even… _need_ , if only just a little bit.

He didn't feel needed in so long that the mere possibility leaves him breathless.

But here they are: Two monsters who just try to pretend normal in a world that is mostly chaos and cellphone advertisements.

Josh never thought he'd be able to be that close to someone again, after he was turned into that thing, but Aidan is fine with it he is fine with this curse, and far more importantly, he is fine with the person Josh is now as a result. Actually, ever since they admitted the truth to each other, that awkward tension dissolves more and more each day.

_A million things to say and write. All of which are right. Because they come right from the heart onto the page, no longer in a cage. These words hidden in my notebook. I finally have a positive outlook. On life, on me, because in my head now is a symphony._

Aidan explained a few things to him by now, shared a few stories, and Josh tried his best to open up, too.

Because that is by no means easy for him.

Josh is used to hiding feelings and fears (other than his OCD) deep inside of him.

He tries to contain that monster living within him. That made him so used to hiding from others that only now he realizes how he almost disappeared from everyone's view. He was a ghost, invisible. And while he wanted it for a while, Josh finds himself becoming more visible each day.

Because there is someone looking at him now.

Someone who doesn't turn away, even though he knows his darkest secret.

What is perhaps even more surprising, though, is that Aidan strives for the same things Josh craved for: Being human, trying not to be a monster.

Just like him, Aidan wants to be part of humanity. He wants to have contacts to humans. He doesn't want to live at the borders completely. He doesn't want to be a monster on the inside.

And to suddenly have someone by your side, fighting for the same thing... it is simply uplifting.

"What are these?" Aidan asks from Josh's bedroom, more to himself, but still loud enough for the werewolf to hear.

They switch places according to where they are closest to after a gig or so. Since the last show happened to be close to his neighborhood, the men went over to Josh's place to spend the night. The werewolf comes out of the kitchen with a mug of tea in hand, but almost drops it as he sees Aidan skimming through the pages he forgot to put away the night before. Damn!

Goddamn!

"Oh! Oh my God! That's, that's nothing, Just leave it," Josh says, running up to the small table, trying to shield the papers from Aidan's view, but of course, it's all too late already.

"Those are lyrics," Aidan states. He didn't know that Josh was even interested in writing. While he always thought that he had something lyrical about him, Aidan didn't even… or well, upon reflection, that would explain the notebook.

"Yeah, but they are crap," Josh argues, fighting a blush.

"They look like paper to me," Aidan chuckles softly. Josh narrows his eyes at him.

"So you've written all these?" Aidan asks, his eyes sparking with enthusiasm. Because there are just so many of them that Aidan can hear the music in his head already.

"Yeah, and they are crap," the brunet argues persistently. It's something he does to clear his head. Writing things down helps him push past it. He puts all those unwanted emotions into them, or those too much wanted.

And honestly? To have Aidan digging through them now is a boundary he would rather not cross just yet. They are still only together in a short while.

"They are amazing," Aidan insists. He only read the top one and was drawn in. He could hear the music in his head, literally. He was right in that scene, right in that forest.

"Now you are just making fun of me," Josh grunts.

"That is poetry, Josh. God, if only I could write like that," Aidan sighs. He always loved to sing, but often he can't find the words his voice means to express. Usually, the band and he just huddle together and mull the lines over until they are passable at best (to his liking), but to tell the truth, they are mostly just the scaffold for the music, but lack the content, are bare on the inside.

But these words? They are nothing but content. They are anything but bare. They are full, rich, they overflow.

"They are just lines," Josh shakes his head.

"Just lines? The lyrics are the main part," Aidan argues.

"They are secondary. They are just words written on recyclable paper," Josh objects.

"Words with a lot of meaning," Aidan insists. "On recyclable paper."

"These words actually gain meaning only through the singer's performance. The lyrics can be as good as you want them to be, but if the singer doesn't understand them, doesn't knows how to transform them into tone, into voice, they are worth nothing. The singer gives the lyrics soul. He lends them his voice. He tells the story," Josh corrects him. "He makes it real."

"I'd say one can't be without the other," Aidan shrugs. "Like us."

"Whatever," Josh huffs, though he blushes slightly.

"How long do you write?" Aidan asks curiously.

"I don't know. I guess since I'm a teenager. Lovesickness makes you silly," Josh shrugs. "Once I was turned, I thought this would help, you see, to write it down… since I like rhyming, I wrote poems most of the time."

_The feelings I can't say. The fears I can't explain. The terror I would like to slay, to kill both horror and the pain.  
_

"And the lyrics?" Aidan asks.

"Some 'lyrics' are actually poems, like this one here," Josh shrugs, pointing at one of the papers in front of Aidan. "And those which are not… well, I started writing these… _some_ time back…"

"When?" Aidan grimaces, realizing the odd tone in his partner's voice.

"Oh well... Honestly? After I heard you guys perform for the first time," Josh admits, fighting a blush.

"We inspired you to write these?" Aidan blinks at him.

"I don't want to appear like the obsessive fan here," Josh grimaces.

"No, I mean… it's just… I find that a great honor," Aidan explains."That you liked our stuff so much that you... decided to write these."

_You created art, just for me? Because all I see is beauty, captured on these white pages. For no matter the time, their grace never changes._

"But still, they are more like... _compensation_ , pretty much," Josh bites his lower lip. It's something he does to deal with his problems, or his affairs of the heart. He writes these lines in notebooks most of the time so that he has a lid to close it with, to seal those words and leave them there.

"I would love to sing these. Hey, you could be our songwriter!" Aidan grins.

"If you want to have another round, just say so, don't say such things to get me horny, alright? That doesn't work," Josh rolls his eyes.

"I mean that, man! If we had lyrics like that to sing, we'd make more than one night shows in shabby pubs," Aidan insists. "Your lyrics are good."

"But good at best," Josh argues.

"Let me rephrase that: They are _outstanding_. No, they are art. If I had money, Josh, I swear to God, I'd hire you at an instant," Aidan goes on.

"I wouldn't need the money. I have my job. This I do for leisure anyways," Josh shrugs.

"That is probably the hottest thing someone's ever said to me," Aidan chuckles cheekily.

"Oh, so it's not just that you're happy to see me," Josh wiggles his eyebrows, nodding at Aidan, who is apparently standing in his boxers.

"Will you let us play a few of these?" the vampire asks.

"All of them, if you want," Josh shrugs.

He's written them with Aidan's voice inside his head anyways.

"Okay, now that demands celebration," Aidan grins, pulling Josh into a kiss and back over to the bed. "Really, screw dirty talk, talk poetry to me."

"Aidan," Josh mewls, but then goes with it.

It's just so nice to have someone… appreciating you.

Josh didn't have that in a while.

And even though he isn't used to it yet… he might start now.

* * *

"Okay, guys, you know Josh," Aidan says as they come inside the band room (AKA Jake's garage).

"Hi, Aidan's bitch," Henry greets Josh, sticking out his tongue. Aidan already means to kick him, when he hears Josh reply with a cold kind of nonchalance that makes even his skin crawl, "Why are you greeting yourself, Henry?"

"Dude, if you were any more of a bitch, you'd have puppies," Henry keeps teasing.

"Yeah, and then you wouldn't be the only dog in the room, let's rejoice," Josh retorts.

"Good one," Henry chuckles. Josh knows by now that _The Fangs_ , as the name lets on once you think about it, are all vampires.

"What's he doing here, though?" Jake asks. Aidan shoots him a glance - like an arrow. He knows that the guys are always into teasing him and pissing off whatever partner he was or is with, but he is serious about Josh, so he would really appreciate it if the guys gave a good impression, just once. Please.

"What?" the other man frowns.

"He is here because I asked him to help us out. Josh is one fine songwriter, and he gave his okay to try some of his songs," Aidan proclaims.

"No shit?" Henry frowns.

"No shit," Aidan nods.

"Fan, dishwasher, Aidan's bitch, songwriter… can't you pick one thing and stick to it?" Henry mutters. "This starts to confuse me."

"I can break the numbers down for you if it's that difficult for you," Josh replies with a smug grin.

"My, my, you seemingly grew some balls since the last time I've seen you," Henry shrugs, unimpressed. "Anyway, let's see how much is behind that, or if Aidan doesn't just go all boyfriend on you and drags us along."

Josh hands them a few printouts of the songs he and Aidan chose for today. The others read in silence, but you can see that they like what they read.

"You really did that all by yourself?" Gabriel asks.

"Yep," Josh nods.

"Okay, let's do it," Henry says, getting the bass.

_I run through the night_

_Got no place to hide_

_The woods seem endless_

_In the world's madness_

_My fear_

_It hurts_

_Deep inside_

_It scorches_

_This flame_

_It burns_

_I run through the night_

_I stumble_

_I fall_

_In the distance a feral growl_

_Stop!_

_Please!_

_Somebody help me!_

_Please!_

_Stop!_

_No!_

_Clutch at my fear and don't let go_

_Where do I go?_

_Where can I hide?_

_I keep running through the night_

_An echo rings above the clouds_

_The leaves, they muffle all the sounds_

_They hush my cries_

_My agony_

_But then it stop_

_And finally I'm free_

_I bathe in the light_

_The darkest night_

_I run as far as I can_

_Leave everything behind_

_The moon shines down on me oh so bright_

"Wow, I love the sound of that," Gabriel grins.

"My thought exactly," Aidan agrees. Live it sounded even better than inside his head.

"You are officially hired – and by that I mean you won't get a single dollar for it coz we can't afford it, but… ugh, you get free tickets?" Henry chuckles.

"Josh? What do you say?" Aidan asks him.

"You sounded amazing," Josh tells him.

"No, I mean… do we get to perform your songs?" Aidan asks, now very sincere.

"As I said, I've written them for you to sing anyway, so yeah," Josh whispers, but then turns to the others as well. "Though I demand free drinks at least twice a month."

"That we can do," Jake assures him.

"Then I guess we finally found ourselves a songwriter," Aidan smiles.

* * *

"That doesn't sound right," Aidan grimaces. They tried this new song Josh wrote, _Darkness Claims Me_. It's amazing, to say the least, and Aidan devoured every single word with shivers running up and down his spine after Josh gave him the first sketches.

However now that they perform it, it doesn't sound at all like he thought.

"It sounds good, that's not it," Jake agrees. "But something's off."

"Josh?" Aidan turns to the werewolf, who listened to all of it carefully.

"… I can only agree," he says.

"What would you suggest?" the raven asks him.

"Me?" Josh frowns.

"It's your song," Aidan shrugs. Why is he so surprised about these things?

"Well, I don't know. Maybe if you tried to go a bit higher in the fifth line, you know, like… draw it out more," Josh replies uncertainly.

"Huh?" Aidan frowns.

" _Of light_. _In the dark_. If you sing 'light' a little higher, you'd get more range when you sing the dark in a lower voice. It's a better contrast… maybe," Josh explains, actually singing the first words, though almost in a whisper. Aidan tilts his head curiously, but then focuses on his guitar again.

"Okay, let's try that," Aidan blinks at him. The others agree and start again.

_Of light_

_In the dark_

"Sounded better," Gabriel says once they are through the song another time.

"But still something's not quite right," Jake argues.

"Yeah, well, we'll keep working on it," Aidan shrugs. He wants to master that song.

"Or not, the other ones work just fine," Henry snorts.

"I will sing that song one day, trust me," Aidan tells him, though his eyes are on Josh.

I will sing it to you one day, I promise.

"We'll surely figure it out," Josh smiles at him sweetly.

They carry on after that, getting lost in the music.

Lost in the moment.


	4. Finding Reasons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh asks about Aidan getting blood. 
> 
> Aidan tells him a bit about his past. 
> 
> Aidan has to realize that Josh is really one of a kind. 
> 
> Both have to realize that they are suddenly confronted with deeper-reaching questions concerning their relationship. 
> 
> Aidan realizes that some things are worthwhile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here we dig a bit more into the past. As to Aidan's story: I already warned you that I wouldn't stick to canon, thus his background is slightly different, too. Plus, I changed how he gets blood (for hopefully good reasons!), I hope it'll become clear later on as to why I did that.

The two are over at Aidan's apartment again. The vampire is over his armchair, one leg dangling over the armrest, while he plays a few tunes on his guitar. Josh is busy devouring yet another book on medical issues. The brunet wanted to become a doctor before the wolf struck, after all. And while he dropped out of med school back then, the interest didn't die out at all.

Yet, to the day, Aidan wonders how that guy can read so much. Aidan himself is already a busy reader, though he mostly reads up on his own period of time. He just loves how they always get wrong the facts. He's friggin' _lived_ it, so he should know. Yet, Josh is the type of reader who can read _War and Peace_ within a single day – and then go on about _every_ little detail. And that is surely no pleasure to listen to if you have only read it once, and mostly skimmed through the pages, but Josh just wants to go on analyzing every little detail and hear your opinion about each section… well, it's a bit cute, too. Josh usually gets pretty excited about it – and Aidan likes to see that.

Because Josh excited means Josh happy. And Aidan likes to have him happy.

"I was thinking…," the werewolf suddenly speaks up, putting the book aside… _finished_. That guy, Aidan thinks to himself. He started it only three hours ago!

"When exactly aren't you?" the vampire huffs. Josh is one broody fellow after all.

"I was just trying to swiftly lead to a conversation, but fine, screw up my plans," Josh snorts. He was actually trying to find a good moment to do it, and once he finished the book, he thought this would be the moment, but… well, Aidan seemingly didn't get that hint.

"What are you thinking about in particular, then?" the vampire exhales, resting his guitar on his stomach.

"How do you do it with the blood?" Josh asks, his voice a little softer now.

"What?" Aidan blinks at him. That is certainly a topic he didn't see coming.

"The blood. You need it, you said. How do you get it?" Josh asks simply.

"Wherever I can without causing too much chaos, I guess," Aidan shrugs, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. He doesn't like to talk about it. Especially to Josh. Obviously, he knows that Aidan needs blood, but the vampire would rather keep his friend out of harm's way, because that is what this business is: harm.

"Which means?" Josh tilts his head.

"What's it to you?" Aidan sighs.

You don't have to bother with this, Josh.

Trust me, it's not at all interesting.

"I'd just like to know… I… want to get to know you," Josh explains, biting his lower lip, lowering his gaze.

I want to know everything about you.

Aidan blinks a few times. That is the other thing that fascinates him about the werewolf: That guy really holds no judgment, at least when it comes to him and his vampirism. In fact, for the first time in a long time, Aidan feels like there is someone understanding his struggle.

"Well, as I said, it depends… sometimes we drink animals. It's not really… _good_ , but it works if you need it badly. Well, and if you… like… _make love_ … with someone… then some partners are actually… okay with… donating some…," Aidan explains, his voice trailing off. He really doesn't like to talk about it.

Especially the implication about former lovers is not exactly a good topic when in conversation with your current partner.

"Aha," Josh grimaces.

"They actually find it quite thrilling," Aidan adds quickly.

"Is that so?" Josh cocks an eyebrow at him.

"Stop giving me that dirty look," Aidan snorts. "That's my thing. It's just something that makes it a little easier for them… and in that sense, easier for us as well. Though we have to watch it that we don't end up taking too much."

"So when you take blood… you can easily… get… too hungry," Josh concludes.

"Yeah, kinda," Aidan shrugs. "Well, but you don't have to worry that I'll end up biting you. The werewolf smell keeps us vampires from doing it."

"Oh, so my smell actually turns you off? That's good to know," Josh chuckles.

"Nah, that's two different things. You know that you can turn me on – very much," Aidan smiles cheekily.

"Good save," Josh chuckles. "So do you turn them if you… bite them?"

"No. We technically can, but I'm like you. I try not to turn people," Aidan shrugs.

"Did you, though, in the past?" Josh questions.

"A few times. I was the one who turned Henry, actually," Aidan admits.

"Really?" Josh looks at him. Neither man ever let him in on that, but that is the thing. While Aidan was open about his apparent vampirism, he doesn't address the topic much. Josh meant to ask him in the first place because Aidan seems so utterly normal to him that he feels so much more awkward as a result.

Aidan can blend in easily. Josh, by contrast, feels as though he either stands out in the wrong way or just bleaches out.

"If I say so? He and I fought in war together. By that time I was already a vampire in a few years. I got 'mortally' wounded, but I obviously came back… Henry's helped me, so that I wasn't discovered. Then he was attacked and on the verge of death, so I turned him to… save his life, or so I thought," Aidan explains. Josh is actually the first one he tells this, well, aside from Jake and Gabriel, obviously. Among vampires, you just tend to share these stories at some point.

Oh, so how have you been faring?

Good, good. Bit here, bit there.

Cool, look at this guy I just recently turned! He's totally giddy.

Oh yeah, I picture. How are the other kids?

Something like that… However, the thing is that Josh is the first person outside the realm of vampires he lets in on these things. And while Aidan would sometimes rather not, Josh makes it easy for him, or so he has to realize.

"Was that the first time you did?" Josh asks cautiously.

"Yeah. It was odd, you know? I guess it was just my instinct kicking in. Once again, all the things I knew, I told myself, because no one showed me the way," Aidan exhales. Josh grimaces. Yeah, he really knows that feeling all too well.

"Sometimes it seems to be some kind of coincidence that I was turned on the battlefield the same way Henry was," the vampire snorts. "The problem was that I was really inexperienced. I didn't know what to do to help Henry. I vaguely knew what I needed as a vampire and how to get it. I just made it through, but… well, gladly, Henry took it better than I thought. So we just went together from there."

To the day, he asks himself how Henry got over it so fast. Of course he was upset at first – and they have had their fair share of fights over the matter – but Henry, once he accustomed to the new lifestyle, seemingly found fulfillment in his vampirism.

He is fine being a monster, at least he says so credibly.

And while Aidan still fights for humanity, and thus something entirely different from Henry, he is glad that the other man never really blamed him for it.

"Does that make you his dad in a way?" Josh scrunches his nose.

"I tried to be a bit of a father figure once I knew more, you know, out of responsibility, but… Henry grew independent very fast," Aidan shrugs.

"I bet that was the time he turned out to be an idiot, too," Josh snorts, which makes Aidan chuckles softly, "I'd always claim so."

"And Jake and Gabriel?" Josh asks.

"We met only about… this life, let's say. They are little chaps compared to Henry and I. They are just like… fifty, or so," Aidan replies.

"Yeah, stuck in the bodies of twenty year olds. They are old people to most others, you know?" Josh huffs.

"Yeah, but time starts to blur away once you live so many years," Aidan exhales.

"I imagine…Or well, at some point I fear I can't," Josh grimaces. "I already fail to understand how it was like during your time. I mean, I've read the history books, but we both know that living something and reading about it are two different things."

Aidan smiles softly - they really think alike at times.

"Well, since I never met my creator in person, it was just something very... sudden. Just as everything was short before I got turned. One day, I was that close to taking over my father's firm, the next day Suzanna...," Aidan says, but then stops himself. The vampire nervously looks over to his partner, fearing that he'll be met by a wall of jealousy and hurt feelings over the mentioning of someone else, but... Josh just tilts his head at him curiously, "May I ask who Suzanna is?"

"She used to be my sweetheart back then," Aidan replies.

"Were you two married?" Josh asks. "I mean... I don't want to be nosy, but... you seem to be the age when you actually could have married already."

"We weren't married, no. She was the girl I met, but before it got really serious, I was called off to war," Aidan shrugs.

"When you were turned," Josh nods.

"Yeah," the vampire agrees. "I haven't seen her since. Once I realized that something was wrong with me, I stayed away from my hometown. And once I extended my fangs over some fresh chicken I sucked dry, I started to understand that I was a vampire... and made sure to never come back again."

"Wow," Josh mutters, then coughs lightly before carrying on, "Can I ask you about the blood another time?"

"Sure?" the vampire blinks at him.

"What is _now_ , for instance? For you, I mean? Do you… see other people to have… a donation?" Josh bites his lower lip.

"Are you subtly asking me if I have sex with other people?" Aidan knits his eyebrows.

"Don't get me wrong, I'd really understand that," Josh shrugs.

"Huh?" Aidan grimaces. If he was confused before, he is totally irritated now.

Josh shrugs, "Blood is something you need. And if that is the only way you get it… and anyways, if you want to be with other people, I'm fine with that. I am not delusional or anything, people have varying sexual partners. Actually, monogamy is evolutionally not a trait humans used to inherit. It's more of a societal phenomenon."

"You really come me with evolutionary theory right now?" Aidan makes a face. Josh shrugs again. The vampire lets out a sigh, sitting up properly. He puts the guitar away and looks his partner deep in the eyes, suddenly very serious, "I'm not seeing anyone, Josh. Ever since you stumbled into my life… there's just you."

"But really, I would understand that," Josh assures him.

"You are the first guy I met who ever said that to me," Aidan shakes his head with a small smile.

"I don't know, I'm just not a very jealous type of a guy, I guess," Josh shrugs his shoulders. "I mean, that I understand it doesn't necessarily mean that I wouldn't bitch about it, but… well, for you it's a different situation, coz you need the blood to survive. Other people just must fight the urge not to spread their legs."

"Do _you_ see someone else?" Aidan asks.

Are they really having that conversation now?

"What? No, I'm actually very… monogamous," Josh shrugs.

He was never the type of guy to have many partners. Even when he was still uncertain about his sexuality, Josh never met more than one person at a time. Though he always pushed it to the fact that no one but this one would be even interested in him.

"Sometimes I don't understand you," Aidan exhales. He says that he is fine if Aidan had other relationships, but he wouldn't see anyone else? Really?

"Most of the time I don't understand myself either, so that makes two," Josh chuckles. "It's as I said, though. For you, there are different rules in my opinion. Because you are a vampire. Since I am a werewolf, the rules don't apply to me the same way. I can just as well not spread my legs, easy as that. One thing is about needing something, the other about wanting. And those are two totally different things, obviously."

" _Obviously_? I think half of the population never bothered about the distinction," Aidan huffs.

"Well, I do," Josh replies. "So yeah… it'd be fine, just so that you know."

"I'm not seeing someone else. And I wouldn't want to either," Aidan tells him again, in all earnest. While there was a time when he had more than one partner at a time, Aidan never even considered having someone beside Josh.

_With you by my side, there is nothing to hide. For as long as I got you, I don't need anything but you. I do. I do._

"Then how do you get the blood? Or do you drink deer without inviting your werewolf friend over for dinner? Because that is surely impolite," Josh teases, though he would honestly like to know.

"No, no deer… Well, the good thing is that we help each other out, the four of us," Aidan shrugs. It's far from perfect, this arrangement, but the best he can do at this point. The game always changes. While there were certain options in the past, there may not be in the present day. And what is possible in the present day was way out of reach in the past.

Society changes.

And with that flow he has to go as well, if he wants to survive, or no, not just survive.

Live.

Be human.

"So they take a pint more while they are having their adventures?" Josh grimaces. "Tupperware?"

"In a way, yeah, but no Tupperware… it's not really perfect, but… well, we gotta take what we get," Aidan admits now almost sheepishly.

"And do _they_ always ask for consent?" Josh asks the pressing question Aidan hoped the werewolf would just miraculously not get, but who is he kidding, huh?

"… I would have to lie to answer that question with yes," he replies mutely.

"Do you…?" Josh means to ask, but Aidan gets it and replies before he even has to say it, "I did, a few times, but I am trying to stay away from that."

"It's hard, isn't it?" Josh then says, with so much empathy in his voice that for a moment, Aidan can't catch his breath.

Really, that guy understands him.

Doesn't judge him.

It's so nice for once not to be judged.

That someone doesn't just look at you, but looks after you.

"Every day a new battle," Aidan exhales, sporting a sad smile.

"Do you sometimes feel like giving up?" Josh asks mutely.

"Yeah," Aidan sighs. "But then again… I don't."

"Why?" Josh asks, looking at him. Aidan flashes a small but honest smile, "Because I keep finding reasons worth fighting for."

_It's you. Fighting for you is all I want to do. Because you are the treasure I want to find every day anew. It is and will hopefully be you, always you._


	5. Happy Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Josh's birthday. 
> 
> Aidan wants to be a good boyfriend and celebrate, but... Josh is seemingly not in party-mood.

"Happy birthday," Aidan exclaims in an overly cheerful voice as Josh opens the door for him.

"Oh God, no," the werewolf grunts, burying his head in his hands. Aidan's shoulders drop.

What?

"Wow, that was not the reaction I expected," the vampire snorts.

"I'm sorry, c'mon inside, then," Josh shakes his head, trotting back inside. Aidan grimaces, but follows anyway, closing the door. He really thought this would be much cornier and… well, more like it is traditionally done. And honestly? He really took Josh for a birthday person.

"I guess it was good that I left the pink party hats at home," Aidan snorts.

"Then you guess right," Josh agrees.

"What's the matter with you? Most people are actually happy about their birthdays. Unless you get too old, of course, which is why I hate my birthday, but you? You should be cheerful and all that stuff," Aidan grimaces, trying to sound funny, though he senses that this is actually far from funny for Josh. He is not good at these kinds of things.

"I am not. Look, I appreciate it that you came by – thankfully _without_ a party hat, but… I don't celebrate this day. Actually, I would rather forget about it altogether," Josh explains, looking tired. If it were possible, he'd erase that day from the calendar until the day he dies.

"Why?" the vampire questions.

"Aidan, just… leave it, please. I am in a foul mood," Josh exhales, running a hand over the back of his head and then the nape of his neck.

"Yeah, that I can see," Aidan snorts, but then puts on a cheerful smile again – because he shall be damned if he doesn't get that man to smile on his stupid birthday. "But look at this! That will surely cheer you back on, hm?"

He waggles a small present at him.

"Oh, please no," Josh exclaims, now really desperately. For a moment Aidan honestly fears that his partner will cry right now.

"Wow, you suck at this," Aidan grimaces, letting his shoulders drop once more.

"I know, I know," Josh exhales. "I'm sorry. I don't mean it. It's… I'm sorry."

"Okay, let's sit down," Aidan suggests, already nudging Josh to walk over to the kitchen so they can sit face-to-face and have proper conversation.

Really, that's not how he had it planned.

"Okay," Josh sighs. Once they are seated, Aidan slides the present over the table another time, "And now you will open it – and you'll say 'thank you, Aidan, that is amazing of you, and so considerate that I could kiss you' the way you surely learned it as a kid. And I may add that I usually don't do presents, so you'd better appreciate that a bit. I'm making an effort of being a normal considerate boyfriend who does presents."

"I'm sorry," Josh apologizes.

That is one of Josh's worst kinks in Aidan's opinion. That guy always apologizes. One time he caught the werewolf apologizing to someone who had the wrong number and called him five times in a row, at _three_ in the morning. In the end, Aidan snatched the phone from his friend and just yelled at the man that he was just about to fuck his boyfriend crazy for hours and he just totally destroyed the mood.

There was no call after that anymore, for the record… and no sex either, for that both were actually too tired, but at least they got their sleep then.

So yeah, Josh apologizes way too often, especially for those things he cannot affect at all.

"Now just take it and open it already," Aidan taps his fingers on the silver-wrapped present. Josh takes the present and unwraps it.

"It's nothing great or anything, but I thought it's at least something personal. We recorded all songs we produced so far. Henry hates me till today for it coz I wanted it to be perfect. We had to play _Hoax_ at least twenty times because I wasn't satisfied. That bridge is a killer," Aidan grimaces. It actually took him a lot of convincing, and a promise of a paid night-out for the band to make them do this for him, but Aidan wanted this present to be... a good one. He wanted to impress Josh, or at least show how much he cares about him.

Because he really, really does.

"Thank you," Josh mutters, blinking at the self-made CD in his hands.

"Do you like it?" the vampire asks.

"I love it," Josh blurts out.

And he's being a melodramatic idiot. Josh would really love to die right now. This is all too much.

"Good. Now was that so hard? Why not all at once, huh?" Aidan chuckles.

"As I said, just a shit-day," Josh exhales. He would rather bury himself in the ground until this day is over. And while he appreciates it, honestly could kiss Aidan for it, he would rather be alone now.

"Why?" the vampire asks.

"Coz on that day I always realize that I changed my number," Josh eventually admits, not meeting the other man's eyes, who frowns, "What do you mean?"

"It's nothing," Josh shakes his head. He already said too much.

"Josh, don't make me get the truth out of you – that is a fight you'll lose, trust me," Aidan narrows his eyes at him.

"When I was in college, my sister was heart-broken coz she feared we'd grow apart. She pondered on how we'd only see each other on the birthdays and Christmas dinners and act like those awkward siblings in the movies. We always hated those," Josh begins to explain.

"So what did you do?" Aidan asks. Josh rarely talks about his family. While he knows that Josh left them after he turned for the first time, it is a topic he tries to bypass the best he can.

"Well, we had that stupid tradition ever since children that we wrote each other birthday songs, like really awful ones," Josh goes on with a sad smile, writing on the tabletop with just his index finger, leaving no marks behind.

 _No traces of me. Please, forget me. Pretend I wasn't there. Pretend I am lost in nowhere. Won't ever return. To ashes I burn. But that is fine. Inside my heart, you'll always be mine_.

"Yeah?" Aidan chuckles softly.

"It was fun only once we were a bit older – coz the songs got meaner and naughtier each time," Josh smirks. "And we tried to surpass each other in embarrassing the other. We even did that in front of friends and family to make matters worse."

Aidan puckers his lips. At some point he can't picture Josh like that. Though he knows that he, once comfortable around people, is much more open – and always a good laugh, it seems almost surreal to imagine Josh doing such a thing openly.

Aidan would have loved to get to know Josh sooner, to witness him also as this perhaps rather outgoing guy, who was not afraid to embarrass himself in front of others… or his sister.

It's a pity that a werewolf can destroy that within a person.

And within that person of all people.

"So you carried on with it in college?" Aidan asks.

"I thought we didn't, until my phone rang, early morning of my birthday and I hear my little sister shouting into the receiver:

 _Happy birthday little sucker! Tell you what? You're so old you're gonna pucker! You'll get all wrinkly, and your pubes will be all frizzy. I hope your roommate listened to that crap, because he's one fat hag! Happy birthday, my big brother! And by the way – surprise, motherfucker_!"

"Oh my God," Aidan snorts, trying to hold back his laughter, picturing that scene.

"For the record, my roommate actually heard that," Josh adds.

"Wow," Aidan shakes his head.

"You should've heard mine for her eighteenth birthday, though. I crashed her party – with a guitar and costume. It was awful. And I got grounded, regardless of my age," Josh smiles at the memory. He's never seen his mother that upset, really.

"That sounds like fun," Aidan chuckles.

"It was," Josh nods.

"The lyrics?" Aidan asks.

"Nah," Josh shakes his head. This is just so stupid.

"C'mon, you gave me hers, too," Aidan argues. Josh lets a sigh, but gives in eventually, "Fine… so it went like this:

 _Sweet eighteen, now that's an age! I shut my eyes when I see you engage, in that grinding and groping, silently hoping, that a giant velociraptor will steal that damn pink vibrator. I know you're embarrassed now, would like to disappear, but sister dear, today I tell you that I fear that the day is near that I will scream the truth for all to hear: When someone asks me if you're the sister for whom I opted, I tell them straightly no matter, there's no sister that is better, oh, almost forgot: You are adopted. And you suck. Not dick_."

"I would've grounded you for that one, too," Aidan laughs.

"Well, gladly her friends knew about the fact that she was gay, or else I really would have been in trouble," Josh huffs.

"But velociraptor, really?" Aidan can't help but frown.

"She hated _Jurassic Park_ , I loved it. She kept making fun of it. That was my comeback," Josh shrugs.

"Well, that surely sounds like fun," Aidan chuckles softly.

"It was… for as long as it lasted… because ever since med school… I had no such call anymore," Josh sighs, his features dropping again. And that is when it dawns on Aidan, "… You didn't talk to them since you were turned."

"No, as I said, I changed my number," Josh nods with a sad smile tugging at his lips.

"But you could still call them. From a phone booth or something. Or my phone, whatever, then they couldn't trace you back, if that is what you fear," Aidan argues. He gets it that Josh doesn't want to be around them, but he could call. He won't turn them through the receiver.

"I cut contact to them. I won't call them only just coz I feel bad. I won't do that to them," Josh replies sternly.

"You know that you could, right? Like…. Have contact with them again? You have contact with me, too, and the band," Aidan argues in a soft voice. He found a way to be around people as well, but Josh is so persistent in staying away from his family that it gives Aidan stomach aches.

"Because you are like me. My family is not. And I want things to stay that way," Josh replies.

"You won't turn them just upon a single touch," Aidan argues.

"I won't endanger them," the werewolf insists.

"A phone call won't," Aidan objects.

"It's better if they just hate me for cutting down contact with them. That's easier than leaving them under the impression that I actually would like contact," Josh sighs, and Aidan nods slowly, getting it, "Because then they'd come looking for you."

Can it really be a blessing that you no longer have a family around? Aidan can't help but wonder. While you miss them if they are long since gone… it might be even harder to know that they are just within your reach, but you can't, mustn't reach out to them.

"Yeah," the werewolf agrees. He doesn't know how many times he wanted to call his family, call Em, ask them how they are, just hear their voices. But he always hung up again.

_I cut the rope. Gave up that hope. Please don't try to make a knot. Don't balance on a broken string. It will tear and swing. You will fall and I won't catch you. Watching on is all I can do._

"I'm sorry," Aidan sighs. He wished Josh wouldn't be forced through that pain, through the kind of pain that makes even a birthday bitter.

"Not your fault, definitely not yours," Josh exhales.

At least he is no longer alone.

"So today is… not a good day," Aidan grimaces sympathetically.

"No," Josh smiles sadly. "Not a good day."

Aidan takes his hands into his own, "I actually wanted to take you out tonight, but maybe… we could also just chill and listen to the CD?"

"That sounds… amazing," Josh smiles, his eyes glistening.

"Then that is what we'll do," Aidan winks at him.

Josh will have to listen to other songs from now on.

"And just so that you know, if you are looking for a birthday present for me that I'm not gonna hate – write mean lyrics to sing to Henry on my birthday," Aidan grins mischievously. Josh wipes over his left cheek, "I can surely arrange that."

"Happy birthday, Josh."


	6. Singing under the Shower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh sings under the shower.
> 
> Aidan hears Josh sing under the shower. 
> 
> Josh suddenly finds himself in a spot he didn't ever think about.

Josh is under the shower, allowing the thankfully warm water (the heater usually gives up on him after five minutes) to soak his skin. He just loves that sensation.

Actually, his life is going pretty… well… lately. Josh didn't feel happy in a long while, but now he does. Even though the only circumstance that really changed in his life is that Aidan is now a part of it. Other than that, he still works the same job, reads the same books, lives in the same apartment (though he is, of course, often over at Aidan's), and is still just a socially awkward guy who happens to be a werewolf.

However, the fact that there is someone in his life again is about the greatest little-big thing that happened to him ever since he was turned, if not ever.

_What is a life if not to share? It is something precious, very rare. Because the equation goes against all odds: One shared soul, it makes two wholes._

So yeah, life is, aside the usual monster-madness, pretty good for once.

"And suddenly the darkest night, seems not at all so dark, but bright," he hums as he turns off the water and steps out of the shower, grabbing the nearest towel he can find to wrap around his midsection. "Finally I found a way, out into the day, into the light, it shines so bright. And all I want to do is…"

Suddenly the door swings open.

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"What?! Oh my God! You gotta knock! I almost had a heart attack," Josh shrieks as Aidan storms inside. The younger man grips the towel a little tighter. While Aidan has obviously seen him naked before, Josh doesn't like it when someone just walk in on him as he is in his Adam's costume. He's socially awkward, so what do you expect?

"So did I. First the lyrics, now the voice. You keep things from me!" Aidan pouts.

"What do I keep from you?" Josh frowns. Is that guy serious?

"That you are one bloody good singer?" Aidan says, gesticulating.

"I sing… under the shower, literally," Josh makes a face.

"You sing _amazing_ under the shower, _literally_ ," Aidan retorts.

"Not nearly as good as you," Josh huffs.

"I love the sound of your voice. It's…," Aidan means to say, but the other man interrupts him, "Weak, I got no range, no high pitch, I can't hold a tone for more than two seconds."

"It's _special_. You are right, you are no Whitney Houston or so, but you have that soft whisper that makes one's skin crawl. And that breathy voice only adds to it! That's amazing – and I've never heard it like that before," Aidan goes on, unnaturally excited for the guy who is usually the composed and calm one of the two.

"Don't always make fun of me," Josh snorts.

"I am not!" Aidan insists.

"I sing fairish at best, but no more," Josh shakes his head.

"Who said that to you? The head teacher of the school choir?" Aidan huffs.

"For instance," Josh retorts.

"You gotta be kidding me. Those guys are looking for someone who can sing the musical scale up and down until they are hoarse, or those who can sing _Amazing Grace_ to make the mommies and daddies cry when it's performed on Mother's or Father's Day. They didn't want me in a choir either," Aidan objects.

"You never were in a school choir," Josh rolls his eyes.

"But church choir. They hated my voice and threw me out," Aidan argues.

"Well, perhaps it was a different time," Josh exhales.

"Doesn't change a thing. People are just that stupid. What you and I have are… special voices, special tones. You said that yourself," Aidan insists persistently.

"Yeah, when it comes to you," the werewolf huffs.

"As someone who knows such things, let me tell you: You've got a talent – aside from songwriting. You are a far more than fairish singer. I would love to sing with you… Thinking about it, we should try just that!" Aidan says, clapping his hands together.

"That's not happening. I only sing in the shower, okay?" Josh argues vehemently.

"Why? You love music," Aidan makes a face.

"I also love baking cake. That doesn't mean I do it for a living," Josh snorts.

"Remember how we talked about _Darkness Claims Me_ and how there was something missing? Tell you what - I know now: It's because it's better sung as a duet. We should sing that, together, you and I! I bet the sound would be amazing! And I bet it'd finally sound the way it ought to!" Aidan rambles.

That is what was missing: a second voice.

And it's Josh of all people!

That's perfect!

"No, that's never gonna happen," Josh shakes his head.

"Why not?" Aidan frowns.

"I get a panic attack whenever I have to talk in front of people. And now you tell me to sing? Onstage? You gotta be kidding me," Josh retorts.

"But you got just the right sound, I can tell. Look, I don't always have the right critique when it comes to the lyrics, because I am not nearly as talented as you are, but I know how things have to sound – and you and I could sound amazing together," Aidan insists.

"I won't sing in public," Josh hisses.

"Then just with the band," Aidan bargains.

"No, Henry will just make fun of me," Josh rolls his eyes. "More than anyways. I don't want to give him more fuel if I can help it."

"He does that once and I punch him in the crotch," Aidan argues.

"Dude," Josh makes a face. Aidan shrugs at him, "Someone insults you, be sure I'll make him or her regret it. But now seriously – c'mon, just once! Please!"

"Damn these puppy eyes. They are the death of me. Or no, you are," Josh mutters.

"That means you'll do it?" Aidan grins.

"Yeah that means I'll do it. And that also means I am mad at you now," Josh narrows his eyes at him threateningly.

"And by that you don't mean sexy-mad at me?" Aidan waggles his eyebrows at him.

"Not even close," the werewolf replies, pushing him away a little.

"That sucks!" Aidan exclaims dramatically.

"Now go outside – I would like to finish this here," Josh quips, pushing Aidan back over to the door.

"I'd always volunteer to help," Aidan grins, rewarding the other man with a more than dirty look.

"Out!" Josh yells.

"I gotta loo," Aidan argues teasingly.

"Pee in the sink, I don't care! Out now!" Josh grumbles.

"You know this is technically my apartment," the vampire argues.

"You know that I don't give a damn?" Josh apes him.

"One kiss before I go?" Aidan bargains.

"Nope," Josh huffs.

"You keep hurting my feelings," the other man whines, if only to annoy Josh a little more.

"I am standing here in only just a towel and would like to get changed. So off you go," Josh grumbles.

"Okay, you can't just drop that line without dropping the towel, too," Aidan retorts.

"Out!" Josh yells.

"I love it when you do the girly shriek!" Aidan snickers.

"Aidan!" Josh warns him.

"I'm going, I'm going, fine," the vampire sighs, holding his hands in the air to indicate his surrender, but then leans forward to kiss Josh on the cheek anyway, only to piss him off. The other man shoves him out by the head then, closing the door with a loud bam.

"I'm pissing in the sink, then!" Aidan yells through the closed door.

"Your apartment! Your call!" Josh replies.

_Sometimes I hate you. Sometimes I want to punch you. But there is nothing I can do. Because no matter how much you do annoy, you are always, too, the source of my deep-felt joy._

* * *

"I don't think I can do this," Josh mutters, his hands nervously flexing. Really, if only he had more of a bullhead like Aidan does, then he wouldn't be vibrating like a cellphone ever since he woke up this morning. He already had to change twice. The first time he got coffee all over his chest, the other time he was brushing his teeth and just got it everywhere, as though his mouth wouldn't function.

Which is not exactly helpful in the face of what he agreed to do today: Sing.

Josh really, if at all, sang for leisure, under the shower, and to annoy Em.

Rehearsals already gave him headaches since he was a small kid – and now he is supposed to sing in front of not only just _some_ audience, not just _some_ band, but _the_ band of all bands. While the dynamic is different now that he and Aidan are together, he still idealizes this group.

Their music saved him.

And he is afraid that his own might be his doom.

Because Josh managed to impress them with his lyrics, but with his voice? He just doesn't know.

"I know you can and you will," Aidan assures him. He knows that he is forcing his friend out of any comfort zone with making him stand onstage, but the vampire sees the many upsides of that arrangement. Of course he really wants to sing with Josh – because he just has the feeling that this will sound amazing, but now it seems even more important to make Josh… well, make his voice known.

He wants him to step out of the shadows again.

_For you are my light, even in the darkest night. So please, do not hide, but rather fight – your way out of the dark to ignite the spark to set the world on fire, so you may climb a little higher, to the stars, because that is where all along you, my dear, belong._

"I can't remember anything," Josh mutters, fidgeting around even more.

"You always remember everything. Your mind's one huge computer. You composed it, you know how this song goes. You can do this. And it's no big deal, just the band," Aidan argues. He knows that Josh knows each song by heart, not even his own, but all the band ever wrote – plus about half of the small library he calls his own.

"But…," the werewolf stammers, but Aidan cuts him off, "Josh, those guys still giggle at their own farts, they are really not that hard to impress. You can do it."

They make their way inside, where they are greeted as usual.

"So? What's on today's schedule?" Jake asks once they are all set.

"Today I wanna try _Darkness Claims Me_ once again," Aidan tells him, earning frowns from all other vampires.

"It didn't sound right the last time around. What do you think has changed since?" Gabriel argues.

"That Josh and I found a solution, obviously," Aidan shrugs.

"Which is?" Henry grimaces.

"Josh," the raven grins.

"Huh?" Henry furrows his eyebrows.

"What made it sound off is that it's actually a duet," Aidan explains.

"Okay…," Gabriel puckers his lips.

"And Josh will be the second voice," Aidan goes on.

"You can sing?" Henry looks at him.

"Not really…," Josh means to say, but Aidan interrupts him, "He is awesome but too shy to admit. So now, let's just get started."

The guys start to play the intro. Josh keeps fidgeting around on the chair provided for him, fixes the mic, his shirt, then his hair again. It's making Aidan dizzy in the head. So the vampire leans a little closer to whisper to him, "You can do it. I believe in you. Just focus on the words and what they mean to you."

Josh nods uncertainly, but then closes his eyes to focus, trying to call the images to his mind, the emotions within.

The message he wants to say, but can't, but has to sing instead.

His breath evens out.

_I have been_

_In the dark_

_All my life_

_Not a single spark_

_Of light_

_Of light_

_In the dark_

_I see people passing by_

_A shadow that am I_

_I see reflections of myself_

_In the windows_

_I run away_

_Run so far away_

_So far away_

_That no one comes to get me_

_That no one can reach me_

_I don't look back_

_And darkness consumes me_

_And darkness devours me_

_I run away_

_Run so far away_

_So far away_

_But I can't run forever_

_Coz it's me I am running from_

_Darkness claims me_

_Engulfs me_

_Shields me_

_Haunts my face_

_And steals my grace_

_So I don't run away_

_Not anymore_

_Darkness claims me_

_Each time more_

_Breathing in_

_Breathing out_

_With one last breath_

_I scream it loud:_

_Don't hold me_

_You can't save me_

_It's over_

_And you should better run_

_Away_

_Away_

_Back into the light of day_

_The last goodbye_

_Because I can't watch you die_

_Darkness claims me_

_And has me back again_

_I won't run away_

_Not anymore_

_For I am the darkness to the core_

_Back again_

_This is home_

_I should've known_

_And I am all gone_

The others stare at the duo, no one saying a word.

"What? Was I that awful?" Josh looks at them with wide eyes.

"That was… amazing," Jake blinks at the two.

"I told you guys," Aidan grins.

"My, my, you are a bundle of surprises, Josh-y," Henry teases him, patting him on the back.

"Let's do it again," Gabriel suggests.

"Yeah!" Jake agrees.

"I think I am dying," Josh sighs, clutching his stomach.

"That's the feeling of success," Aidan whispers at him.

"No, that's just the feeling of my breakfast coming back up," Josh argues.


	7. The New Manager

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aidan and Josh are goofing around. 
> 
> A man approaches them - and wants to become Aidan's manager. 
> 
> But that guy is not just a normal man.

And so Josh ended up as a part-time singer/songwriter for _The Fangs_. Aidan made him sing a few more pieces (which means he _really_ forced him), but Josh still rather leaves the stage to his partner – because he is no singer after all – and because it's still his greatest pleasure to watch and hear Aidan perform onstage. Though Josh has to admit that he starts to enjoy himself each day more. Not only because this seemingly earned him the band's respect, but also that of the listeners. Josh got a few compliments, really compliments (imagine that!).

Generally, they had a few more gigs, which is great for the band - and even greater for Josh. Because someone listens not only to Aidan's voice, but also to his words. To other people it may seem little, but to Josh, it's a gift to, well, be heard.

"Thank you all for listening. That's it for tonight. Goodnight," Aidan's voice rings out, bringing Josh back to the present situation. The band just finished the gig in a small nightclub. The werewolf made his way to the bar right after he was done with the duet and rewarded himself with a cold beer – and listening to the songs, obviously. He never grows tired of hearing them.

He never gets tired of listening to Aidan's voice. He drinks each tone like ice-cold water.

"So, what is someone like you doing here all alone?"

Josh turns around to see Aidan standing in front of him, sporting his usual smug grin.

"Just checking out the goods on display here," Josh shrugs, gesturing around the club.

"So? Did anyone catch your interest?" Aidan grins, playing along.

"Nah, not really. Though the one over there with the leather jacket is pretty attractive," Josh teases. Aidan takes him in a fake-choke, then, "Is that so?"

"What? He's kinda cute," Josh argues.

"He looks like the baby of a bulldog and an ostrich," Aidan corrects him.

"Now that you mention it. Well, then I guess I have no other choice but stick with you, huh?" Josh sticks out his tongue. "Though I think ostriches are kinda pretty."

Aidan takes a firmer hold of him, then, running his knuckles over Josh's head, making him whine, "I stop! I stop! Let go!"

The vampire keeps him in the choke, though, "You deserve some punishment."

"Dude! I'm no five year old!" Josh pouts.

"You damn well act like one," Aidan argues. "And anyways, you know that means that once we get home, I will screw you for…"

"Excuse me? Aidan Waite, correct?" a voice rings out from behind them. Both men turn, Aidan still his arm around Josh's neck. The two blink at a ginger man maybe his late thirties or early forties, dressed in a fine business suit.

"Ugh, yeah," Aidan replies. Josh pushes his arm away to free himself from the choke.

"If I may introduce myself: James Bishop. It's a true pleasure to meet you," the man introduces himself, extending his hand to Aidan, who takes it, frowning at the touch, though.

"What can I do for you, Mr. Bishop?" Aidan asks.

"The question, more appropriately, would be what I can do for you, Mr. Waite," Mr. Bishop smiles at him toothily.

"Okay, then what can you do for me?" Aidan asks.

"Well, I am a manager – and happen to be a huge fan of _The Fangs_. Thus, I would like to promote you and your band," the ginger-haired man tells him. Josh and Aidan stare at the man, gaping.

"Really? No shit?" Aidan blurts out. Josh nudges him in the side.

" _No shit_ ," the older man chuckles.

"You hear that?" Aidan looks at Josh. "Who could've guessed that we'd get ourselves the chance of a manager?"

"About that, there is one condition we sadly can't move around – if this cooperation is supposed to take place," Bishop grimaces. "I didn't want to address it right away, but I want to be open right from the start."

"What condition would that be?" Aidan asks.

"I need the band in the original setting, with you as the only lead singer," the manager goes on.

"Why? Josh and I sing well together," Aidan frowns.

"No doubt. And I _personally_ enjoy it a lot, but this is currently not wanted on the market. These days, if you want to become successful, we have to give you a certain image. And if it's one guy onstage, with his guitar in the spotlight – that is what gets us all the girls screaming and buying," Mr. Bishop replies.

"But Josh is…," Aidan mutters, but that is when he feels Josh pull on his sleeve, "Aidan, come with me for a second."

The werewolf then turns to the manager, "If you would excuse us for just one moment, please?"

"Please, go ahead, take your time," the manager nods. Josh pulls Aidan over to one of the corners to talk, "Are you nuts?"

"What?" the vampire makes a face.

"Aidan, I don't do singing for a living, you do. This might be your chance to spread your music. And I will kick you in the chin if you let that slip only coz you think you have to go boyfriend on me now," Josh warns him.

"So you wouldn't bother, you really wouldn't?" Aidan argues. Because he doesn't want Josh to be moping and mad at him because he went for it – he's had partners who were like that before, _en masse_.

"Never. See, I like to sing with you, but I don't want to make my money with it. For that I am really too insecure about myself. So you will go ahead and do as the man says – if that is what you want, of course, but if you want this, then don't stop short coz of me," Josh tells him.

 _I don't want to hold you back. I want to see you fly. Up into the sky. But please remember once upon a time, to come back to me. And sing the melody that only I can see_.

"Okay," Aidan breathes, a little taken aback by his partner's blazing eyes. Because he sees in them that he means it, every single word.

"Okay," Josh sighs.

"But I think there is one other thing…," Aidan grimaces.

"Which is?" Josh tilts his head.

"I think that guy is a vampire, too," the raven explains. "When I shook his hand, it was just as cold and I couldn't detect a pulse."

"Why didn't you say that right away?" Josh gapes at him, the vampire gives a shrug, "Dunno. I am… honestly a little confused by this."

"Wow, okay… that is something we definitely have to… address…," Josh grimaces. "But I mean… you play with vampires, so why not have one as your manager, huh?"

"You are sure about that?" Aidan asks.

"I'm not afraid of vampires. Though I find that guy kinda intimidating, still, but that's something entirely else. I think we should just see what he's up to. Listening to his offer won't harm, right?" Josh suggests. He presses Aidan's fingers gently once. The vampire smiles softly.

The two make their way back to Bishop.

"So? What do you think?" he asks.

"Uhm, I think there is one thing I noticed about you that might get in the way," Aidan tells him. The other man takes him by the arm to pull him over a little, his eyes suddenly black, "I knew that you were one of the sharper fellows. I know that you and your friends are, too, except for him here, obviously. I could tell by the smell that he's a mutt miles away. Dogs have that certain effect on us, don't they?"

"His name is Josh," Aidan hisses.

"Hey, I don't hold any grudges against his kind," Bishop grins at him, his eyes back to normal now. "You see, I observed you and your group in a longer while – and I want to help you. And I may say that I can help you with that other side of yours just as well."

"I'm handling about just fine," Aidan replies defensively. "Thank you."

"Really? Because I can tell you that there are better ways to get what we need – with less danger of being caught. I know that you and your friends have trouble. Even with the law at times, no? Let me tell you: If you let me, I will make sure you won't ever have that again," Bishop says to him.

Aidan bites his lower lip. It's been getting harder and harder these days. Because there is a limited number of people who agree to blood feasting. And yes, in fact some girls and boys came back around as it was done to them – and started to get really upset… scream… and call police. Especially Aidan has his troubles with it because in contrast to vampires like Henry, he is no good at compelling people. That makes it so much easier. The people are more willing and are pretty excited about it. Just not in his case.

"It doesn't have to be, you know. It's just an offer I make. I know how hard it can be, how hard it is, each day again," Bishop shakes his head. "I want to help people like you to find better ways."

"Well, that is nothing I can decide without having talked to the others," Aidan argues.

"Of course, of course. And you can take all the time you want. But either way, I want to promote your band anyway," Bishop smiles at him.

"Once again, I'll have to talk to the others, but… I think we can schedule a meeting to discuss the details," Aidan replies.

"Splendid!" the redhead replies, clapping his hands.

"But one thing: If this comes about, Josh is still onboard," Aidan says. The other man nudges him in the side, fighting a blush, "Aidan."

"Shut up," the raven vampire replies, but then turns back to Bishop. "He's written all of our new songs, which greatly improved our popularity. He belongs to us."

To me.

"Well, we have our own songwriters, but we will gladly consider you. That is all I can offer at this point. I am sorry, but I… have to stick to the rules, too," Bishop shrugs. "And of course the fact that I cannot have you singing duets does by no means imply that I would mean to exclude your friend. All of your friends shall be my friends, Aidan."

"What do you think?" Aidan asks Josh, who gives a shrug, "I'd be honored to be considered as a songwriter, thank you."

"Then I guess we have a… temporary arrangement, and hopefully a steady one in the near future," Bishop smiles. "Here is my card. Call me once you and the others have talked. Let me know what you think – and so God will, we can soon arrange for a meeting to figure out the contract and everything else."

"Okay," Aidan nods.

"Well, I have to head my ways again. I'm a busy man. I hope to see you soon again, Aidan," Bishop says before he turns away and leaves without another way.

"I'm not sure what to think of this, to be honest," Aidan grimaces.

"Me neither," Josh shrugs. "But… luck has the tendency to appear in the strangest shapes and forms."

"What now?" Aidan frowns at the other man, who still looks ahead.

"Well, think about it: I never expected to find happiness with the band leader I idealized by showing him the shabby side of poetry written on buildings. I didn't expect happiness to come out of way too messy apartments and low-paid jobs. And I guess that you didn't expect to find something like that with a socially awkward OCD-ridden werewolf who mostly doesn't realize when people get irritated about him," Josh explains. "To me it doesn't seem farfetched that maybe… happiness may also come in the shape of this guy…"

Aidan wordlessly pulls him to himself by the shoulder, "You're amazing when you are not annoying."

"And you're annoying when you are not amazing," Josh huffs. Aidan chuckles, pulling teasingly on the hairs on the back of Josh's head.

"So is this really happening right now?" Aidan grimaces.

"I suppose it is," Josh whispers, squeezing his hand. "And you deserve it."


	8. Easy is Hard to Get

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aidan drifts away into vampire-business. 
> 
> Josh is not pleased. 
> 
> They have a fight.

Obviously, the band was simply thrilled to hear that they now have the chance of not only a proper management to push their musical careers, but also someone who can show them a few new tricks and sources for their vampire sides.

And so _The Fangs_ now happen to have a contract with _Crimson Records_. They already had a few recordings and Bishop assured them that with proper advertisement, they could make it a lot higher in the food chain.

For that reason, their new manager told them to have a bit of an image change. Nothing much, to say it in Bishop's words, "only appealing to a wider audience". A wider audience is thus the fancy term for "more mainstream", at least in Josh's opinion. That means fancier outfits and hairstyles for some of them (Aidan actually didn't have to change much at all, something Josh is very glad for), new instruments, _and_ different lyrics. Bishop thinks people will find other words more appealing… And that again means that Josh is by no means involved into the creation processes of new songs anymore.

In fact, he isn't involved with the band much anymore. Of course Aidan is still a central part in Josh's life, but… well, he is…

Drifting away, maybe?

The werewolf doesn't want to exaggerate here, he really doesn't. He gets it that promotion is important and that means shaking a lot of hands and playing a lot of songs in front of small and big audiences alike. Josh gets that, he does. It's an _industry_ , for God's sake.

But…

If it were only that, really. Josh even had long-distance relationships, well, two to be exact. It worked for as long as it lasted. He can deal with that, he really can. Josh perfected the skill to cherish small moments, live off them.

It's just that he doesn't get much to live off these days. Bishop stood true to his promises – and shows the four vampires new tricks of how to deal with their vampirism, which, to Josh, bears close resemblance to taking the kids to the candy store, give them a hundred dollars, and tell them not to spend it all at once. The werewolf doesn't know what Aidan and the others do exactly to get blood now, he just knows that it changes Aidan in ways that he didn't think were possible – and in all those ways he doesn't like.

"Josh-y, Josh-y-o," the vampire's voice rings out as he opens the door.

For the record, _that_ is what Josh's talking about.

The werewolf turns around as Aidan stumbles inside, giggling to himself as he throws his jacket on the rack – and it actually keeps hanging. The vampire makes the victory-pose.

"I thought you and the guys had a gig tonight," Josh grimaces, trying not to sound annoyed. He doesn't want to be that type of person. Just that he doesn't want Aidan to be… _that_ kind of person.

"We did, but, ugh… we finished early," Aidan shrugs.

"… I actually asked because you are pretty _late_ ," Josh corrects him.

"Oh, yeah, that… ugh, well, Bishop took us out after that… I really missed you, though," Aidan exhales, now standing right in front of Josh to lean in for a kiss, but the werewolf gently (but firmly) pushes him back by the chest, offering a feeble smile, "You are drunk."

"Not just that," Aidan grins.

"What now?" Josh frowns.

"Well, I told you, with the vampire stuff. Bishop took us to the dens tonight," Aidan sighs happily. "It's really a great idea. The people willing to offer blood come there and we can just get it, you know? And it's by no means as messy as it is… the way I used to do it."

"And who organizes that?" Josh asks. Aidan shrugs, "Bishop, seemingly."

"And who pays for the people to come?" Josh goes on to question.

"They… come on their own?" Aidan frowns.

"Do they hand out flyers or what?" Josh snorts. "Because I don't think people just ask around, looking for some vampire to make them high."

"It's probably more like… hearing it through the grapevine or so," Aidan exhales.

"So you don't ask?" the werewolf goes on.

"Don't be a spoilsport, Josh," Aidan grumbles.

"I'm not. I'm just… concerned that this may appear to be something great, though it bears dangers," Josh tells him, trying to keep his voice soothing and kind. He really doesn't want to be that person. He doesn't want to be the spoilsport. He wants Aidan happy, but he also wants him safe. Is that really asked too much?

"I want to know you safe. So naturally, I ask myself if those people aren't… I don't know, drug addicts or so," Josh goes on.

"It's fine. Bishop organizes it. I bet he has an eye on such things," Aidan argues. "Don't worry."

Just that I do, you idiot!

"I still think that this is no good idea, Aidan. You are seemingly taking a lot more blood than you used to," Josh grimaces.

"Yeah, but it's far better. I mean… they got this whole _business_ going. It's so easy, Josh, I never thought it could be so easy," Aidan smiles.

Really, all those years he spent creeping on the ground, always hungry, always torn - what a waste, right?

If only he had learned about that sooner, then he could have spared himself a lot of runs from police and feelings of regret and guilt.

"And that is the problem," Josh says, looking him right in the eye.

"What?" the vampire furrows his eyebrows.

"It shouldn't be easy," the werewolf tells him.

"Why not?" Aidan argues. Really, why shouldn't it be easy? If it's easy, it's easy not to hurt people, not to be a monster. This is not making any sense.

"If everything was easy in life – then we wouldn't have anything worth fighting for anymore," Josh then says.

"That was… lyrical," Aidan snorts.

"That was the truth," Josh argues.

_Why don't you take me seriously? Why don't you ever listen to me? Because you used to. There once was not one opinion, but two. You look at me, but you don't see. You prick your ear, but you don't hear. My voice, you forced it out of your head. Do you even know what I just said?_

"Why can't you just be happy for me? Hmmmm?" Aidan exhales, leaning a little closer. "Coz I'd be happy for you, too, if you found such a good solution to all of your problems."

"It's just that I fear that it's not such a good solution, Aidan," Josh tells him sternly, but still in a gentle voice.

"But you know what's even better about this?" Aidan grins.

"No?" Josh grimaces. Aidan pulls him into a sloppy kiss, then, and breathes, "I get pretty excited."

However, Josh pulls away from him another time.

"C'mon," the vampire sighs. He didn't want to argue tonight. He felt like walking on clouds until he came here. And now he feels like he just crashed to the ground.

Josh always seems so annoyed, but he encouraged him to do it, didn't he?

"No," Josh shakes his head, his voice holding no judgment, though.

"But I want you so bad," Aidan bites his lower lip. He wants and needs, but Josh keeps pulling away from him. And after the blood, Aidan just wants to be with him so bad, in bed, everywhere. He wants everything, to the point of crazy.

It's just that the werewolf, ever since Aidan started to work with Bishop, is drawing away from him. And that when Aidan needs him, needs him so badly.

He wants him, wants him now, why can't he just have him? He can have everything else and…

"You keep that feeling in mind," Josh winks at him.

"Huh?" the vampire frowns.

"Some things have to be hard to get, or else I'll be just as much as easy prey as the new blood deposits," Josh tells him.

"Josh, no, you are different," Aidan assures him quickly.

"Exactly, I'm different. And that is why I will go home now. And you will sleep off your… hangover, whatever," Josh shrugs. "I cleaned up your apartment a bit. If Bishop lives up to what he said – he'll have this home-story thing going on soon. So I said to myself it'd be better not to have it look like crap."

"You cleaned up my apartment the whole day?" Aidan looks at him, now starting to feel really, really bad. Sobering up at an instant gives him headaches.

"No, that took me about an hour, which still means that you are the King of Trash – you know how fast I usually get a place clean. So anyway, I'm glad you're… safe," Josh tells him, gathering his jacket. "I will see you tomorrow, alright?"

"Do you hate me now?" Aidan exhales, looking like a puppy lost in the rain. Josh gives him a quick kiss, "I'm not mad at you. I am just concerned, okay?"

"Then stay," Aidan begs him.

"I gotta go, and you know why," Josh smiles at him with a pang of sadness in his voice. "So goodnight."

"Night," Aidan mutters. Josh claps him on the shoulder one last time before he is out the door.

And only once he is walking down the stairs does he realize that his cheeks are wet.

_I don't need you brave. I just want to keep you safe. Why don't you get it? That I just commit? To you, to this, to our life. To me it seems that, for this, only I still strive._

Aidan looks at the closed door for a moment, then the tidy apartment. He runs a hand over his face before just plopping down on the bed. The vampire closes his eyes, taking in the familiar scent, the scent Josh left on it. He is reminded of last Friday, when they just slept in and just held each other close, stealing time.

He inhales another time, and suddenly, the white sheets morph into silken tents. In the den. Blood. Women and men alike, mewling, moaning, craving more. Music buzzing. Henry giggling as he has fun under his own little tent. Bishop's smile as he watches on.

The vampire shudders, burying his head in the pillow.

Maybe easy is not as easy after all.


	9. Drifting Away, Drifting Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh gets himself a new job. 
> 
> Things get more and more complicated.

Josh still didn't get used to Aidan's new (Bishop-provided) loft, to be honest. While it's nice for a change that it's clean and spacious, the werewolf feels lost in it most of the time. Especially because he spends a great deal of time here… alone, apparently.

 _The Fangs_ are now even in magazines, if not the real famous ones yet, they have a website and time and time again, screaming girls running up to them to ask for autographs.

Josh has to give the manager credit for how he arranges everything around the vampires. They can't have their pictures taken, because you wouldn't see them, so Bishop hired an artist to draw graphic novel-like versions of the band as a cover. The same drawings are used for magazine articles and the home-story on Aidan. It looked really cool, with the fade-out. There were the photos of the apartment, but then it faded into comic style where Aidan would have been seated. You can say about him what you want – but Bishop gets really creative when it comes to these things.

Aidan insists that Josh comes over to the loft more often these days – to use the moment, as he says, but honestly? The werewolf secretly seeks the old. And while he tries to look forward to these things, tries to enjoy them, he feels lost in space (even though it's just this loft).

So now, he is sitting at the dinner table (a _huge_ dinner table), eating the breakfast he's prepared, while Aidan is skimming through the latest lyrics Bishop wants to record. Josh honestly finds it nice that Aidan started to insist to sit with him, even though he doesn't eat. It feels a bit like family dinner. It's during these moments that he feels closer to Aidan again.

If only this lasted forever.

"Aidan?" he speaks up eventually.

"Hm?" the vampire hums, his eyes still fixed on the lyrics.

"I wanted to tell you something," Josh goes on.

"Okay, sure, go ahead," Aidan replies, putting the papers down.

"I got a new job," Josh admits.

"Oh? You finally decided to leave that hell?" Aidan asks. To be honest, he was irritated that Josh never thought about getting another job, though he definitely has high enough qualifications and skills to earn himself a better job. While the job at the restaurant, back when Josh came to Boston after the first turn, was seemingly a desperate measurement to get money, Aidan was confused that Josh never sought another. Even though Josh had well settled in Boston before he got to know him.

Perhaps a kind of self-punishment in a way. Josh is really good at that.

"Yeah," Josh smiles uncertainly.

"And where will you be working at from now on?" the vampire asks.

"The hospital, as an orderly," the other man informs him. Aidan looks at him, blinking a few times, "What?"

"To get some practice. I… I'll try out for med school again for the upcoming semester, if everything pans out," Josh says, averting his eyes.

"Really? That's amazing!" Aidan gapes, his eyes flashing with energy. The werewolf looks at him, biting his lower lip, "You think?"

"What? Yes, of course! I am so proud of you," Aidan assures him, flashing a broad smile.

"Thank you. I already feared you'd, ugh, I don't know… not like it," Josh puckers his lips, averting his eyes.

"Why would I?" the vampire blinks at him.

"Well, I wanted to tell you sooner, about the application already… I thought you'd be mad at me or something. I didn't keep it from you. It's just that you were so busy lately that I didn't wanna, like, bother you with it," Josh exhales.

"I wouldn't have been bothered, but I'm not mad at you either. I know I've been… aloof, lately," Aidan grimaces.

"Yeah," Josh mutters, his voice no more than a whisper.

"I'm really, really proud of you, Josh. You reach out for your dream again," Aidan muses. "You see? We'll both be living our dreams. Isn't that great?"

"Right, yeah," Josh nods.

_Just that my dreams have changed. And from yours seem so estranged. No old ones, but new. And they are all about just one thing: You._

"This might be our time, Josh, you'll see."

 _Ours_ , is it really? Or just yours and mine?

* * *

Aidan and Josh are on the phone. The vampire is over at his loft after yet another concert night. The werewolf is in the locker rooms at the hospital, sitting on the bench in front of his locker, clutching his cellphone nervously.

It's been really tough for them to adjust to the new situation. They _actually_ have to make more phone calls lately, or worse, leave texts. Because both hate that, but… well, if you don't see the other person otherwise, what else are you supposed to do, right?

"… Will you be there for the gig tonight?" Aidan asks.

"I've got shift," Josh replies.

"Can't you trade places with someone? We'll be performing this new song. And I wanted you to hear it," Aidan bargains.

Josh shows up less and less frequently, and that even before he started to work at the hospital. As though their music was suddenly no longer good enough for him.

And honestly? Aidan starts to get the feeling that the new job at the hospital and the long shifts are actually a convenient excuse, too.

"And I would love to, but I really have to work," Josh exhales, one hand clutching the fabric of his trousers tightly.

"I need you there. This is the first big concert we're gonna give," Aidan begs.

He wants his friend to support him on that one particular night – is that asked too much? He helped Josh out, too. He supported him, too.

_Where are you when I need you? I can't seem to reach you. I can't get through. No matter what I do._

"You know that I gotta trade places already in four days – coz of the full moon. If I do it too often, people might grow suspicious, or stop trading with me… when I _really_ need it. I have to be careful," Josh replies apologetically. "Especially in the beginning. I'm still new here."

"I didn't see you in over a week," Aidan then says. Josh bites his lower lip, "I know, it's been busy here. I'm sorry."

"Honestly? This is starting to piss me off," the vampire grunts.

"It just takes a bit more time. We just gotta… adjust. You are busy, I'm busy… we still have to find a middle way," Josh argues.

"Maybe I don't want to adjust, you know?" Aidan then says, making Josh frown, "What do you mean to say?"

"I got the feeling that you don't even wanna be around me anymore," Aidan goes on.

Whoa, he didn't mean to say that out loud. He _really_ didn't. Aidan definitely didn't want to address that via _phone_.

"That couldn't be further from the truth, you hear me?" Josh insists.

"Then skip work," the raven argues.

"Aidan," Josh exhales, but the vampire interrupts him, "What? This is something very important to me. I also skipped a gig a few weeks back to help you out."

"I know, and I am still very, very thankful for it. Believe me, but… but those are different things," Josh argues. There is a difference between going to a concert and rushing to the hospital to drop someone off so he doesn't end up killing people – because the nurses insist on giving Josh the shit-jobs and wouldn't let him go no matter what he said or did.

"Maybe they aren't, though, or shouldn't be," the vampire goes on.

Again, where does that come from?

Or rather, how does it come out now?

"What do you mean?" Josh asks, his voice slightly shaking.

"You said yourself we have to try our best to make our curses normal. I'm trying to be normal, having my partner over at a gig and all that. I make space for that, but you don't seem to like it that I found a kind of normal," Aidan explains.

"I'm sorry if that is how you feel," Josh brings out.

"What?" the vampire grimaces.

"I wish you the most normal life in the world, Aidan. I always will. If I gave you any other impression, then I'm sorry," Josh replies. "But let me ask you this one thing: Do you really think this is normal?"

"Not that again," Aidan grunts. "Look, I just think that maybe vampire-normal is the best I can get. It's hard to live with that curse anyways."

"Yeah, I know that feeling very well," Josh huffs.

"Well, at some point I think you don't understand," Aidan argues. And really, he never meant to say that out loud. _Never_. "You are a werewolf – your curse is different from mine. So how would you ever really, really understand what it means to me? What fights I have to fight?"

_Why do the words just keep tumbling out? Crashing to the ground?_

"… Okay," is the only reply Josh rewards him with.

" _Okay_? Okay is all you say? I just accused you, Josh!" Aidan can't help but cry out.

"Do you _want_ to fight or what's the matter?" Josh retorts. "Because I don't want to be angry with you or have you angry with me. I don't want us to yell at each other. I know that being a vampire demands a lot and that it is something I never experienced in such a way, but… but… no, it doesn't matter. You are probably right. Forget it," Josh says, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"I don't want our relationship to be like that," Aidan exhales.

He doesn't want it to be fight all the time.

He wants peace and love.

Is that asked too much, really?

"I don't want it either… Look, I'm sorry that I can't come," Josh apologizes. "Just believe me when I say that I normally would have come. But just like you, I'm trying to find my way back to a kind of normal. I simply need a bit more time to figure it out."

"Will I see you tomorrow at least?" Aidan asks.

"I hope, I don't know, I'll try," Josh grimaces.

"Yeah? Coz that's what I'm no longer sure about," Aidan mutters. Josh clutches the cloth in his hand even tighter.

_Sometimes it feels like I am the only one trying here. Sometimes, I feel like you, my dear, already gave up long ago. And just never told me so._

"I'm sorry, Aidan. Have a great night nevertheless," Josh sighs.

"That's over now anyways," Aidan grunts dismissively.

"I'm sorry. Bye," Josh replies meekly.

"Bye," the vampire grunts before hanging up.

Josh stands up from the bench to put the cellphone back into the locker, glancing at the CD paper-cover he took out of the copies Bishop gave to them. He hung up in there to have a memorabilia of his partner.

He shuts the door with the thud to slam his fist against the metal.

_Soothe me, oh sweetest pain. Hurt me, bitter disdain. Let me faint, leave me bleeding, let me go on pleading, it's all I know, all I can, be it just a wall I taint in blood and tears, in my own fears. That is my curse, that is my ban._


	10. I'll Make It Up to You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aidan screws up. 
> 
> Aidan wants to make it up to Josh. 
> 
> The two reconcile.

Aidan walks down the hallway leading to his loft. While he is glad for the higher frequency of gigs and bigger audiences, it starts to wear him down.

In fact, his entire life seems so much faster these days. And at some point he starts to fear that he will drown in the current.

Especially since his constant, Josh, is drifting away from him, too. It is not just about the fact that they can't see each other as often as they did in the beginning. It's rather about how they act around each other when they are together indeed. It's small things, really, but to Aidan, they are ever the greater the more he thinks about them.

Back when they were just recently together, they went to sleep lying in each other's arms, and that is how they woke up, too. These days, they go to sleep and wake up with their backs to each other.

While Aidan always thought that Josh didn't hold judgment, he gets the feeling that the werewolf starts to judge him, especially about the vampire-business he is now part of thanks to Bishop. He constantly feels the werewolf's eyes on him, observing him, controlling him.

When Aidan wants to kiss him, Josh draws away.

Every touch seems to come with a distance.

There is tension in the room no matter how normal the situation may be.

The vampire reaches the door and opens, frowning at the fact that the lights are on… and there is the faint fragrance of burnt candles lying in the air.

Josh is here?

"Hello?" he asks cautiously as he rounds the corner, to see his partner picking up some things from the table. Aidan gulps. Candles, a DVD resting on the side of the TV table…

"Oh crap… we had a date, didn't we?" he blurts out.

"No, we didn't. We had one scheduled, but we didn't actually have that date, since you come only just now," Josh can't help but reply with a bit of venom in his voice.

"I am so sorry. But after the gig the guys…," Aidan means to say, but the other man interrupts him, holding up his hands, "Aidan, just stop, okay? It's alright that you can't make it. I am not the type of guy who cries into his pillow over a forgotten date, but could you have at least the decency to call or leave a text next time? Then I would've gone home by now, to get some sleep. I have early shift tomorrow, or rather, today. And while I would have spent my time with you with pleasure, spending the night waiting for you sucks. Now I am just tired and worn out and I will walk around like a zombie throughout the shift… so now, I just wanna go home."

"I am so sorry," Aidan apologizes. He really is. He normally always remembers these things, especially now that both have to make any effort for this relationship to work. They agreed on dating more regularly – to have something to look forward to, and to have something to stick to, but he just managed to screw it up.

He should have stayed away from the den, for once…

"Don't be," Josh shakes his head.

"I'll make it up to you, I promise," Aidan tells him.

"You don't have to," the other man argues.

"I will," Aidan insists. Josh kisses him on the cheek, "I'll call you."

Josh makes his way over to the door, so Aidan calls after him, "I'll make it up to you! I swear!"

"I know, goodnight," Josh tells him.

"Night," Aidan mutters as his partner disappears. He looks around the room. How could he forget that?

Maybe he shouldn't have gone to the den with the others after all.

The vampire walks up to the three candles set on the couch table and blows them out.

 _You lit a fire. I doused the flame. I know it's me to blame. No matter how much I admire, this small candlelight. I will light it up again, no matter what, and it'll shine so bright that everything's gonna be alright_.

* * *

Aidan stood true to his promise and asked Josh the very next day to have a date. While the werewolf couldn't make it right away because of work, he agreed to go on the weekend. So Aidan reserved a table in a fancy restaurant. Josh told him that he really didn't have to again and again, but the vampire knows that he really has to.

He pondered on how they don't spend time together, so he has to stand up to the game, too.

And honestly? It's really nice. They chat, they bicker about the food, which is, in both their opinion, not really worth the money, they talk about how their week has been, all those things that became rarer and rarer these last days.

After the waiter takes away their plates, Aidan slides a small box with a green bow on top over the table, "Here, this is for you."

"I already told you that you don't have to give me anything to make this up to me," Josh argues, starting to feel really uncomfortable.

_You are enough for me. You are everything I need. Everything I want. It's just a pointless deed. To give me anything that isn't you. Because you are all I see and need._

"But I wanted to. So, open it," Aidan insists.

"Aidan," Josh exhales. "I really mean it – you don't have to make this up to me by buying me stuff. I already forgave you as I was out the door. If there is even something to forgive in the first place. Because it was really _just_ forgetting about a date."

"Don't make me kick you underneath the table. I got you the present, and I won't bring it back unless you hate it," Aidan warns him. "So now, open it."

Josh exhales, but then opens the small present anyway, letting out a gasp once he sees what's inside, though, "Oh my God."

"Do you like it?" Aidan asks hopefully.

"That must have been way too expensive," Josh blinks at him. Aidan leans a little closer with a smug grin tugging at his lips, "Nothing is, for you."

"You know that I hate it when you say these stupid movie-like lines," Josh huffs, pushing him away playfully.

"I mean it, though. So do you like it?" the vampire asks.

"Yes," Josh says, giving Aidan a quick kiss. "But next time… just be there on time."

"Yeah, yeah," Aidan chuckles.

"I mean that. Because you are way more worth to me than this could ever be," Josh insists. He appreciates it that Aidan gets him something like this, but to him, material things are really not that important. He just wants to have Aidan with him.

"Does that mean we'll have sex again?" Aidan whispers with a playful grin.

"… You suck at romantic moments," Josh grunts.

"You said 'suck' to a horny man," Aidan chuckles.

"Oh my God," Josh exclaims, throwing his head back.

"C'mon, I wanna get out of here," Aidan urges him.

"Nah, I don't know, the restaurant is kinda nice," Josh teases.

"Josh!" the other man pouts. So the werewolf holds up his hands reassuringly, "Okay, okay. But you pay."

"I already did when I took a loo," Aidan grins.

"Classy," Josh huffs.

"Let's get out of here. I need you now," Aidan growls in a low voice, taking Josh by the arm. The two get their coats and make their way to Aidan's apartment.

They need a bit of home.

* * *

And so the two soon stumble onto the bed, the shirts already on the ground.

"Put it on," Aidan growls against his partner's teeth, not wanting to break the kiss completely.

"I thought you needed me, right now, preferably right on the floor," Josh chuckles.

"And I do, but I want you to wear it," the vampire breathes.

"Fine, fine…," Josh exhales, reaching over to the nightstand where the box lies on top. He opens it with one hand and takes out the necklace Aidan got for him – a golden necklace with a small watch as a pendant which shoes the moon phases. The werewolf puts it on, smirking at his partner, "Okay, like that?"

"I love it," Aidan smiles, tracing the outline of the necklace on his partner's collarbone. "See? It looks like this was missing all along."

_A piece of me. It's now on you, hopefully for all eternity._

Aidan kisses him greedily.

"I'm sorry," he breathes against the other man's neck.

"I forgive you," Josh breathes. Aidan looks at him, "I love you."

"I love you, too," the werewolf replies, pulling the vampire closer to himself.

 _Hold me. Don't let me go. Free my undying soul_.


	11. The Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aidan goes on a gig. 
> 
> Josh can't join because of medschool. 
> 
> Aidan is not pleased. 
> 
> Josh gives Aidan a letter. 
> 
> Aidan's credit is still crap.

Things have been improving since their fight (and the _great_ make-up they had thereafter), but still it isn't the same it used to be in the beginning. Bishop keeps Aidan very busy with giving interviews and the like. In general, the manager is quite obsessive lately.

Not to mention the band. They are out of their heads ever since the adventure of becoming more popular started. Especially Henry enjoys his new status as a small rock star and is ever the more convinced that this means all women shall be his and his alone. Gabriel and Jake are pretty much the same, though they take much more pleasure in the dens than in the fame and arms of willing women.

The other thing is that there are increasingly more disagreements among them. Aidan pointed out a few times that he is not too happy with the new lyrics Bishop provides, which only gets him scolds and curses from his fellows. They always tell him that he's being a hypocrite and should better shut up. They fear that if Aidan talks to Bishop about the matter, it will backfire on them – and no one wants this chance to go to waste.

However, what's really worse is that Aidan gets sweaty palms and fidgety each day he doesn't visit the den. Josh already asked him a few times if he is sick or something, though Aidan mostly brushes it off with some sarcastic comment. He needs the blood more than desperately these days. He needs it to the point that he goes crazy, lying next to Josh after a date – because it means he can't go to the dens. And while he cherishes having his partner close, he needs the blood, a lot. However, if he takes blood, Josh knows it and has that look in his eyes that makes Aidan want to hide.

"… Med school starts next week," Josh's voice echoes in his head, bringing the raven back to the present situation of them sitting at the table. While Aidan couldn't care less, Josh insisted to go over his papers and finances, which basically means that Josh orders everything and Aidan just sits by and looks pretty.

"Huh?" the vampire blinks at the other man, who repeats, "Med school,.. I told you that I'll try out again."

"Oh yeah, that… right, yeah, good for you," Aidan blurts out. Josh looks at him, honestly irritated. Did Aidan forget about that?

"That means I won't be able to come along on the tour," Josh goes on.

"What? No, you gotta. C'mon! We wanted to go together," Aidan breaks out. He will be away for about a month, to play in a few clubs and music halls around Boston – so he told Josh that he should come along.

" _You_ wanted us to go together," Josh mutters. The vampire grimaces, "What was that?"

"Nothing," Josh tells him quickly. Aidan told him that he can come with him, _no bother_. Just that Josh had already informed the vampire two weeks before that the semester would soon start and that he'd be very busy. He told him explicitly that he couldn't skip classes and that he had to make sure to do his best especially in the beginning. He told him.

_Why do you always forget? Don't you see that it makes me upset?_

"Can't you take off a few days?" Aidan bargains. The werewolf has to try really hard not to moan – they had that conversation already, if in a slightly different way.

If Josh didn't know better, he'd be concerned about Aidan's mental state, but he knows where that forgetfulness comes from – and Bishop has his name written all over it, with blood.

"No, no I can't. Aidan, I try out as a doctor. I won't ever miss a lecture – unless I really can't help but miss it, I told you," Josh tries to reason with the other man.

"Well, this is important to me. Or don't I matter to you?" Aidan argues.

"You know that you do, but I have to get my life straight the same way," Josh insists. "You said you can't get more than vampire-normal. Well, I try to find out what's werewolf-normal, then."

"… Sure," Aidan exhales.

"It won't be long anyways. You said yourself, just three weeks," Josh tells him. To his own surprise, he uses a soothing tone on the other man. Shouldn't he be mad at him instead? Josh just doesn't know. With Aidan, he is torn in two lately. He loves the man to the point of crazy and cares for him so much that his stomach revolts out of sheer worry. Yet, he also wants to yell at him to just stop and kick him for the stupid behavior lately.

Just like Josh wanted to kick Aidan in the crotch for the stupid idea of taking him with him to the dens. Aidan was very needy and very giddy after yet another night-out in the dens, and when Josh told him that spooning would be all he'd get tonight, the vampire just blurted out with this suggestion. At first Josh had laughed, but then he realized that Aidan really meant it. The werewolf told him that he wouldn't watch him sucking some willing blood donor to have some very sick kind of threesome. Aidan actually kept arguing, though, that it could be some kind of "new experience" and that he always needs Josh so desperately right after a fix of blood and misses him so very much. Josh kindly, yet resolutely, told him to never ask him for such a thing again – because it wouldn't happen. Ever. Josh is willing to move out of his comfort zone for Aidan, he is, and he would do many things for him, but there are just things he won't do. He will not support Aidan on something that he still thinks is poison to him.

And he will most definitely not lower himself to such a level.

He is not one of the blood donors.

And won't ever be.

"Just three weeks," Aidan exhales the words like smoke.

"Look, I know this means a lot to you, but med school means a lot to me, too. This is not about us, it's about our jobs," Josh argues in a soft tone once more.

And why is he apologizing again?

Right, because he loves that man to the point of crazy – and beyond, let's be honest.

Josh slides an envelope over the table, then, making the vampire frown, "What is that?"

"An envelope," the werewolf grins.

"Ha-ha," Aidan rolls his eyes. "Let's see what's inside, then."

"No, no, you are supposed to keep it with you, _sealed_ ," Josh explains. "To take it with you on the tour."

"… Okay," Aidan furrows his eyebrows.

"When you really think like missing me – you get to open it," Josh goes on, flashing this sweet smile that always makes Aidan go weak for a moment.

"What tells you that I don't just read it right away?" the vampire teases.

"I ask you nicely for it?" Josh shrugs.

_A bit of hope, that's all I need. That is all for which I plead. All that I am begging for, even when my knees get sore._

Josh doesn't want to argue anymore.

Maybe that letter can help fix a few things.

Words are his only weapon after all.

" _Nicely_ , you say?" Aidan grins at him with a dirty look.

"Very nicely, with chocolate sprinkles on top," Josh chuckles.

"Okay, fine, let's do it like that," Aidan sighs.

"Back to the finances another time, though – this is plain crap," Josh then says. Aidan lets his head fall on the table, "Let's not do it like that."

Josh chuckles to himself as he goes through the next folder, "I'm just making sure that you don't ruin your finances, Aidan."

_I won't let you lie in ruins, no matter what. You are my castle and my endless garden. I beg your pardon, but you are everything I got. So I will hold you tight and try to keep you upright._


	12. Losing Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the gig, Aidan loses control. 
> 
> He reads Josh's letter.

What Aidan always hated about his vampire curse is the loss of control. He is usually a composed man who knows what he wants, but once cravings take over… they really take over. He loses control, over his senses, himself, the situation.

People clap their hands and yell his name.

Oh, right, he is giving a concert.

Oh, right, he is some kind of small rock star now.

"Thank you, Ladies and Gentlemen," he says automatically. Aidan's eyes search the crowd for a face he knows he won't see there, but he always looks, _always_.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the band as well as we want to thank you for listening to tonight's performance. You can find CDs and T-shirts over at the small stand we prepared for you. Thank you very much," Bishop adds. Aidan didn't even realize that the older man got onstage. "The band is always glad to give autographs. Just always remember, no pictures, please."

Josh would probably laugh at the fact that Bishop hired a security guard who takes people's phones away. After all, they would film just empty space if they recorded the band.

"I would actually like to head back to the hotel," Aidan tells Bishop. He wants to call Josh little quick, ask him how he is, and then grab some sleep. However, the manager turns to him with a dark grimace, "Aidan, I hate to remind you, but we have it in the contract like that. That means you will put on your smiley face and give as many autographs as are asked for."

"Yeah, yeah," the vampire exhales.

So much to that.

Soon, a bunch of young women form a small mob around the stage and wiggle their papers, CDs, and shirts at them.

"So, for who is that autograph?" Aidan asks automatically, his smile perfectly in place. He practiced it long enough after all.

He misses honest smiles.

"Mariah," the young brunet with pony tail and fan shirt beams at him over both ears.

"Mariah, a lovely name," Aidan nods, scribbling on the card.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" she asks. The vampire blinks for a moment. He wasn't asked such a question in a while.

"No, I actually got a…," Aidan means to say, but that is when suddenly Bishop takes the autograph from him to give to the fan, "He is actually single."

Aidan stares at the other man.

"Really?" Mariah smiles excitedly.

"Of course," Bishop smiles. With that the brunette disappears, probably imagining herself in Aidan's arms already. The younger vampire pulls on Bishop's hem, "What was that?"

"Do you seriously believe that it'd be a good thing to say in public?" Bishop whispers. "You as a single is a way better image to sell. It leaves people under the impression that you are available, you see?"

"Well, I'm apparently not," Aidan argues.

"Aidan, this is about image. We want the girls to imagine that you sing these lines only just for them. If we told them that you don't just have a girl by your side, but actually a man, what do you think will be the result?" Bishop argues.

"Do you seriously ask me to deny my relationship?" Aidan questions. "Or my sexuality?"

"No," Bishop chides. "I ask you to do what is written in the contract."

"And what condition says that I have to deny Josh?" the younger vampire retorts.

"Where it says that all image-choices are up to the manager. If I say you have to be a single ladies' man onstage, then that is what you are. What you are offstage is up to you. But for as long as you stand in the spotlight, you will be one charming bachelor, singing about lost love and finding and winning a new girlfriend," Bishop goes on. He then straightens back up and calls out to the audience, "Who wants to be next?"

Ten girls raise their hands with a shriek.

Aidan tries not to roll his eyes. Because suddenly he hears Josh mockingly calling out to him in the back of his head, "Told you so."

* * *

"Tonight was amazing," Jake muses. "I bet we made over a thousand dollars. With one gig!"

"Not to mention the fans," Henry smiles happily. "It's a pity we can't take all of them to the den. Though I gotta say… if it were so, I'd never leave the den again and just suck them dry and fuck them senseless."

"Could you please stop talking about them like that?" Aidan exhales, massaging his temple with his free hand.

"What?" Henry huffs. "As if you didn't drink them. Get that stick back out of your ass, Aidan."

"What did you say?" Aidan growls.

"Guys, leave it alone, I'm too happy to listen to you arguing again," Gabriel grumbles.

"No, I'm honestly fed up with him moping, ' _Oh, I don't wanna do blood, my boyfriend-puppy won't look at me again. And then I'll start to cry and go on moping even more. Boo-hoo'_ , or ' _My sweetheart surely judges me for it, and damn these puppy eyes'_. Tell you what, Aidan, no one forces you to take blood. And most definitely no one cares about the hypocrite you call your sweetheart. And I'm fed up being forced to guilt-trip with you – because I am not at fault for your relationship to suck lately," Henry retorts. Aidan gets up from his seat with a feral growl on his lips, "Say that again."

"Aidan, you don't get to threaten me, alright? I will fight you, you know that. We've had it all before," Henry hisses, flashing his black eyes once.

"Guys, knock it off!" Jake curses, getting between the two.

"You used to be fun before all this started, Aidan," Henry goes on nevertheless. "Remember when we were just the two of us? You got the girls, I compelled them, and then we feasted. What happened to the guy who was game for anything? Huh?"

"Please, we ended up in prison coz it didn't work out," Aidan retorts.

"Guys! No one cares for you two arguing. If you wanna do it, do it outside," Gabriel grunts.

"Fine with me!" Henry curses.

"More than fine with me!" Aidan agrees.

"But not fine with me!" Bishop's voice rings out as the older man makes his way into the room. "I don't care for who's started, but I end it. Right now. Whatever personal arguments you have, you'll solve them verbally. Because bruised faces don't sell."

"I need some fresh air," Aidan grumbles. He wants to move past the manager, but he holds him back by the shoulder, "You will stay right where you are."

"But…," Aidan means to say, but the older vampire won't let him, "We all will now go to the after-show party I helped organize. You will please the producers and charm the fans. You can get some fresh air later, I don't care. Remember the contract."

Aidan lets his head sink low, but then follows as all make their way to the party.

The party is simply a rush, though. The lights dance above his head in all colors of the spectrum. Bishop makes him sit in a lounge chair with a bunch of fans who ask him questions Aidan answers with the replies Bishop told him to give.

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

"Hopefully soon. And maybe she's just in that room, who knows?"

"Are you going to play bigger concerts?"

"That is definitely our plan. You should visit our website."

"Why can't we have our pictures taken with you?"

"Photos wouldn't manage to capture your beauty anyway."

And each time it comes out a little easier, as do the drinks he downs. The first burn, the ones that follow are just like water.

The music spins his head the wrong direction, colors begin to blur, the buzzing beat of the background music drills holes into Aidan's brain to let all thoughts seep out.

The vampire closes his eyes once, twice, thrice, and suddenly… he sees only white and hears humming music in his ears. Aidan looks around… he's in one of Bishop's provisional dens. How did _that_ happen? He can't remember walking or driving there. He can't remember anything much other than arguing with Henry and talking to the fans… And where are the fans now?

Suddenly he smells crimson in the air like a thick fog, making him dizzy. His eyes focus to something moving to his right. A girl with unruly dark-blonde hair, green eyes, full lips, and her arm cut open, oozing blood lazily, is next to him.

"Now look who's finally decided to become active," Jake chuckles, blood smeared over his face as he takes another suck of the woman who is offering her arm to him. Aidan looks around, still dazed, his vision more and more clouded by vampire urges meaning to turn his eyes black and with it his mind.

"Hey there, sweetheart, I'm waiting," the blonde woman tells him, nodding at her arm.

"I…," Aidan stammers.

"Wait, let me help," suddenly another female voice rings out. Apparently, two are with him on the square-shaped bed. She has curly orange-red hair, piercings in her nose and lip, and a tattoo of a wolf howling to the moon on her shoulder.

A wolf… wasn't there something?

The ginger takes the other woman's arm and holds it over Aidan's head so that a few droplets fall on his face. His eyes turn black before he can even think about it.

"Just lean back and relax."

Is that Bishop's voice? He can't tell.

Aidan looks around perplex. The manager just sits there and watches. However, before Aidan gets time to think this through, his nose overtakes his senses.

He loses control.

"Isn't that much better?" the blonde woman moans as Aidan starts to suck her blood.

In the end, Aidan finds himself sandwiched between the two women, both now high on his vampire venom, and he high on their sweet little venom, too. Blood is smeared over his mouth and his fangs still stand out, though he stopped drinking them a while ago.

For some reason, he just starts laughing. And he can't seem to stop. Aidan holds his head. He feels dizzy, and he knows he shouldn't feel like laughing, but he does.

"I see you're enjoying yourself alright?" the blonde woman smiles.

"You're good company," Aidan almost giggles now.

Why can't he stop laughing?!

The ginger grasps him by the shoulder to make the vampire look at her, "Is it okay if I kiss you?"

"I guess," he hums, not really paying attention to what she says. He only hears the blood in his ears, rushing, running, tickling his senses.

He doesn't actually realize the kiss as a kiss because the girl takes a bit of her own blood into her mouth before attacking his lips and he just _has_ to get that last droplet, too.

"Aw, I want, too," the other girls mewls, drawing closer. The girl leans in for a kiss as well, after sucking some of her own blood the same way the ginger did, and Aidan returns it, taking her blood, tasting her tongue.

_There is a fire in me and it keeps burning. Deeper. Deeper. Deeper. I am ablaze inside the maze of hell's fire and dark desire._

"Look who's back in the game!" he can hear Henry cheering him on from the other bed as he plays around with the two girls he is toying with.

Aidan looks around, his laughter dying out.

Did he just…

"Now don't interrupt him," Gabriel huffs.

"I'm sorry, I never should've…," Aidan mumbles, pulling away from the two girls. Suddenly, Bishop stands next to him, "Aidan, you're a rock star now. So don't bother. You can do and take whatever you want, whenever you want."

"I'm sorry, I… I have to go," Aidan mutters. He gets up, his knees still shaking, and gathers his clothes in a rush. From the corner of the eye he can see the wolf tattoo staring at him.

"No, please, stay," the blonde woman begs. She extends her arm to grab him, but Aidan rebuffs her, "Leave me alone!"

"Let him go," Bishop tells her.

"Hey, I still got space here," Henry yells at the girls, who will probably take the offer the minute the raven vampire is out the door.

Aidan runs outside as fast as he can. The blood rush is suddenly gone, washed from his system, replaced by his own breathing as he runs, runs as fast as his feet take him. He did this. He did. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

The vampire only stops once he finds himself in front of small port. Aidan finds a metal pole to sit on, his entire body moving with every breath he forces out of his lungs.

Why did he do that?!

"When you really think like missing me – you get to open it."

Aidan fumbles for the envelope in his chest pocket he kept there as Josh had suggested. He opens it with shaking hands. There is a letter inside. Aidan runs his palm over his cheek, reading it:

_I write these lines to you_

_And only you_

_It's something I don't often do_

_Out of fear that people misunderstand_

_Or even worse, laugh,_

_Take of my heart the other half_

_Draw away the hand_

_But for you I fight that fear_

_For you, and only you, my dear_

_I do what I fear I can't_

_My mind, it's full of images_

_Of you and I_

_Scrimmages_

_Of memories_

_Good and bad alike_

_I love them all_

_They are my life_

_And while I can't feel you now,_

_I ask myself just this: How?_

_How do I deserve you?_

_How do I miss you?_

_And selfishly, I hope you miss me, too_

_Just always remember_

_You are never alone_

_My thoughts are with you_

_And with them my travelling soul_

_I can't hold you tight_

_Can't kiss you goodnight_

_But still, I follow_

_You made me feel less hollow_

_Where once were shards_

_You make a whole_

_You are my life_

_You are my soul_

_I miss you_

_And wait for your return_

_For you, my dear, I yearn_

_In this life_

_And hopefully the next_

_Hopefully forever yours_

_Oh God, I wrote that corny text!_

The tears just come and won't stop, no matter how much the vampire tries to gain control.

Aidan is here, the girls' kisses still dying on his lips, when he could have and should have buried himself in that feeling, that man's thoughts.

He writes goddamn _poetry_ for him.

And he just fucked it up.

He lost it.

All of it.

He lost control over his life.

Just how can he get it back?


	13. In Shards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aidan returns. 
> 
> Aidan and Josh fight. 
> 
> Their little world shatters.

"Hey," Aidan says as he makes his way into the loft after the tour is finally over. He plops down his duffel bag, looking for the werewolf, whom he finds standing in the living room. Aidan studies the other man, trying to anticipate his reactions, but Josh's expression is so blank that he can't tell what is going through his partner's head at all.

_Where once was glass for me to see through is now a mirror-wall. I can't see you, you disappeared, and truth became what I always feared: No matter how loud I call, I cannot seem to reach your soul._

Josh says nothing, just looks at him. Aidan licks his lips nervously. While he oftentimes fails to read Josh, that man always seems to see right through himwhen it comes to the 'important things'. Did he become that transparent? That... obvious?

"Don't I get a proper greeting?" Aidan asks with fake enthusiasm.

Josh says nothing - again.

"I'm sorry that I'm a bit late, but the traffic was just awful," Aidan apologizes.

Of course he still has to apologize for the one thing he tries to maneuver around with the smiley faces, but… maybe having Josh in a lighter mood will help him?

Aidan just doesn't know where to start, when in fact he still asks himself how he ever ended up in this spot in the first place.

"I don't care that you are late. I told you time and time again: I am not the silent housewife who waits by the window for her husband to return… but… I don't wanna argue here," Josh tells him, letting out a sigh before he goes on, "I'm glad you are safe. And I should be heading home."

"This _is_ home," Aidan frowns.

"This is _your_ apartment," the other man corrects him.

" _Ours_. You and I live here together, too, remember?" the vampire argues.

"But I don't pay the rent, _remember_?" Josh huffs.

"C'mon, stay. I missed you," Aidan begs.

"I should just go home," the werewolf shakes his head.

"What? No. I didn't see you in about a month," the vampire argues.

I have to talk to you.

I just need a moment.

Please.

Josh steps closer a little bit, narrowing his eyes at him. Aidan can feel the brown orbs piercing right through his chest.

"You are high on blood. I told you time and time again not to come to me like that," Josh hisses. "And don't even try to deny it. I smell it, thanks to the full moon being close. And you got it on your shirt, too. So let's drop the act."

The vampire looks down. He really has a few drops of blood on the shirt, well damn.

"I am not… _high_ on blood. I had just a little before I got here," Aidan argues.

He just gave himself liquid courage – to talk to Josh about what happened.

Which proves to be a very bad idea now.

But since he is seemingly making bad decisions all the while... who bothers about a few stains, right?

"So what? How many blood donors is 'a little'?" Josh hisses. "How much is 'a little high on blood'?"

"Seriously? That's what it's about again?" Aidan can't help but groan.

"Bishop is no good influence on you," the werewolf goes on.

"You keep saying that, but he's helping me – and the band… and us, as vampires. That's something you don't understand, I guess, but…," Aidan means to argue (why? He doesn't really know), but Josh interrupts him before he can go on any further, " _Don't understand_? Are you kidding me?! Of course I understand! We used to say that we were alike because we didn't have alphas. Now you found yourself one – and of course you find it jolly to have him showing you the easy way! I perfectly understand that!"

"You don't know what it's like to fight that for hundreds of years. You should be happy for me that I found an easier way," Aidan argues.

"And I would be – if that was still you," Josh shakes his head.

"This is still me. What are you saying?" the vampire looks at him.

"I listened to the audio broadcast Bishop uploaded to your website, of your concert. This is the worst performance you have ever given," the werewolf curses.

_You lost your voice, and that by choice. How could you give it up, this golden cup? This present to the world? Your silence burned right in my heart, right in my chest, though you used to be the very best. And now my heart just lies in shards._

"What?" Aidan gapes at him. Josh attacked Bishop and the dens, fine, but not his music. That was the one thing they always agreed on. That was... what always connected them on the deeper level.

"It was shit," Josh hisses.

"Hey!" Aidan retorts, now honestly feeling offended.

"No soul, nothing. Empty text, coupled with an empty voice. It might be that the audience couldn't tell the difference, but trust me, I can," Josh growls.

Your voice is like a mirror, Aidan, when do you finally understand that?

While you lost your reflection to your curse, you still manage to mirror your soul outside with your voice. How can you not see that?

"God, can't you just cut it out? Why is that even relevant?" Aidan holds up his hands.

"Why is that… relevant? Why is that _relevant_? Because you _love_ music! Because you _live_ it! Because you used to die for every single tone you sang! And now you just throw them out like trash," Josh retorts angrily.

That is what brought us together!

Your music saved my life!

How is that 'relevant'?

Well, tell me, is my life still any 'relevant' to you?

"Oh, whatever," Aidan snorts.

"Sometimes I have the feeling that I don't even know you anymore. You don't seem to care for what's going on here," Josh shakes his head, his right fist clenching.

"Josh! I was busy on the gig! I know I didn't always call back on time. Crucify me!" Aidan retorts.

He long since forgot about what happened and why he actually put on the smiley faces.

Right now, Aidan feels hurt, and he can't stand it anymore. He just wants to get rid of that anger, these emotions howling in his ears ever since... he doesn't know. Since Josh is there? Since he got to know Bishop? It is all just a blur, a red blur that consumes him.

Aidan lost control already, so why not give it the final blow?

"I don't care about that! You don't have to call back at all! If you don't want!" the werewolf yells.

"Then what?!" the vampire huffs. Suddenly, Aidan can hear his own voice in his ears, though his lips are pursed.

_"_ _Do you have a girlfriend?"_

_"_ _Hopefully soon. And maybe she's just in that room, who knows?"_

_"_ _Hey there, sweetheart, I'm waiting."_

_"_ _I…"_

_"_ _Wait, let me help."_

_"_ _Just lean back and relax."_

_"_ _Isn't that much better?"_

_"_ _I see you're enjoying yourself alright?"_

_"_ _You're good company."_

_"_ _Is it okay if I kiss you?"._

_"_ _I guess."_

_"_ _Aw, I want, too."_

_"_ _Look who's back in the game!"_

For a moment, Aidan feels vertigo overtaking his senses. He can only stare at Josh's phone as he holds it up in front of him.

"Look, I am not the jealous type. We aren't married or anything. So if you want to be with other people – do that. But have at least the decency not to have it recorded while you lick some chicks' throats so that Henry can send them to me at two in the morning," Josh says, not looking at him, his shoulders hunched.

"That fuckin' bastard!" Aidan growls. And he trusted that man!

"Don't accuse Henry! I don't care who sent the audio, Aidan. It's you I hear – and you are the guy I am currently with. So?" Josh retorts.

"I didn't have sex with them. Those are the blood whores I told you about," Aidan insists.

"Don't call them that," Josh shrieks. He is done hearing these words: Blood whores, blood dens, dark cravings that have to be satisfied, the easy way, vampire business. They are all just disguises from the reality that they just... give up on humanity. And that even though holding on to it was what united Aidan and him.

"That is what they are. They mean nothing to me. Look, they are just there for the blood," Aidan argues.

" _That_ is not getting blood," Josh corrects him.

"I know, it went too far that night. I guess I had too much. I lost… control," Aidan admits. "But they really meant nothing to me, Josh. They are just there for the blood, I swear."

"They _are_ something. They are someone. They are people. People who have a family worrying about them as they seemingly drift deeper and deeper into addiction. People you guys help get a fix of vampire venom. You make them high. You are addict as well as dealer… but that's not even the thing. You didn't invent that, but… well, you take your pleasure in it, and it's not _just_ the blood you seemingly take pleasure in," Josh argues.

"This just happened. I swear to God, Josh. It was in the heat of the moment," Aidan argues, now almost in a begging tone.

"Aidan, I don't care! If you want to do that – do it! I told you already at the very beginning that I wouldn't judge you for it if you had to have other partners. The thing is that you promised me you wouldn't. You _promised_ me something," Josh argues. "Yet, here we are."

Aidan promised him a while back, he said those eight little words: "I promise you because I love _only_ you" – and Josh, seemingly very foolishly, believed him when he said that he wouldn't have anyone beside him. That there was just Josh the same way there was just Aidan for the werewolf.

Josh is actually rather realistic about relationships not always being 'perfect'. He knows that people lie and betray, that they argue, may seek out other partners, or that they break up. The werewolf doesn't think that the fact that you are 'together' automatically implies the 'forever', too. Things happen. People change. People meet other people. And just because Josh wants his relationships to mean both 'together' and 'forever', he always tried his best not to demand it from his partners.

Yet, Josh believes in promises. Because promises are actually defined more statically: If you promise something, you have to keep it. He never demanded from Aidan to promise him anything. However, the vampire _wanted_ to promise. And Josh took him up on that the day Aidan said the eight little words. And that's the difference. He let Aidan know that if he promised him such a thing, he'd have to keep it. "I promise you because I love _only_ you" - and that reaches beyond kissing girls, it's about how Josh is not the only one at all. Because there is Bishop, and that man is a part of Aidan, a part where Josh thought he would be, too. A part he thought was reserved for him, actually.

Aidan promised something - and didn't keep it. Again and again. Each time he came home, the smell of blood still clinging to his shirt. Every night he spent lying next to Josh, shivering against him because his body was craving crimson instead of his partner. Every single time Bishop pulled him away from him a little more. And the women... just delivered the final blow to the already damaged house of glass they used to call their life.

Don't promise what you can't keep – because people may hark back to it, Aidan.

"It was an accident," the vampire objects vehemently.

"Again! I don't care, Aidan! If you think you gotta do it, do it! If it happens, it happens, but don't expect me to wait for you to act upon your promise again once it's convenient for you. You know that this is not how promises work in my view. Don't expect me to wait for you when you keep running away. That's pointless," Josh curses.

"I am here now," Aidan tells him.

I came back, okay? I had a weak moment. That doesn't mean I didn't mean the promise, though... or does it?

"For a few weeks," Josh shakes his head.

" _You_ encouraged me to go with the deal," Aidan argues. He told him that he should talk to Bishop. He told him that he deserved it. He said he'd support him. What happened to all that?

"I encouraged you to follow your dreams," Josh corrects him.

"Well?" the vampire looks at him.

"Is that what you dream of?" Josh then asks.

"What?" Aidan blinks.

"Are you living your dream?" Josh repeats.

"I… I don't know. I mean, this is…," Aidan stutters, but the werewolf interrupts him, "Well, if that is what you dream of – then this dream seemingly doesn't have me in it."

"What? Of course it does. Now listen to me: You are the most important person to me," Aidan argues vehemently.

_You are my everything, my everyone. But now, here I stand and am all alone._

"Aidan, stop pretending. You don't have to do that for my sake. Just as you don't have to lie to yourself about the matter," Josh curses, but then calms himself, the last words coming out as a whisper, "I understand."

_I am not enough, I understand. I can't make you withstand. I see that now, I just don't know how._

Aidan looks at him with wide eyes. How did that happen? He knew they'd fight, but he didn't think they'd fight… _this_ fight.

"No, no, you don't! I mean it! You are my world, man! Wait, I almost forgot. I got you something! Here! Here! Look at it!" Aidan begs desperately, fingering for the small wrapped present he bought, "I was thinking about you. I had a weak moment, but… but I didn't forget about you. I didn't forget the promise, only for a moment, okay? You are part of me, c'mon. Take it! Look at it!"

"I don't want it," Josh shakes his head.

"You haven't even looked at it," Aidan insists.

"I don't have to. It might be you can buy those chicks like that, but you can't buy me with something like this, and be it the most expensive item on the planet earth. I always told you that I don't need money or presents. I just need you," Josh shakes his head.

"I don't want to buy you, Josh. I just… I want you happy," Aidan bites his lower lip.

"Do I look happy to you?" the werewolf curses, forcing the other man to look in those pain-ridden eyes which are short before collapsing into tears.

"Then tell me how to make this up to you!" Aidan begs. "Tell me and I'll do it."

"NO!" Josh yells.

"Josh, please," the vampire keeps begging.

"Aidan, you are making _apologies_. This present you bought to compensate your weak moment. How many times do I have to say it before you hear me? You don't have to apologize to me. You don't have to stop doing these things for me. You simply can't expect me to just swallow that and pretend that none of this ever happened," Josh goes on.

You can't expect me to hold on to a promise you already shattered to pieces. I don't want the shards to keep cutting my flesh and leave me open like a wound.

"I've made a mistake, Josh! That happens! But I promise you it won't ever happen again," Aidan clutches at whatever straw he can find, but none of them seem long enough, as Josh replies, "Don't promise something you can't keep. We had that already."

"I can…," Aidan means to say, but the werewolf won't let him, "You couldn't when this recording happened. You couldn't the times you promised me to be there for a date or call me back, or not to come to me high on blood. Promises are no guarantee for it to work, Aidan. Promises don't set anything into stone. Only one's devotion to keep them does. And I think... you shouldn't promise me anything anymore. We both know you won't keep it."

"Please," Aidan brings out, his voice shaking.

"No," Josh shakes his head. "It's not even about the girls per se. It's about your new life, Aidan. I would forgive you if it had just been... one night, one moment, but it's been... ever since you started to team up with Bishop. Ever since he... started to organize your life... I... was put on the side line. Or no, we were. What we wanted to stand for was."

Aidan looks at him, swallowing thickly.

"Your promise wasn't just that you wouldn't have other partners beside me - it was about me having a place in your world, but I think... I am drifting out of it, each day a little more. I am _not_ the only one to you, not anymore. And that you keep breaking _that_ promise... that is what really hurts me," Josh goes on, his voice shaking.

"Josh, please, you and I both believe in second chances. Why can't you give me... us a second chance?" Aidan bargains.

"I told you, it's not about you making a single mistake, like kissing the girls, Aidan, it's about all these things piling up. I know I wasn't the saint in this relationship, but... but we drifted apart in ways that I think even another try won't fix," Josh argues.

_I cannot mend a heap of shards. You can rebuild a house of cards, but if something breaks, it breaks apart, and with it your and my heart. There is no patch, no way to match, back together, where once was forever. Because those are shards of never._

The vampire looks to the side… and at Josh's duffel bag.

No, that can't be.

No, no, no.

"… Wait… you… you won't take off for just the night, will you?" Aidan breathes hard. He should know by now, but seeing that bag only makes it painfully more real.

Josh says nothing once more.

"You can't do this to me! You can't move out," Aidan yells desperately.

"I won't just patiently wait for you to come back to me each time you head off to your adventures, be it of sexual nature or just into Bishop's open arms. You can't ask me to. A while back, I would have, I really would have. Because I was just your fan, but I'm something else now. Someone else. People change. I changed – thanks to you, too. You gave me strength to stand up for myself. You gave me... hope and... courage... and self-worth. Because that is something I had honestly lost until... you happened. But that also means that I have enough self-worth now not to let someone do that to me, no matter how much I care about him," Josh argues. "Just as it means that I won't let myself do that to other people I care for. I can't keep you from something you really want to do. I can't keep you from a cliff if you just keep running towards it. If that is the life you want to live... I won't hold you back anymore."

"But you just said it. People can change. So let me change, too. Let me prove to you that it won't happen again. Lemme change," Aidan begs.

Help me to gain control again.

_Don't leave me, please don't leave me. Without you I am bleeding. Without you I stop breathing. Please don't leave me, please don't go. Or you'll shred my heart and kill my soul._

"You already did – you are no longer the guy whose voice I fell in love with," Josh bites his lower lip.

You are no longer the man I would have followed blindly. Because we are running opposite directions.

"Well, you said it, people change," Aidan grimaces.

"But not their souls, the very core of what makes you... you. You should know that better than me. You lived longer than I, lived many lives, but still... that was and will always be you... or so I thought. Because that seems changed now," Josh shakes his head.

"How would you even tell? I don't get that," Aidan argues.

"You always had your soul in your voice, your voice carried it all the way up to me. That's how I can tell. But that is over now. That is the clearest sign that something about you, deep down, changed. Something that I sadly wasn't able to bring back to light. I am… simply not enough, as it seems. I can't help you change. I don't know how, Aidan."

_I am sorry that I am not enough, that in the end it's all too tough, that I'm just too weak, that my voice is just too meek._

"So you just throw it all away?" the vampire asks, his voice quivering.

" _You_ do. You have so much to give to the world. Your voice – it's a gift. And you sell it cheap for some fast success. You stopped making music. You just… spend your time with blood donors and taking the easiest route Bishop kindly provides for you and the guys. And honestly? To me it feels like I'm the only one still trying," Josh grits his teeth.

"Trying what?" Aidan looks at him.

And that is when the bomb drops.

Detonates.

Explodes.

"Being human."

The answer lies in the air like a heavy fog.

_How could you forget? How could you neglect? What used to be our goal? What once united your and my soul?_

"You said it – you go the easy way now, but our struggle for humanity won't ever be easy. You took some other turn a while back, when you started to just satisfy your hunger," Josh goes on meekly.

"I am a vampire, Josh! That won't leave me just coz I want it hard enough," Aidan insists.

"Yeah, I know, imagine that. I know what it's like to be a monster and to be unable to change a single thing about it," Josh grits his teeth, his breath coming out ragged.

"You have that once a month, I have that every fuckin' minute of the day, for over 200 years now," Aidan goes on.

"Aidan, if you want to take that lane and satisfy your hunger – do that, but don't ask me to join you on that path. That is not the life I want to live. And that is not the life I'm willing to live beside you. Because I seek humanity. I don't seek the easy way, and I won't ever walk it," Josh tells him.

Aidan blinks at the wolf, fighting back tears. Josh always told him that he'd support him, even during the difficult times, but now? Now Aidan stands here and needs him, and he packs his bags and goes? How does that fit together?

"I love you," Aidan insists.

Doesn't that matter anymore?

"I love you, too," Josh replies.

And that's what it makes it so damn hard for me.

"Then don't leave," Aidan begs, tears standing in his eyes.

Shouldn't that be enough? They love each other. Isn't love always the answer? Didn't he sing about that, too?

Why are _they_ suddenly no longer enough?

"I have to leave. I gotta find my own way. But it's not this way. This is a path I can't join you on. And I can't offer you my support – because I can't support _this_ ," Josh points at the bloodstains on Aidan's shirt.

I can't support you destroying yourself.

I can't support you becoming more of a monster with every time you suck blood.

I can't watch you disappear behind milk glass.

I just can't.

"Please, Josh," Aidan keeps begging.

"I am sorry," the werewolf whispers.

And that is when something inside of Aidan breaks.

Red takes control.

"You can't do this to me!" he yells. He takes a hold of Josh's collar roughly, breathing hard.

"You'll let me go, right now," Josh hisses, grasping the other man's hands with his own.

"You just chicken out, you know? That's what you always do! You just run away once it gets difficult. You are being a coward," Aidan curses. He isn't even sure why he says this, but maybe if he taunts him, he will stay, right?

Right?!

"I rather am a coward than whatever it is that you are right now," Josh snarls.

"You…," Aidan means to say, but that is when he feels himself being pushed away roughly, "Full moon is close – so you definitely don't get to push me around."

Aidan lets out a shuddered breath.

And it is only then that he sees the true defeat in Josh's eyes, posture, his very being.

"See? That is not you," Josh breathes.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...," Aidan mutters numbly, but the werewolf interrupts him, "I know. As I said, that here? That isn't you. That is just... the vampire taking over. And that is why I have to go."

Aidan just stares at him as Josh lets his shoulders hang. He can't even look the vampire in the eye as he says, "Get your shit together. Stop hurting yourself by allowing Bishop to pull you down. That man will be your downfall. I tell you so as someone who cares about you, Aidan. Make your own music, don't sing words you don't mean, don't sing tones someone else composed for you. Don't sell your talent cheap, for that it's too precious. And for God's sake, stop taking live blood in the blood dens."

Each word is a stab right in Aidan's gut.

The werewolf bends down and takes something out of his bag he then thrusts into Aidan's chest as he motions past him to the door, "Maybe you should try out blood bags. It might not taste as good as the actual deal, but it's surely better than taking live blood. It's not the easy way, but one that surely grants more humanity."

"Goodbye, Aidan."

The vampire just keeps standing there as the door closes. He looks at the blood bag.

What the hell just happened?

How is it possible that his life lies in shards before him now?

And here he thought that at least _this_ glass was bulletproof.


	14. Placebo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aidan feels hurt. 
> 
> Aidan tries to regain control after he reached a small epiphany, written on paper. 
> 
> He follows Josh's suggestions.

The curious thing is that once shock is over, anger takes its place very easily.

Fury.

Fire.

And so Aidan finds himself rushing to the band room, kindly provided by _Crimson Records._ Inside is only Henry, going over the new lyrics Bishop gave them to rehearse.

Perfect.

"Oh, hey, you're early for…," Henry means to say, but that is when Aidan has him in the choke and pushes him against the wall behind him, "What the fuck were you thinking?! I should rip your fuckin' windpipe out!"

"What?" the other man croaks.

"The audio you sent to Josh, from the party!" Aidan curses.

"I sent him nothing," Henry argues, fighting the other man's hand off. Both stay in their spots, though, their faces only inches from each other.

"Josh received a message with the audio of when I kissed the girls – from your phone number," Aidan grits his teeth, actually looking more like a wolf than a man.

"Aidan, I was busy having fun with the other chicks, what would I care about your little sweetheart?" Henry retorts.

"You never liked him," Aidan snarls.

"I don't care about him, Aidan, that's a difference," Henry corrects him.

"He left," Aidan says, his voice coming out croaked as he says it.

He left.

He left me.

Saying it actually makes it even more real. And ever the more painful.

"And there's still so many other people who are less pains in the ass," Henry sneers.

"I swear to God if you don't cut it…," Aidan growls.

"You kissed them, not I. Or well, I did, and banged them afterwards, but I didn't have a werewolf puppy boyfriend crying over an audio of me having fun. You made the decision to think with the urges first, not me," Henry huffs.

"You didn't send that audio?" Aidan asks.

"No, as I said, I don't care what you do in your private life for as long as I get to have my fun. If you want to cuddle with the puppy or not doesn't bother me, just as I don't give a damn on you fuckin' some of the blood whores," Henry snorts.

"He won't answer my phone calls and he's not home," Aidan exhales.

"Then give up on him. He seemingly did already," Henry tells him.

"Are you serious? He used to be part of that group, too," the older vampire argues.

"He was a part of your life, not ours. He was a good songwriter and all, but… well, we're successful now, Aidan. We can make enough money to have a few more hundred years of fun. So I am definitely not crying a single tear over his departure – and I speak so in the name of everyone else in the group," Henry says.

"Whatever," Aidan shakes his head, turning away.

"Where are you going?" Henry asks.

"Away," the other vampire curses.

"Will you be there for the party tonight?" Henry calls after him.

"No," Aidan replies.

"I'll see you there," Henry grins.

Aidan closes his eyes and walks away.

He's going to party anyway, isn't he? Because it's that much easier.

Damn.

* * *

As the younger vampire predicted, Aidan finds himself in the flux of parties and fake smiles faster than he thought... and deeper than he'd like to admit to himself. A week ago or so, Bishop arranged for some meet-and-greet with producers. Aidan didn't bother to remember their names, or learn them in the first place. He just knew that they were there, talking, while he tried hard to look like he was actually listening to a single word they said. Because he wasn't.

Aidan just felt hungry to the point that his knee was constantly bobbing up and down, could feel the cold sweat on his forehead and nape of his neck, and the feeling of sheer emptiness, crying out to him to fill this hole, close that gap, satisfy that need.

Like a bloody addict.

Well, damn.

And he felt sad. Still does...

Because the vampire knows that the lights won't be on when he comes back to the loft. Because the rooms will be just as he left them, that there will be the same chaos, the same filth. Because no mugs will be cleaned out and no medical books will lie on the coffee table. Because he knows that the bed will be cold and that the stove will be out, too.

The first few nights, Aidan just stayed with the other three band members to distract himself from the obvious. They jammed a bit, but when they wanted to go to the dens, the oldest vampire wanted to make a run for it at first as all bad memories returned to him. The kiss. The blood. The tears in Josh's eyes. His duffel bag. The door closing. Aidan told the others to go ahead without him...

It's probably needless to mention that he eventually joined them anyway. Just as needless as it is to mention that Bishop smiled at him happily, patted him on the shoulder encouragingly, led him to one of the silken tents, the flexible milk glass, and gave him over into the arms of the blood whores... _donors_... and Aidan just drifted away thereafter into sweet nothingness.

Aidan hoped that lying close to someone still alive, someone who is not a vampire, would soothe his pain in a way, that trying to sleep next to the blood donors after taking a bit of their blood would fill the emptiness in him.

Just that it didn't.

Just that it doesn't.

Just that it won't.

Ever.

Because their bodies may be comfortably warm, but they are not... the person who used to be his one and only fan.

The odd thing is that Aidan can't escape this vicious cycle, though. He tells himself not to spend the night in the dens, but the prospect of finding the loft empty is so terrifying that he just turns around on the heel and back to the dens, back to the dark cravings and easy satisfaction.

If only there was an easy way to soothe that pain, like it is with the blood.

But Josh wasn't ever blood and he won't ever be just that - and that is why his absence is even worse of a withdrawal than blood withdrawal could ever be, or so it turns out. Aidan thought it was pain to lie next to Josh, shivering from blood cravings, but it's worse, far worse to lie in bed with the blood hunger satisfied, but left with the pain of just empty space pushing down on him, leaving him cold and breathless.

"Are you coming with?" Gabriel's voice rings out, bringing Aidan back to the band room.

"Huh?" the older vampire frowns.

"To the dens? We wanna head out," Gabriel repeats. Aidan means to say 'no', but he is already on his feet and follows the other three as they leave the room.

"I hope the ginger one is back. I really liked her. She tastes different somehow."

"No, you have to try the blonde one, with the mismatched eyes."

"I will just have them both."

"Only once I'm done."

"And me."

"Let the ladies decide."

Aidan just keeps walking, keeping his arms close to his body. He feels cold - and while he knows that even these embraces won't help fix it, he can't help but keep walking down the road where the streetlights die out eventually, leaving him in complete darkness.

Is that the easy way?

Then why can't he see?

And why doesn't it feel easy anymore?

* * *

The worst part about getting accused of something is the moment you realize that maybe the other person had a point.

Aidan finds himself in that situation right now – and hates it.

When he had a break-up in the past, he used to write a song, maybe no lyrics, but a melody, some piece of music to give voice to his feelings. He sang what his mind commanded. He sang and played the guitar for hours. And after that he felt better.

But now? Now he sits in his apartment in hours, in the dark, and no music comes. He can't sing, he can't play, he can't write.

He lost his voice.

So the vampire, not knowing what else to do, started kicking and throwing smaller objects through the loft. He just has to get his anger in check again. Aidan has to feel something. He needs a release that even the blood whores can't grant him. Actually, blood tastes bitter these days, and the girls Bishop brings him appear to Aidan like demons most of the time.

The vampire finally finds a stack of papers he sends flying in the air like snow. The paper from the trashcan soon joins the imaginary blizzard. Aidan breathes hard, his nostrils flaring.

Cold. Cold. Cold.

That is what he feels and that is what he seemingly is, too.

Aidan knows it doesn't help.

He knows there is no cure this time.

However, that is when his eyes fall on a piece of handwriting he knows inside-out. And it's not his own. He bends down to pick up the crumbled sheet of paper. It was in the trash, actually. Well, the trash is piling up ever since Josh went out that door. He always made sure Aidan's apartment looked alright. He made sure that Aidan was alright…

The vampire shakes his head as he runs his thumb over the paper. There are some circular outlines at the bottom.

Tears?

Aidan sits down on the ground as the words absorb his mind into themselves:

_Your eyes are the mirrors of the world_

_In them I see the brightest days_

_The darkest nights_

_The small moments_

_And the big_

_I see the smiles_

_I see the tears_

_I see all the people's fears_

_I see in you a part of me_

_I run away, with you I flee_

_You capture them within your eyes_

_Give them a place to hide_

_These feelings, all too much_

_You take them with you_

_Carry them inside your heart_

_You are the bard_

_Of the million stories left untold_

_Breathe them in and give them voice_

_Grant them, for once, a choice_

_Within you lives a very old soul_

_But no less is it beautiful_

_The fairest I will ever know_

_If only I had the strength to carry_

_Your soul within my own_

_Give you a place_

_A place to hide_

_To be_

_So you may sing your melody_

_For all to hear_

_For all to feel_

_For all those who do just conceal_

_The feelings they have left behind_

_The feelings you picked up so kind_

_And brought to life within your chest_

_You, your soul, it is the very best_

_Because you don't stop short_

_You never go to rest_

_Except for when you let me_

_Carry your soul next to mine_

_And that, to me, was the very best_

_Made me ever so glad_

_For what I suddenly had_

_Ever so proud_

_For it gave me voice_

_It made me loud_

_I felt needed_

_I felt wanted_

_I felt engulfed_

_I finally felt loved_

_For once, if only just a day_

_You were my savior and I the stray_

_You caught me and held me tight_

_And with me my shadow and my light_

_You sang to me_

_Gave me a place to be_

_A place to hide_

_I see it in your eyes_

_The million cries_

_The shouts to the sky_

_The messages in bottles_

_The cries for help of those who die_

_Who cannot say their last goodbye_

_The whimpers in the dark_

_The lights without a spark_

_But also the tears of joy_

_The tight embraces_

_The happy faces_

_But now you pass me by_

_And all I want is cry_

_I see right through you_

_You make me want to die_

_A little more_

_A little less_

_Because the depth, it is amiss_

_You are my poison and my remedy_

_You are my greatest prophecy_

_My muse_

_My moving star_

_Close or far_

_I can't see your face_

_Not anymore_

_I hope I'll see you someday again_

_Happy as you were_

_For it is your soul I miss_

_The soul I can't be without_

_You are my breath_

_Your love for me_

_It was the greatest symphony_

_You are my beating heart_

_And still, we are apart_

_I might never see you again_

_And still, I will always harbor what we had_

_All the good, and all the bad_

_You are the voice of the world_

_The eye of the stars_

_I look at you and all I see_

_Is the past, the future, all too presently_

_If only we had today_

_For my heart, it feels so frail_

_Though all we have is yesterday_

_In your eyes I got lost_

_Is that the price? Is that the cost?_

_Now I'm homeless_

_Inside me a gaping hole_

_Still, I won't ever regret_

_No matter the neglect_

_The sound of your voice_

_Your life_

_Your old, old soul_

Aidan lets out a shuddered breath, but then gets up from the ground and starts to clean up the apartment.

He has to get order back.

Order means control.

And control is what he needs back, more than desperately.

Once he is done, he heads into the kitchen, stopping at the fridge.

 _Right,_ there was something... the strangest goodbye-gift someone has ever given to him. Aidan opens the door and takes out the bloodbag Josh thrusted into his chest the night he's left. He stored it and the others the werewolf packed into the cooling bag in the fridge, but until now didn't bother to open the fridge just once. The vampire strokes his thumb over the surface. Plastic. Not skin. The blood is cold. Not warm.

Can that possibly work?

Aidan closes his eyes, extends his fangs, and then bites down into the bag, sucking out some of the content. He keeps it in his mouth for a few seconds, tasting it, but then hurries to the sink to spit it out, creating oddly shaped patterns of red in the ivory-colored sink. For a moment, he wants to throw it away and into the trash, but then takes another look at the bag, a bit of red liquid oozing out of the puctures he left with his fangs.

Sugar pills that taste bitter, _great._

Aidan contemplates, but then his eyes fall on the microwave. Maybe that works better? He takes out his mug and pours some of the blood inside to heat it up in the microwave. Once he takes out the heated crimson liquid, he takes another sniff.

Still smells about just awful.

The vampire takes a hesitant sip. The taste is not thrilling, but... better.

And... the hunger? It's actually less. His knee stops bobbing, too, as he sits down. Aidan takes another sip. No fangs probing the inside of his mouth, no tingling, no whooshing in his ears.

No crimson.

Not at all like the original.

Aidan nips again, leaning back in his chair slightly.

No, it's really not at all like the actual deal, but maybe that is... for good?

Maybe that placebo... works?

Maybe, and just maybe, if his eyes stop turning black, his eyes will be _the mirrors of the world_ again?

Is that the order he sought?

The order he needs?

Well, he is about to find out.

Just that this is a fight he now has to fight alone.


	15. Leave A Message

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bishop and Aidan talk. 
> 
> Aidan misses Josh.

Aidan can't help but wonder about what type of a guy Bishop really is. At one moment he is funny and helpful, the next a tough businessman, then a caring alpha, the next… a plain asshole. Perhaps it's really just because Aidan takes less and less live blood – and more and more of the 'present' Josh left him – the bag full of blood bags. And while he finds it difficult to go with just that... he sees things clearer each day. The milk glass is replaced by normal glass, mosaic for mosaic.

And that is why he actually starts to see past Bishop's masquerade and instead more clearly the man behind that mask.

"Aidan, Aidan, Aidan, you start to worry me," Bishop sighs as Aidan comes into his office, after the older vampire ordered him there.

"Why so?" the raven asks.

"Have a seat, please," Bishop motions for him to take the black leather chair. Aidan sits down with a grimace, "So? Why did you want to see me? And why do you worry about me?"

"Well, we all missed you in the den lately," Bishop exhales.

"I've been busy," the other vampire replies defensively.

Busy with reordering my life.

Busy finding... another way.

"I heard from the others that you are a little lovesick," Bishop hisses, faking sympathy.

"Well, when you end up kissing with some chicks and have someone record the audio to send to him… what do you expect, huh?" Aidan huffs. Of course he knows that there is more to it, but Bishop doesn't - and everything else is rather private.

Because no matter how 'supportive' Bishop may be in most cases, or tries to appear as though he was, Aidan knows that he won't get any help from the older vampire in that regard. Not that he'd want it either. Bishop made it no secret that he was little concerned with Josh or Aidan wanting to spend time with him.

Obviously, that is no longer a problem now.

_Alone I am now. Even though I know now how, it's hard to accept and even harder to neglect what I once had but threw away, when I let go and didn't make you stay._

"That's of course a pity," Bishop makes a face.

" _You_ sent him the audio, didn't you?" Aidan asks.

It's odd how shattering the glass can actually put things into perspective.

"What? Why do you think that?" Bishop looks at him.

"Henry told me he didn't record it. He was too far away from me. You were about close enough to do it – and to the day, Henry is too stupid to work his phone properly," Aidan explains.

"Now that you mention it… It must have been an accident, though, I assure you. Henry's phone rang, I tried to answer, but I must have pushed the wrong buttons," Bishop puckers his lips.

" _Right_ , and that with the receiver just close enough so I was clearly audible… and actually the same happened at the after-show party by accident, too… and then you accidentally sent it on tops, to Josh of all people," Aidan snorts. He might be a fool lately, but he is not stupid.

"It was an accident," Bishop insists.

"He's left, you know," Aidan says, looking at the abstract painting on the wall to the left. "It's not only coz of this that he left me, but because of everything else I did. And the problem is that I can't really blame him."

_Out of my life you disappeared. Carried yourself away, let the wind lead you astray, away from me, the pain, the sorrow. There is no longer a tomorrow, just a yesterday, and that is what I always feared: To walk through a storm all alone, a gravelroad tossing at me stone after stone._

"I'm sorry for you, but maybe you see now that he's not as hardly trying as you were all this time. And maybe that break-up is for good," Bishop argues.

"What do you mean?" the younger vampire grimaces.

"I didn't want to say it out loud when you and Josh were still... together, but now that he's gone… He was dragging you down, Aidan," Bishop sighs with a sympathetic grimace.

"Dragging me down _how_?" the younger vampire demands, feeling the anger rising from his guts all the way up to his throat.

"You whined often enough about how you don't think it's okay to go to the dens because he was so much against it. Let me tell you: This is the best solution. And if your puppy believes that this is no good, then having him no longer poison you with his ideas might be just as well for the best," Bishop offers a reassuring smile that makes Aidan's skin crawl.

"But he might be right. Look, he's given me blood bags, from the hospital," the raven argues, making Bishop blink at him incredulously, "What?"

"As an alternative. Blood bags, blood that's from humans, but without hurting them. I mean, it doesn't taste that amazing, but… it works. No biting needed," Aidan explains.

Because maybe he can change the way by changing the people walking alongside him, right? If he makes Bishop and the others appreciate his new kind of 'vegetarianism' (though it's Josh's idea of course), then maybe... he can find a middle way.

"Really, if Josh ever made you believe that this is good for you, then it's better that you walk separate ways from now on," Bishop shakes his head.

"It might be something!" Aidan insists.

"It's nothing. Aidan, we are predators, not vegetarians. Because predators are the ones standing at the top of the food chain, do you understand that?" the older man replies, now rather grimly.

"But what if he's right and we just destroy ourselves with it?" Aidan argues.

"We don't. Following that call is the most natural thing on earth, Aidan. It's what we vampires do. What we always did," Bishop objects with a small smile tugging at his lips.

"Well, maybe we could make some changes," Aidan grimaces.

People change.

Maybe vampires, too?

Maybe Josh was wrong about that one thing - maybe he can change after all.

"Aidan, I won't change my lifestyle upon the suggestion of a mutt who knows really nothing about real life, is too busy wallowing in self-pity and is a spoilsport," Bishop snorts. Aidan narrows his eyes at him, "Careful now."

"I'm just stating the facts. You told me yourself that he doesn't know how to be a wolf most of his time," Bishop argues.

"Because his alpha took off," Aidan replies.

"Exactly. He doesn't know because no one showed him how, but I can show you how, Aidan. And that is why you'd do better listening to someone who actually knows what he's talking about," Bishop objects.

"What if this is a new perspective on us, our curse? What if that opens up even your horizon a bit, ever crossed your mind?" the younger vampire tells him.

"The way we do it, it works just fine. The dens give us order. So that we are not chased out of town for our need overtaking our rationality and making us bite some random victim in daylight. No, no, the dens are tested and proven, Aidan," the redhaired man replies calmly. "No matter what your dear Josh may have to say about it, he doesn't know what it's really like to be a vampire, or does he?"

"He lived with me," Aidan shrugs.

"But does he know what that hunger feels like? That call? I bet not. You see, just because he is also a monster doesn't make him one of our own. He cannot share that. And that is why you should forget about this whole nonsense with the blood bags. They mean no good," Bishop says, leaning back in his chair.

"But what if he has a point nevertheless?" Aidan insists.

"If the mutt made you believe for only just a second that acting against your very nature is for good, he never did you any good, Aidan, trust me," Bishop shakes his head.

"He did," Aidan retorts.

All good in the world.

When he still believed that the bad was the good and the good the bad.

"Even if so – where is he now? Where is he when you need him? Huh?" Bishop argues.

"I kissed those girls," Aidan shrugs.

"A kiss is a kiss. If he were that steadfast in you and your relationship, he would have forgiven you, but I tell you: He considers himself something better than you and I," Bishop warns him.

"How would you know? You don't even know him," Aidan retorts.

"I know him well enough. And I know how werewolves work. I've known them for a longer while than you have, Aidan. I saw it in his eyes whenever he tagged along. The silent judgment. And really, for the curse we live with, we deserve pity, not judgment. Yet, he complained, yet he told you again and again that he didn't want you to act according to your very nature. He judged you for being a vampire. Josh just tried to conceal it by making it look like he wanted to make you a better person. But let me tell you something, Aidan: You are a way better person without him messing with your mind," Bishop tells him.

"Josh didn't manipulate me," Aidan insists. Josh was and is a 'good guy'. Even when he ends up making mistakes, the younger man never was someone who displayed hatred. That is what he liked about Josh so much. That he wasn't like that at all. That he was a monster once a month, but a person standing in the light for almost the entire rest of the time. He shed light on Aidan, too, or so he learns now that this light faded away and left him in darkness.

"Look, Aidan, I know people his type. I've dealt with those people often enough. They are kind, they are nice, generous, even. But they are also very subtle, and by that I mean that they will not be in your face when either one does something wrong. No, no. They are all about subtext. And I got a lot from that wolf. He may say that he supports you, but he only supported you for as long as you played according to his rules. The moment he was no longer played first fiddle in your life, he got pissed, gave you an ultimatum and made you choose between him and the one thing you can't be without: Blood. Now you tell me, is that fair? Is that really supportive?" Bishop argues.

"It wasn't like that," Aidan grimaces.

"He's always been judging you, be honest to yourself," Bishop argues. "How many times did you complain about it, huh? To me? To the band? How he didn't understand you, how he didn't understand that need for blood. How he forced you into the human world when you invited him into our own?"

"You said it yourself, Josh is no vampire. So asking him to come to the dens with me was a foolish act," Aidan objects.

"No, it was the right thing to do. And if you had been that important to him, he would have gone with you," the older vampire raises his index finger at him. "You did nothing wrong. He just considered himself something better, and by that I mean more 'human', as you two insist on. And by making you change, he just made you uncertain about your very nature, which is a crime in my eyes. He tried to make you something that you are not. Something that even he is not."

"He… wanted to protect me," the younger man objects. "From falling too deep for the blood cravings."

_It's just that I didn't see, that I closed my eyes, to the greater truth, the bit of paradise: That you tried to save me. When I swam away from you. Swatted your hand away and withdrew. Now I drown in the endless sea. All alone, with only me as company._

"He wanted to have you his way. He wanted you to change the way he liked it best. Manipulated you. But that is just not who and what you are, Aidan. You are a shark, act like one," Bishop advises him.

"... Is there anything else?" Aidan snorts, unimpressed. "Or else I'll be out of here."

"I just want to make sure that you will keep it up. We still have a business to run," Bishop grins. "Though I'm honestly sorry for the little accident, I hope it won't stand in the way of our partnership."

"How would it? I signed the contract, didn't I?" Aidan huffs.

"That's true. I'm glad we see things the same way. And hey, maybe you and your ex reconcile after all. Though you should perhaps think about it that your break-up is really for the best, for the both of you," the older man winks at him. Aidan gets up from his chair, "I… I gotta go."

"Bye, Aidan," Bishop waves at him. "Have a nice day. I will see you later."

* * *

Aidan sighs as he walks circles in the apartment, glancing at his phone. He holds it to his ear after he pushed the button for repeat dial for the umpteenth time.

" _This is Josh. I'm seemingly busy, so leave a message or your number and I'll call back as soon as I can. Have a great day… or night, whatever… BEEP…_ "

He hangs up again.

Is it as pathetic as it feels like that Aidan keeps calling that number – if only to hear the sound of Josh's voice?

He dials again.

" _This is Josh. I'm seemingly busy, so leave a message or your number and I'll call back as soon as I can. Have a great day… or night, whatever… BEEP…_ "

"Josh? This is me, Aidan. I hope you're alright and… It'd be great if you called back some time. Because we left on... not-so-good terms, I mean... It was a mess and... I would just like to... talk... about it another time... So if you'd like to talk, too, then…"

" _END OF MESSAGE_."

Aidan lets out a grunt. He keeps imagining Josh sitting in front of the phone, listening to his nervous babbling, frowning, wriggling his nose the way he always does when he is confused.

God, he really acts like a teenager.

And God, does he miss Josh making these faces.

And God, does he miss Josh.

And God, is that pathetic.

Aidan's phone suddenly rings. For a moment, he thinks it might be Josh, but of course it's not.

As if.

"What can I do for you, Jake?" he sighs.

"Where are you, man?" the other man hollers.

"At home," Aidan replies.

"But the party is amazing!" Jake yells. "You should be here!"

"Yeah, I bet," Aidan rolls his eyes.

Did he make such phone calls to Josh, too, he wonders?

"Bishop doesn't like it that you're not here, you know," Jake warns him. "He's actually pretty pissed."

"That's my business," Aidan replies.

"Well, that means more fun stuff for me," Jake giggles.

"Yeah, have fun. But make sure you don't end up doing something you'll regret," Aidan tells him.

"Aidan, please, we're vampires, we don't have to regret anything. We still got eternity, remember?" Jake smiles.

"Yeah, but eternity can be very long, Jake," Aidan warns him.

"Wow, you really are in a bad mood. Listen to some sad love songs, light up some candles, or get a hooker... Maybe that lightens up your mood. Talk to you morrow or so," Jake snorts.

"Be safe," the older vampire says.

"Don't make me laugh. I'm a vampire, Aidan, I don't have to be afraid of anything. I'm. A. Shark," Jake chuckles before hanging up.

Aidan lets out a sigh as he walks over to his bed to let himself fall down on it unceremoniously.

Did Bishop really manage to make all of them versions of himself?

And is he already one of them?

A shark?

And is that a good thing or not?

Because… even if you stand at the top of the food chain… you stand there… very… alone.

With the feeling that a part of you missing.

With your phone in hand, listening to voicemails in endless loop for a small moment of familiarity.

Aidan curls in on himself and puts the cellphone next to his head.

Can you stop being a shark?

And if yes, how?

Aidan dials again, closing his eyes.

" _This is Josh. I'm seemingly busy, so leave a message or your number and I'll call back as soon as I can. Have a great day… or night, whatever… BEEP…_ "

Aidan's mind drifts to sleep slowly.

" _This is Josh… I'll call back as soon as I can. Have a great day… or night, whatever… BEEP…_ "

" _This is Josh… Have a great day… or night, whatever… BEEP…_ "

" _This is Josh… Have a great… night… BEEP…_ "

" _This is Josh… night… BEEP…_ "

" _This is Josh… BEEP…_ "

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.


	16. Learning the Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aidan learns the truth about Bishop.

"Please have a seat," Bishop says as Aidan, once again, finds himself walking into the spacious office. It has been a kind of game between the two for a while. Aidan keeps away, Bishop tells him to come back, but the younger man doesn't listen. He turns up to the concerts, but other than that...

He wants to walk a different path.

"I don't want to have that conversation, but I fear we can't move around it anymore. We have a problem," the older vampire tells him in a serious voice.

"Aha," Aidan exhales absently, looking around.

"Aidan, this is a serious matter. You come in late, you don't want to stay for autographs – the fans and I are upset," Bishop tells him. "You see, I gave you a bit more leash because you were lovesick after your little puppy-break-up, but it starts to hurt my finances, Aidan."

"And money makes the world go round," Aidan chuckles with sarcasm bubbling up deep in his throat.

"It does," Bishop shrugs.

"And blood," the younger vampire adds.

"And blood," the redhaired man agrees.

"Well, if you can't stand my behavior... just throw me out," Aidan replies.

He honestly just doesn't care about this anymore.

Once again, Josh was right: Thanks to this here, Aidan lost his music. And that is a way greater part of him than he had ever anticipated. In fact, he is just a shred of himself. His music is gone and so is Josh. All that was good in his life… it disappeared.

He let it go.

Stupid.

_My biggest mistake, my greatest sin, was to put us at stake, and lost what I could win. If only I had understood before it was too late. So here I am and can just wait. For you. For something new. For the storm to stop and the sky to turn blue._

"So is that what it is? You think that if you push me just hard enough, I will fire you and speak you free of the contract, is that it?" Bishop chuckles, now almost amused. "Because that trick doesn't work on me. And you should know that."

"Why are you even interested in me that much? I mean… on the personal level? You don't seem to care about any of the guys as much as you care about me," Aidan grimaces. He honestly doesn't get that. He mulled this over inside his head, but that is the one variable he can't solve. The one shard of shaded glass he can't see through.

"Exactly, I care a great deal about you," Bishop nods. "And that is why it honestly hurts me that you… keep pushing away."

"You are my _manager_ ," Aidan argues.

"And a fellow vampire. And as such, I'm even more concerned, especially with your ascesis, or as you call it, 'vegetarianism'. You must be hungry, but you don't show up for dinner. So what am I supposed to think, you tell me?" Bishop objects with a smug grin.

"When I take blood and how is my business," Aidan replies defensively.

"Aidan, I can't stand it to see you wearing yourself out like that. You were so well a few weeks back," Bishop grimaces.

"When I was mostly high on live blood, you mean?" Aidan snorts.

"You were happy," the older man shrugs.

"I was _high_ ," Aidan corrects him.

"But you have to see that blood is not the same as drugs. Blood is our food – just that it doesn't make us fat," Bishop objects.

"Well, too much of anything's bad," the raven huffs, leaning back in his chair.

"Not of that, Aidan. Blood is good. And blood is what you need," Bishop insists. Aidan grimaces as the older vampire pushes a button on a small panel installed on the tabletop. A few moments later, a young Latina with long, smooth hair comes inside, only dressed in a white satin short dress that reveals just about everything.

"Bishop, what is this about?" Aidan demands, though he already gets an idea what the elder vampire has in mind here.

"I just make sure that you eat your breakfast," Bishop smirks. He nods at the Latina who presents her wrist and cuts it with a razor.

"I won't drink her," Aidan curses, his eyes focused on the older vampire.

For once, not his nose but the eyes have to win the fight, please.

"But why? She's a charming gal, I tell you," Bishop argues with a mocking tone. "But perhaps you are right, I didn't properly introduce you. This is Veronica. Veronica, this is Aidan."

"Hi, Aidan. I totally love your music," she smiles.

"Who else got to drink her before she got here?" Aidan asks. Judging by how glassy her eyes are, this is not her first round.

"She is a total fan and wanted to get to know you, Aidan," Bishop smiles. "So why don't you greet her properly? She's been aching to meet you in person. Come over here, Veronica. Sit with us."

The young woman steps closer, but that is when Aidan stands up, "I will not drink her."

"Aidan, it's not very kind to turn down a present," Bishop scolds him.

"I don't care. You'll send her away, and preferably out of the building, too," Aidan demands. It gets harder and harder for him to breathe. He can hear the droplets of blood falling to the ground and can feel his fangs probing the inside of his mouth.

"You make her sad, Aidan," Bishop goes on nevertheless.

"Please, I've been waiting for this for so long," she breathes, her eyes fixed on him, tilting her head sideways.

"Bishop, I won't do it," Aidan insists, his knees starting to shake.

_How long can I resist? This fake bliss? How long can I hold on? When to the other side I get drawn?_

"You need it, Aidan. You always will. And deep down, you know as well me that you want it, too," Bishop hums with a dark smile. Veronica comes closer and closer. Aidan grasps the backrest of the chair to the point that he can feel the leather tearing.

"Stop it," he argues vehemently.

"Aidan, I can't allow that you keep doing that to yourself. I gotta take care of you," Bishop hums, seemingly amused at the sight of the vampire squirming in his seat, fighting his urges. "Just one bite, hm?"

Veronica inches closer again, but this time Aidan takes hold of her arm. The girl smiles in anticipation, but Aidan lowers her arm, "I won't drink her."

"But…," the woman stammers.

"Veronica, dear? I think Aidan still needs a moment. Just go outside for a while, alright?" Bishop tells her in a soothing voice. "Thank you, dear."

The Latina nods absently before walking off, seemingly irritated at the fact that a vampire turned her down.

"What the fuck is this, Bishop?!" Aidan demands.

"I could ask you the same question. I'm just trying to take care of you," the older vampire retorts.

"Why. Me," Aidan questions, gritting his teeth. "Why don't you just leave me alone? What's it to you if I drink or not? Why me?"

"I guess you caught me," Bishop shrugs, holding up his hands. Aidan blinks at him, "What now?"

"Sit back down," Bishop tells him.

"I don't want to, thanks," Aidan retorts, but that is when the older man says in a really threatening tone, "You will sit down, right now. Or I will make you."

The raven sits back down slowly. Bishop never talked to him like that before.

"So now, why did I catch you? And with what?" Aidan asks, licking his lips nervously.

"Well, I could now go on pretending… but I guess that's pointless," Bishop sighs, his voice and gestures suddenly completely different. Aidan grimaces. Is that the real Bishop now, or yet another masquerade?

"You are right, I'm personally interested in you and your well-being," Bishop exhales. "It's natural, I guess, that the creator tries to take care of his own creation."

Creator?

Creation?

For a moment, Aidan believes the world tilts sideways.

What?

"You, you turned me?!" he brings out, his eyes wide.

"Yes, and I may say that you are one of my proudest creations," Bishop smiles at him.

"That can't be," Aidan breathes.

All this time he thought he had no alpha… or at least one who never wanted to have to do with him… and here he is?

This is him?

This is the man who cursed him?

"Back on that battlefield when you almost died… I was right there, and have been ever since," Bishop goes on.

"But… but why?" the younger man asks.

How could Bishop hate him so much to curse him with blood hunger and fangs?

And how comes Aidan never realized?

"I knew you'd make one fine vampire, easy as that. I saw something in you, Aidan, potential," the older vampire smiles.

"To be a monster?" Aidan huffs.

"To be a shark," Bishop grins.

"I never asked for this," Aidan breathes. No, he never did. He never wanted to be a vampire. Aidan still learns to accept this as his condition, but if someone had asked him back on the battlefield if he wanted to die or live through this here? Aidan would have chosen death.

"Some things you don't ask for anyways. I saw it in your eyes, though. This undying will," Bishop muses.

"But… I… I mean… where were you? All this time?" the younger vampire argues.

He saw potential in him – and then took off?

You don't just adopt a child and leave it at the next best gas station either, right?

"Always only just three steps behind you," the ginger man shrugs.

"Why didn't you reveal yourself to me? Ever? Why did you leave me out there in the open?" Aidan questions.

Why did he have to wake up all alone in that field all those years ago?

Why didn't Bishop tell him what the matter was?

That he was a vampire now?

Why did he just turn him and then… turn away?

"Because you didn't want to be a vampire, Aidan. You never did. How could I help you with that?" Bishop shakes his head. "Trust me, it broke my heart that I couldn't be right by your side, but… you always denied your inner shark."

"I didn't know what to do! You just left me there! As my alpha, you had a responsibility," Aidan curses.

"I was always there, Aidan, always," the man assures him.

"I almost killed people, no, I actually killed people! Where were you back then?" Aidan demands. Bishop just scolds at him, though, "Do you really think it was your charming face that got you out of prison each time you came under suspicion? Or that your self-given alibi was _that_ waterproof? _Really_?"

"… You…," Aidan breathes.

"I got you out. Each time. I run Boston, Aidan. I have influential friends. As I said, I was always there for you," Bishop shrugs.

"Why the whole manager thing?" Aidan questions. "Was that an act, too?"

"No, I _am_ a manager, just that I manage not only bands, but… well, all that has to do with the vampire community. I manage all of Boston's vampires," Bishop grins at him smugly.

"Then why did you approach me only just now?" Aidan asks.

If he wanted to watch Aidan from the shadows, then why did he approach him in that club?

Why did he ever step into his life?

"Because you got yourself into trouble I couldn't help you out of from the shadows," Bishop explains.

"What?" Aidan blinks at him.

"We both know what I'm talking about, so let's not pretend," Bishop snorts.

"What do you mean?" Aidan repeats in a low voice.

"Well, what was up with you the last couple of years, you tell me? Not taking live blood yourself, but living off the portions provided by your friends, like some blood whore yourself? Having relationships with humans? Trying to live among them? Denying your heritage?" Bishop snarls.

"My heritage is human, Bishop! Before you made me a vampire, I was just that: Human," Aidan yells.

And you took that away from me!

"But you are no longer. And still you tried to pretend human normalcy. You risked getting caught by sticking to the humans for too long, holding up long-term relationships and befriending them. That brought you into trouble each time, Aidan. People realized what you were – and that is when the stupid populace screamed just like out of the movies. The thing is… no matter how proud you make me as your creator, you came with that vicious disability of being unable to compel victims properly," Bishop sighs, now almost apologetically. "And that is why you especially should better stay away from them."

"We have to live with humans in a way! You do that, too!" Aidan argues vehemently, but Bishop corrects him with a dark smile, "I don't live _with_ them. I live _alongside_ them – and use them for my purposes. I stand at the top of the food chain, Aidan. Because I'm a predator. But you try to break off your teeth."

"And I would if that granted me humanity!" Aidan retorts.

He'd use pliers to take out his fangs if that made him human, or at least more human again.

"But none of this would have wavered me too much… if not for that one circumstance changed…" Bishop sighs, his voice trailing off.

"Which would be?" Aidan questions, narrowing his eyes.

"That you suddenly changed the playground," Bishop shrugs.

"What?" Aidan blinks. The older man mimics a barking dog, laughing at him evilly.

So that is it?

That is…

" _Josh_ … this has been… about Josh, all this time?" Aidan blinks at him.

"Not about your sweetheart in particular. Solely the fact that he is a werewolf," Bishop shrugs nonchalantly.

"Please, that blood feud is pointless," Aidan snorts.

"It's not. He's the enemy – and poison to you," Bishop tells him, now more seriously.

"Watch your tone," Aidan hisses.

"I mean that quite literally so. Werewolves are poison, their blood is. And I couldn't afford to have you escalate and bite him. That would have been the death of you, Aidan," the older man tells him. "And you were wearing yourself down by not taking other blood, out of shame! _Shame_! Over something that is your natural right! Because he kept making you sorry for it!"

"He's had any reason to!" Aidan curses.

"He did not! He poisoned your mind, Aidan," Bishop insists. "It would have been only a matter of time until the hunger would have overtaken you and you would have tried to nibble on him. He maybe even would have let you, as lovesick as that little puppy was. And that might just as well have killed you. I had to protect you from that."

"Protect me?" Aidan lets out a dry laugh.

"At first I thought it'd be done with just giving you what you needed, so that the hunger would stop, but… well, you are seemingly very fond of that particular mutt – and wouldn't let go. You wanted to be the way he wanted you to be, even if that meant you restrained yourself to the breaking point. So I had to take other measurements," Bishop goes on to explain.

"Other measurements? Like?" Aidan demands.

"Make you let go," Bishop smiles. "Make you… be yourself again. Make you act like a vampire again. And for as long as it lasted, you enjoyed yourself alright. Just remember... back at that party?"

"Did you seriously spike my drink back then?" Aidan blinks.

"In a way. I know a few things about how to make vampires sleepy… or submissive," Bishop muses.

"So that is how I ended up in the den," Aidan mutters.

"You got whiny and wanted to talk to Josh. That was no good thing in front of the fans," Bishop shrugs. "So I mixed a few funny things into your drink. It was obvious that you needed blood, fast. So I made sure you wouldn't restrain yourself once more."

"Then the audio…," Aidan looks to the side as more and more puzzle pieces click into place.

"You were drifting away, Aidan. I had to act," the older vampire exhales.

"You wanted to separate Josh and me, all this time," Aidan shakes his head. He still can't believe it.

"No, I want to keep you safe. That is all I ever did and will always do," Bishop argues. "You have to see that a werewolf and a vampire are just not meant to be. There is literally too much blood between us. And trust me, the werewolves surely didn't like to see the mutt with a fang either."

"Josh is not part of that community," Aidan insists.

He is a lone wolf.

He is... a human wolf.

"Maybe not part of that community but he is part of the werewolves. Just like you are part of the vampires. Some things just don't leave us, Aidan," Bishop shrugs. "And some blood feuds, however pointless they may appear, just never die out."

"I can't believe this," Aidan breathes, one hand on the top of his head.

"He kept you from doing what's natural to you, Aidan," Bishop insists.

"None of this is natural, for God's sake!" Aidan curses.

"It's normal to us," Bishop objects.

"It's abnormal to the rest of the world!" the younger man yells.

"Exactly, and that is the thing – your dear mutt tried to make you human, when in fact you are a vampire. Don't you understand that?" the ginger vampire replies.

"I know I'm a vampire, thanks to you, as it turns out, but that doesn't mean I can't try… not to be a monster," Aidan argues.

Not an easy way, but… the right way, away from darkness, back into the light.

"That is exactly what it means. Birds of feather flock together. You stick with your kind, Aidan. That is simply rule," Bishop shrugs.

"Why didn't you just tell me?" Aidan argues. "Why did you set up this whole plot to have us separated?"

 _"Plot?_ I think you're going a bit far, Aidan. Most of what you did that made the puppy run off… you did on your own, or so you told me in a teary voice... more than once. And that is the thing – it's your person he eventually grew tired of. Because in contrast to me, he doesn't understand you and your needs," Bishop argues.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Aidan asks again.

"Would you have believed me? Would have you have broken up with him? Hm? We both know the answer is 'no'," Bishop smirks at him. "The only way was to…"

"Make him leave me," Aidan completes, shaking his head.

"I'm just trying to act in your interest, Aidan. I know you don't see that now, but…," Bishop means to say, but Aidan interrupts him before he gets to it, "None of that is in my interest."

"Maybe not now, but… sometime in the future. You're simply a wayward son, Aidan. And as such, I have to make sure you don't walk off the path too far," Bishop smiles. Aidan gets up from his seat this time, "I gotta get out of here."

He has to get off that path, right now.

"Aidan," Bishop means to say, but the younger man interrupts him once more, "If you follow me or have your monkeys follow me, I will fight you, trust me. I am not in a good mood. So you better let me go right now."

"I see that you are upset, so it might be for the best if you went outside to cool down a bit, I agree," Bishop smiles. "We can finish up that conversation later on, too."

The younger vampire turns away and hurries out of the building.

Aidan just keeps running.

Away.

Away.

Far away.


	17. Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aidan wants to turn to his friends for help, but they are not of much help. 
> 
> Aidan sees his entire world collapsing.

Aidan walks down the streets, his world tilting back and forth with every step he takes. How did that happen?! How could it come down to this here?

How is that guy his alpha?

How did he not just throw him off his path but... destroyed it?

And how did that guy just mess up all of his happiness?

But before he can even think about Josh, he has to talk to the guys. They have to know the truth, right? That this guy manipulated them the whole time. Maybe they know how to handle this situation. And even if not... they are his friends. They have to know the truth.

Aidan rounds the corner leading to the house where the band meets, just to hear a woman crying for help.

Seriously?

As if his day wasn't messed-up enough already.

The vampire rushes around the corner he hears the noises coming from - just to see Gabriel and Jake with fangs and black eyes, attacking a woman with brunet, shoulder-long hair, in a blue retro-patterned dress and white slippers.

In bright daylight!

What are they thinking?!

"Hey! Stop that!" he curses as he runs up to them. He tears the two off the girl.

"What the fuck, man?!" Gabriel curses, his eyes still black.

"You can't just do that," Aidan growls.

"You don't get to tell us...," Jake means to say, but the oldest vampire interrupts him harshly, "I don't care! You won't do it! I won't let you!"

"Man...," Jake sighs.

"Now either one of you: Compel her!" Aidan orders. The two contemplate, but eventually Gabriel leans down to get into the girl's head, leaving her under the impression that everything is fine – and that she didn't see vampires at all.

"We should bring her to hospital," Aidan exhales, looking at the puncture marks still oozing blood.

"Are you kidding me?" Jake snorts. "And anyways, we took only a bit. You played spoilsport soon enough."

Aidan turns around to Gabriel, who wears a dark-patterned scarf. He pulls it off of him and wraps it around the girl's neck.

"Hey!" the younger vampire pouts.

"Shut up!" Aidan hisses. "You did enough to her."

"God, could you stop acting like a bitch?" Gabriel exhales wearily. The older vampire ignores him, though. Instead, he walks out into the road to flag a cab. Gladly, one arrives very soon.

"Jake, bring her here," Aidan orders. The younger vampire objeys and helps the girl over to the cab. Aidan takes a hold of her to get her into the car. "Now make sure he doesn't ask questions."

Jake gets to the front to talk to the taxi driver and manages to compel him.

Aidan gets down to the girl's eye-level, "Do you think you can stand on your own?"

"Here are fifty bucks," Aidan mutters, thrusting the crumpled dollar bills into her palm. "I'm sorry."

He closes the door and pats on the roof, signaling the driver to start the car. They drive off and down the road, disappearing into the flux of traffic. Aidan lets a silent sigh, but then takes a rough hold of Jake and pulls him back to the small alley where Gabriel is waiting for them.

"Are you happy now? You just took our brunch!" Gabriel pouts. Aidan turns to them with a feral growl.

"What the fuck are you thinking?!" Aidan yells.

"What are _you_ thinking?!" Gabriel snarls.

"You can't do that!" Aidan retorts. "Why didn't you compel her from the start?"

"I like it when they scream," Jake giggles madly.

"When everyone can hear and see you? Are you nuts or really just that stupid?!" Aidan curses.

"Going to the dens is cool and all, but we also wanna... hunt... once in a while," Gabriel replies with a shrug.

"Hunt?" Aidan blinks at them. "I thought you were happy to have an easier way."

"It's a backup. And even if not... Bishop told us again and again to follow... our instincts," Jake tells him with a dazed look.

"Instict? You can't just attack people in daylight! You shouldn't attack them in the first place! You never did that before. What's wrong with you?!" Aidan demands.

"We didn't because we had no security. Now we do. Bishop can arrange for anything. You know that as well as us," Jake argues.

"What if someone would have caught you? What if you had been taken by police?" Aidan retorts.

"Then Bishop would have gotten us out. He has connections, Aidan. Even to police," Gabriel rolls his eyes. "Networks are such neat things, really. You can't fall anymore."

"Right, networks," Jake muses, looking dazed.

"Guys, how much did you take?" Aidan demands.

"Who counts these days, huh?" the other man exhales.

"Right, who counts if you got everything... in plenty?" Gabriel hums.

"You can't do that, okay?" Aidan argues.

"You don't get to tell us what to do, alright? Bishop told us that we can do whatever we want," Gabriel argues. "So that is what we do."

"He is a dick – and surely didn't tell you to bite people when simply everyone can see you," Aidan retorts. Even if the police-connection is new to him, Aidan knows that Bishop is not that much of a fool to let the vampires do that. He wants everything to go according to 'order'.

"He said that we are rock stars. We do whatever we want, Aidan," Gabriel shrugs. "He told us we don't have to worry about anything anymore."

"And I tell you that this is not what and who we were or are," Aidan snarls. "We were never like this, okay?"

"Stop acting like the father here, okay? You might be the oldest, but you are definitely not the wisest. I'm fed up with you and that you always judge us for something you do the same way," Jake narrows his eyes at him.

"Well, I'm not high on blood, or hunt so that any thug can see me - and call police," Aidan curses. "So you tell me - who is the wiser of us three?"

"Bishop said...," Jake means to say, but Aidan intterupts him with a hiss, "Bishop is no good. As I wanted to tell you only just now, he is actually my alpha. You know, the guy who's left me behind? So maybe he's not the safest bet after all."

"Well, he came back, though, right?" Jake shrugs. Aidan blinks at him.

"What?!" the oldest vampire brings out. He didn't think... this would be the reaction he would get.

"You constantly whine about how you didn't have one when you were turned. Now he's back - and you still whine. Make up your mind," Gabriel rolls his eyes.

"He told me that today. He played games with me, with us, all this time," Aidan insists.

"Dude, we live too long to hold grudges. Maybe he just felt bad and that's why he didn't say so right away. He is here now, so... forgive and forget, man," Jake shrugs nonchalantly.

"He lied to me all this time. Do you really think he will be honest to _you_?" Aidan argues.

"I don't care for honesty, for as long as I get what I need," Gabriel shrugs.

"He's right. And anyways, just like I'm done getting dragged into your love affairs, I'm done getting dragged into your daddy issues," Jake snorts. "Life's too short... no, too _long_ to spend thinking about that stuff."

"Are you serious?! And you're supposed to be my friends," Aidan huffs. He trusted these guys. He depended on them.

And here he is... and they walk separate paths...

"Hey, you've been acting like a jerk in months now," Gabriel argues. "And maybe we're just done standing in your shadow."

"Just to stand in Bishop's," Aidan snorts.

"You keep saying that we have to be certain kinds of vampires, 'human' vampires. Tell you what, Aidan, that is bullshit. We thought that you, as our leader, would have interest in helping us through the blood cravings. But here you stand and deny us our food," Gabriel shakes his head. "Maybe we are just done taking commands from someone who doens't know what he is anymore."

"I know very well what I am. You seem to forget what you once stood for," Aidan snarls.

"What _you_ stood for," Jake corrects him. "You never asked us if that is what we wanted, too. You just took it for granted that you were the wisest coz you are the oldest."

"Hey, when I first got to know you, you hardly knew how to handle yourself," Aidan retorts. "I showed you how Henry and I handled. We got you blood after you were on cold turkey for over two months."

"And that is why we never said anything," Jake huffs. "Because we were grateful and all, but Gabe and I decided that we paid that debt by now. You stopped being our leader ever since you and Josh got together, and it got even worse since the break-up. You are no longer the guy who partied with us, who led us. That is Bishop now."

"He manipulates us, all of us," Aidan insists, still not quite believing it.

_The world just keeps raining down on me. No matter to whom I flee, no matter to whom I turn, they turn away._

"What's it to you?" Jake curses. "You didn't give a damn on us and how he manipulated us until now. So what's it to you if we follow him now?"

"Honestly? I ask myself the same question," Aidan exhales, but then shakes his head, "Where's Henry?"

Maybe he can... convince at least him.

Henry is his vampire-son. That has to count in some way.

"Inside," Gabriel shrugs.

"I'm going, then," Aidan sighs.

"Whatever," the other two say in unison before walking off themselves.

Blood seemingly reveals not just their vampire-side, but also their true selves.

Seemingly, blood is one of the few mirrors capable of holding their reflection.

Aidan makes his way to the band room, still trying to process the new information that just keeps raining down on him. However, he still hopes that the last bit of what's supposed to be his 'family' will stay around. They walked side-by-side for so long... that has to mean something, right?

Please, that has to mean something.

Has to.

"Henry?" he asks, but receives no answer. "Henry?"

Aidan hears the younger vampire's laughter in one of the separate rooms. The older vampire makes his way inside, just to find…

Red.

A lot of it.

Everywhere.

On the walls.

On the ground.

The drums.

The mixer console.

The strings of one of his, or Bishop's, guitars.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

The song of blood.

"Aidan, you're a little too late for the feast, I'm so sorry," he chuckles, blood smeared all over his body… and a very dead looking blonde woman in his arms.

"Henry, what the hell did you do?!" Aidan gapes.

"Oh? I know it's been a bit of a mess," he giggles.

"She's dead," Aidan brings out, his voice shaking.

"Now don't look surprised. That happens from time to time. And now… it doesn't matter anymore. The clean-up-crew is only one phone call away," Henry smiles.

"You just _killed_ someone, Henry," Aidan argues.

How can he be that ignorant?

How can he not feel guilty?

Just how?

"Yes, I did. And it's great to finally do… what's natural to us. All this time I thought that I had to restrain myself, coz you said we had to, but now? Now I see that if you stick to the network, you have all liberties in the world to be… yourself," Henry smiles.

"You are not being yourself, you jackass!" Aidan argues.

"How would you tell? Maybe my true self finally shows, now that I step out of your shadow," Henry shrugs.

Did the three talk about this beforehand to give the same replies, Aidan wonders?

"You should stay away from Bishop. He's a liar, okay? I just had to find out that he's actually my alpha – and manipulated everything so that Josh left me, so he had control over me again," Aidan explains.

"What? That means he's my grandpa. I like that. That means he really has to be there for me, right?" Henry smiles madly. "I love family benefits. This is getting better and better."

"Did you hear a word I just said?" Aidan asks.

"All of it," the other man shrugs. "But that is _your_ problem, not mine. I'm an opportunist, Aidan. And I fear that the opportunities are more in number on Bishop's side than yours."

"I... I made you a vampire," Aidan says, his entire body feeling numb. "I'm... your alpha. And... I didn't just take off. I tried my best to support you. I... I am your alpha, I..."

"And for that I will always be grateful, but... I guess I have to spread my wings," Henry smiles with bloody teeth.

Aidan shakes his head.

Just that you won't grow the wings of a bird or an angel, you will grow black wings to transform you into a demon, Henry.

Just to fly into darkness.

Straight to Hell.

"I can't believe it," Aidan sighs, burying his head in his hands.

"You better should, because that, my old friend, is the new reality," Henry smiles. "The question is if you can keep up with the flux of time... or not."

"I gotta get out of here," Aidan breathes before he runs outside.

_Out and away. Out and away. I stumble, I sway. My heart feels so frail. Where do I go now and where can I stay?_

His entire life just collapses upon him.

Everything he thought was constant is shifting.

Every path he thought he saw ahead of himself... just blurred away.

Everyone he thought would stay runs from him.

Perhaps the worst is not to lose control, but to lose… just about everything you have.


	18. Meeting Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aidan meets someone again, after he thought it was impossible.

Aidan wanders through the streets of Boston aimlessly, his mind drifting in and out of his body.

Step. In.

Step. Out.

Bishop. Gabriel. Jake. And now even Henry. They betrayed him, this way or another.

They walk away from him.

Leave him behind.

In the end... he is all alone after all.

And perhaps... that is what Aidan is meant to be. Alone. Walking alone. Stumbling and falling until it's just over and darkness claims him.

Aidan stops when his eyes see the sign of a bar in bright blood-red (what irony?) shining at him, taunting him.

Good old alcohol might numb at least some of the pain he feels deep in his chest.

So the vampire makes his way inside, settling down in the next best chair right at the bar.

"Hi, what can I get you, pretty boy?" the cute waitress with bandana and crooked smirk asks.

"A double whiskey and a beer," Aidan replies. "Thanks."

"Alright, someone's gotta drown his sorrows fast. Here you go, Sir," she winks at him.

"Thanks," he mutters, downing the Whiskey in one swig. He looks around. Did he play in this club before? He can't remember.

He can't even think to begin with. His entire body revolts and protests. The vampire takes another sip. The whiskey doesn't live up to its name at all. Maybe he should just drink the bar empty. His entire life lies in ruins, so what does it even matter?

At least they play music here, but then again… it only reminds him of the fact that he lost his.

Oh, they even have a singer.

A _good_ singer…

Doesn't he know that voice from somewhere?

…

_My light died out_

_I let a shout_

_A cry to the sky_

_I run about_

_In endless circles_

_Stomp on the ground_

_Without a sound_

_Is this goodbye?_

_Tell me._

_Please tell me._

_Because I don't know_

_Or is it hello?_

_A maybe from long ago?_

_Can that be?_

_Is that a possibility?_

_I can't stop pacing_

_My heart keeps racing_

_I'm walking circles_

_Again and again_

_Is that worth the pain?_

_I know nothing at all_

_I don't know who to call_

_I stumble, I fall_

Aidan closes his eyes for a moment, savoring that sound, the words, but the words are clouded by applause eventually.

"Give it up another time for our newcomer Josh Levison, ladies and gentlemen," a man says over the microphone.

Aidan whips his head around to the stage.

Josh?!

There he is.

Josh. In the flesh. Onstage. With his guitar. Aidan knows that Josh can play, but he never heard him perform with it outside his apartment. And here he sits, a beanie over his head, a three-day stubble, olive shirt and jeans, looking like a fallen angel in the spotlight.

Because there wasn't enough chaos by now.

"Thanks, everyone," the werewolf says politely as he gets up from the chair.

Aidan pulls closer, drinking him with his eyes.

Did he always look like that?

Did he always radiate like that?

Or is it just the spotlight?

And then he remembers – of course he did. Every morning the light broke through the window and he just smiled at him tiredly. Every day he bit his lip, trying to think of a new line, a new rhyme. Laughing at Aidan's jokes or his own.

_You are the light and I am not. I am darkness, your blind spot._

The vampire motions closer, his mouth still standing open, "Josh?"

The werewolf turns his direction, blinking a few times, "Aidan."

What is Aidan doing here?

Or is he just seeing things _again_?

He thought that finally stopped.

"Hey," the vampire breathes.

"Hey," Josh chokes out, unable to catch his breath. "What... what are you doing here?"

"I… wanted to get a drink. The Whiskey is good, or so I heard," Aidan replies shyly.

"It tastes like gasoline for all I know," Josh snorts.

"Might be that I got the wrong information, then," Aidan chuckles nervously. "Or just ended up in the wrong bar."

"Might be," Josh mutters. He didn't think he'd see him again. Yet, here Aidan is. And Josh honestly gets the feeling that this is... _really_... Aidan. After he thought that this was... over. That this man disappeared from the face of earth forever.

"I am… surprised that you are… singing here?" Aidan grimaces, looking around.

"Oh yeah, _that_ … Funny story, actually... The colleagues dragged me here on a karaoke night and made me sing… Well, the owner liked it and asked me if I did it professionally or something. I told him 'no'. He said he is looking for someone to play on occasion for a little money, so… I said to myself… why not, right? I actually get a small fee, that's always nice," Josh explains.

"Wow," Aidan puckers his lips.

Josh found his path, as it seems, and stands with both legs steadily on the ground, while he keeps falling deeper and deeper.

"Well, it's really just for leisure in the end, but… it's fun and…," Josh mumbles shyly.

And it reminds me of my past, the one I still hold on despite the fact that I shouldn't.

Pathetic.

"You sound really good, better than ever," Aidan tells him hastily.

_You moved ahead while I moved back. You are the good, I am the bad. You are the light and I disappear in shadow's black. But all too late have I understood._

"Thank you," Josh smiles uncertainly.

"How is med school going?" the vampire asks, trying to hold up conversation. He is surprised at the suddenly slouched shoulders, "That... I dropped out, actually."

Some things are just not meant to be, as it seems.

Because you can try and try, walking the 'right' path, and still end up failing.

We stumble, we fall.

"What? Why?" Aidan gapes.

"The wolf," Josh shrugs.

Always the wolf.

Always his monster.

Always him.

"Really?" Aidan blinks.

"People grew suspicious when I said I couldn't be there and couldn't focus on anything much short before a full moon… We had to give a kind of presentation once… mine happened to be on the day of the full moon… and I only got to give my speech later the day… I couldn't do it, simple as that. I fled to the woods thereafter and… realized that this can't continue," Josh shrugs.

"That means…," Aidan blinks.

Does that mean Josh gave up on all of his dreams again?

Aidan thought that he'd feel remorse over the fact that Josh found his way without him, but... seeing Josh's paths closing, too? It makes his heart clench painfully.

"I still work as an orderly, though. When you take off a night, that's fine, no one really bothers. Especially if you bring cookies. The nurses dig cookies. And I get to talk to the patients a lot more, which is nice. Helping them is… nice. So I guess I actually found a profession that fits me. Though I still end up stumbling over things all the time, but that's just me, I guess," Josh explains sheepishly.

"But I thought med school was your dream," Aidan grimaces.

"Well, dreams change along with the people having them," Josh shrugs. "At first I also thought that this is all I ever wanted, but it's... not."

"Can we… sit somewhere?" Aidan suggests.

"Sure, over there?" Josh nods to one of the tables in the back.

"Yeah," Aidan agrees. The two settle down, looking at each other in silence for a few moments.

It's all too familiar to sit in such a place, just the way they met... and just that... everything's different.

"... So? I heard the band got a new record going?" Josh asks to break the silence, trying to sound casual and not like 'I checked your website almost every day like some stupid stalker once more'. Because that is what he obviously did during the many sleepless nights he had ever since he broke up with Aidan.

"Yeah, but I don't think it'll pan out," Aidan grimaces.

"Why is that?" the werewolf tilts his head.

"Internal differences," the vampire replies.

"Aha," the brunet makes a face.

"Which is the music industry fancy-term for 'we bitch-fight all the time'," Aidan snorts.

"That sounds more like it," Josh chuckles softly.

"Did you listen to the album?" Aidan asks.

"Yeah," the werewolf nods.

"Did you like it?" the vampire questions further.

"The cover was nice," Josh flashes a crooked smile.

"Josh," Aidan rolls his eyes.

"I think you know the answer to that one," the brunet replies.

Sometimes he honestly wished he were a better liar.

He doesn't want to hurt people, especially Aidan.

But about these things... he can't help but be honest.

"Yeah, I felt the same, by the way," Aidan admits. "I think it brought way more money than it was actually worth."

"Though I have to say… that last note in _Close to You_ had just your touch. That rough pitch was breathtaking," Josh smiles at him.

He doesn't even know how many times he played that one particular tone. Like some lovesick idiot, lying on the bed, playing the same tune over and over again until he fell asleep.

_Close to you._

_To you._

_You._

Only you.

"Thank you," Aidan breathes.

"Though I'd take any bet that this was not scripted," Josh grins.

"Nope, but they liked it and kept it anyway," Aidan shrugs.

"Good for us listeners," the werewolf chuckles.

"So… do you have someone new?" Aidan asks after a while.

"A new partner? No. You?" Josh replies.

"No," Aidan shakes his head.

_Only you. Visions of your face is all I see, inside my head when I lie in bed and try to sleep. Only you I see, I do._

"Huh," Josh grimaces.

"I've tried to call you," Aidan says meekly.

"Yeah, I know," Josh sighs.

And you have no idea how much I wanted to answer each time.

"Why didn't you answer?" Aidan questions.

"The first few times right after our fight... I was... honestly too angry... and then I just felt too bad for not calling back that I couldn't call back at all... and just had one nervous breakdown after the other. I'll blame OCD in any case... and then you stopped calling, so I figured... you drew a line under it...," Josh replies nervously, but then lets a long sigh.

He looks at Aidan with a weary, lopsided smile, "Well, the short and probably most accurate version is this: I just always run away in the end."

"I never should have said that to you," Aidan exhales. "I would take it back if I could."

"You were right," Josh argues.

I should have tried harder.

I should have fought more.

I should have this.

I should have that.

And in the end, I still just run away.

I said it in my song: I'm always walking circles.

"I wasn't. I was the one constantly running away," Aidan shakes his head.

Away, into the dens.

Away, into Bishop's open arms.

Away, into darkness.

"I was, too, still am. The wolf makes me, or I blame it on the wolf to cover up for it that I run from world's trouble. Hiding seems so much easier at times…," Josh puckers his lips. "I mean, I think you had a point when you said that I didn't try hard enough. In the end… I ran off when it got too difficult. And I guess that is simply the pattern. That is what I did with my family. What I did with med school, _again_ … and what I did with you the same way."

"That's not true," Aidan shakes his head.

"It is," Josh shrugs. "The odd thing is that while I know that this is… the case… I can't stop myself. I still… try to run. Even if it's just in circles."

"Josh?" Aidan looks at him.

"Yeah?" the werewolf tilts his head.

"Are you happy?" the vampire asks. Josh contemplates for a moment before he replies with resignation in his voice, "For people like us, happiness seems rather utopian, don't you think?"

There was a time when he thought he was happy, but… what did it matter if he was happy while his partner was not? How did his happiness matter when Aidan was writhing in his arms because hunger overtook him and Josh held on even tighter, selfishly so?

And now? Now he is just living into the day again, like he used to.

He tries to make his own music because he misses Aidan's voice.

And once again, he is only running away.

Just to end up in the same spot.

"Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results" - isn't that what many people say?

And isn't walking circles just the same thing?

So is he insane?

Probably.

Very likely so.

"Halfway happy?" Aidan grimaces.

"I'm alright so far. And you?" Josh asks.

"I've had better days," Aidan exhales.

"But I bet Bishop makes any effort to fix that… I am sorry, that just slipped," Josh grimaces.

He told himself to stop that. He practiced the smiley face, but now? Now he is walking the same damn circle again.

When does that stop?

His feet are bleeding and still, still he walks over the same stones, the same pebbles.

"No, you are right, he does, he tries… whatever," Aidan shrugs.

"What's the matter?" Josh asks in a soft voice that makes Aidan grow weak.

After all that happened between them, after all he's done… there's still empathy in the werewolf's eyes.

So much to 'poisoning his mind', Bishop.

So much to silent judgment.

So much to not being able to share.

"He said some things to me that… changed… other things," Aidan grimaces.

"Aha," Josh frowns. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"For instance… he sent the audio to you. Though of course that changes nothing about the fact that I did what I did… he sent it to you on purpose," Aidan admits, but much to his surprise, Josh nods slowly, "Well, honestly? I kinda had the suspicion because Henry doesn't seem the type. And in the recording, I heard him yelling something, but it sounded like he sat opposite to the receiver, so how would he be the one holding it, right? But… anyway… you think he did it on purpose why?"

"To… control me," Aidan shrugs.

"Aha," Josh puckers his lips.

"I thought you'd be a little more surprised," Aidan chuckles nervously.

"I told you all the while that this is what I think," the werewolf manages a feeble smile.

"True again," Aidan exhales. Josh told him that this man would be his downfall… and once again, Josh was right all along.

One should think that over 200 years of life experience would make him smarter than a guy whose life only just started, but in fact, Josh seems to be much better at seeing through people than Aidan is. He saw through him, too.

Josh wrote about how Aidan is like a mirror. Josh, on the other hand, reads people like his books. He sees their true nature.

"So how did he think would that grant him control over you?" the werewolf asks.

"He thought you were… well," Aidan exhales, his voice trailing off, and Josh understand, of course he does. "In the way."

"Yeah," Aidan grunts.

"Seriously, sometimes I don't understand why he is so eager in… you, no offense," Josh shakes his head. "I mean, he's a manager, right?"

"I asked myself that, too, but now I know," Aidan agrees.

"Yeah?" Josh cocks an eyebrow at him.

"Turns out Bishop is… my alpha, like… my real alpha," Aidan admits eventually.

"He's turned you, all those years ago?" Josh blinks.

What?!

"Yeah," Aidan exhales.

"Wow, and never bothered to call," Josh leans back in his chair, running his hand over the beanie absently.

"No," the vampire shakes his head.

"Wow," Josh can't help but say again.

"He's admitted it to me, after I kept asking long enough. He said that he always had an eye on me… Now I don't know what to make of that. I thought he was just being a good guy, the mentor, but… now he is just the culprit," Aidan shakes his head, but then snorts, "And now please don't say that you told me so. I already know that."

"I am… sorry for you," Josh blinks at him.

"Thank you," Aidan blinks back.

Because honestly? He doesn't feel like he deserves this kind of sympathy, this empathy.

"What do the others say about that?" Josh asks. "Or didn't you tell them yet?"

"They are too busy playing rock star to care," Aidan huffs. "And extending their fangs."

"But… they are your friends," Josh argues.

"Yeah, that's what I thought, too," Aidan shakes his head. "But they seemingly think I am no longer a good leader... while Bishop is ever the better."

"And Henry?" Josh questions.

"He doesn't care either. He thinks it's great that this technically makes Bishop his granddad," Aidan shakes his head. "I had to realize that... I'm not at all good at reading people."

"So… What do you intend to do now?" Josh asks mutely.

"I don't know," Aidan shakes his head.

"You should just take your time," Josh tells him.

"That might be. People say that time heals all wounds," Aidan shrugs, flashing a sad smile.

"From a medical perspective that's bullshit. Without treatment, the wound will get infected or if it is the bone, will grow back together the wrong way. You have to tend to it before allowing time to do the rest... but that's probably just me," Josh grimaces.

"Actually, I think you're right," Aidan chuckles softly.

"I hope I'm wrong, though. If time healed all wounds… that'd be a comfort, right?" Josh exhales.

"Right…," the vampire agrees.

"Right…," Josh breathes.

"… I followed your advice, by the way," Aidan says.

"Which is?" Josh tilts his head.

"The blood bags," the vampire explains.

"Oh," Josh puckers his lips. To tell the truth, he thought Aidan would throw them away first chance he got.

"To my surprise, it actually works… I mean, the taste is not even close to the original, but… yeah, I feel more like myself again," Aidan admits.

"That's good for you," Josh mumbles. "And... I see it."

"Though I wonder how you got so many?" Aidan grimaces.

"I gathered them ever since I started at the hospital. The good thing is that if you know how the system works, it's actually not too difficult to get a blood bag without people realizing," Josh shrugs.

"I found the… poem, by the way," Aidan goes on.

"What poem?" the werewolf frowns.

"The one you threw away. Obviously, I didn't take out the trash because you weren't there to do it for me... or force me to do it," Aidan chuckles nervously.

"Oh… that one…," Josh blinks. He really did that, didn't he? He left it in Aidan's trash. _Great._

"Did you mean it? What you wrote?" Aidan asks in a whisper.

"Every single word. Perhaps that's why I threw it away. It was seemingly too real even for me," Josh shakes his head, fighting a blush.

"You wrote that short before I came back, huh?" Aidan bites his lower lip.

"Yeah. You know how it is with me, I do that to… deal with my problems," Josh shrugs.

I run circles, even on paper.

"Yeah," Aidan exhales.

And he used to play his music to deal with his problems, just that he can't anymore.

"I didn't leave it there on purpose. Just so that you know. I'm not that much of a sappy douche. I really forgot that I threw it into your trash can," Josh argues feebly.

"Please, I am… I am… I hope it doesn't sound weird, but I was kinda glad for it," Aidan bites his lower lip.

"Why?" the werewolf frowns.

"I guess I understood… you… a little better thereafter," Aidan whispers.

"Oh," Josh breathes.

"It's beautiful, by the way, just saying," Aidan flashes an uncertain smile.

"Thank you," the werewolf says, lowering his head.

"You're welcome," Aidan says, also averting his eyes.

There is a moment of silence before Josh claps his hands on the tabletop, and speaks in a lighter tune, "Well, anyways… I fear I have to cut off that moment here. I have to head to the stage. The boss told me that I gotta give two performances tonight or else no fee. But I'll have to hurry to work right after, so I fear I won't be able to talk to you after the last song."

"That's fine. Is it okay if I stay to listen?" Aidan looks at him.

"Sure," Josh nods.

"Thank you," Aidan nods.

"I hope you'll find out what to do about Bishop," Josh grimaces. "And with… the blood bags… if you need help getting more, just let me know. I will answer my phone from now on. I can surely arrange for more if you want... And I hope it doesn't sound awful to you when I say that I'm glad to see that you are more like yourself again."

"I am glad that you found your way, too," the vampire replies hoarsely.

"Okay, I'll be heading back to the stage, then. I guess I'll have to run after that, so yeah… ugh, bye," Josh bites his lower lip as he gets up. He turns away when Aidan speaks up again, "Josh?"

"Yeah?" the werewolf blinks, his eyes still fixed on the stage.

"Would you believe me when I say that I meant it and still mean it? That I really loved you?" Aidan asks.

And still do?

"Would you believe me when I said that I meant it quite literally when I said that you saved my life with your music?" Josh says before heading back to the stage. "Because the night I heard you play, I decided against ending my life and instead embraced my humanity again?"

Aidan watches on as Josh heads to the stage, his mind still processing. Josh kept saying that his music saved him, but...

Josh takes up his guitar and sits back down, "Thanks for sticking around. So, ugh, this is a new song I wrote. The title is _I Need You_ , so… please be gentle with me. I hope you'll enjoy it."

He leans closer to the microphone and closes his eyes.

_Inside my dreams_

_Darkness gleams_

_Spits in my face_

_Starts a chase_

_And runs away_

_I still see your face_

_Hold it between my shaking hands_

_You pull away_

_To unknown lands_

_I wake up with a shout_

_I scream it loud_

_Drenched in sweat and tears_

_My darkest fears_

_I can't catch my breath_

_My heart, it hurts_

_The fire, it burns_

_Blinded by darkness, all I see_

_Is an object of familiarity_

_I grab the book right next to me_

_And in it stands_

_A single mark_

_One sentence_

_Holding no repentance_

_One meaning_

_I need you._

_That need is so very dark_

_So very raw_

_Images I saw_

_Of my dying soul_

_Leaving me apart_

_Not whole_

_If only it was just want_

_Because only need will haunt_

_Want will leave you bleeding_

_Need will leave you pleading_

_For an end that never comes_

_I don't want to need – but how?_

_Because I still need you_

_I need you now_

_I breathe you_

_In and out_

_I scream it loud:_

_Don't go away_

_Please don't go away_

_I need you_

_I need you so_

_But you don't need me_

_I'm right, no?_

_That's what I see_

_What I understand_

_Though my heart still can't_

_I let a gasp_

_My shirt I clasp_

_It smells of you_

_But there's nothing I can do_

_Because it isn't really you_

_Only just a dream_

_A memory of the past_

_A past over all too fast_

_New days already gleam_

_Above the clouds_

_Into the sky_

_I let one shuddered cry_

_I need you_

_I need you_

_Only you_

_Always only you_


End file.
